Kerrin’s Story, part ii
June 21, 2011 in Sovereign Grace Ministries
Here is part ii of Kerrin’s story. For part i, click here.
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My Marriage
During all of this, my relationship with my wife began to deteriorate. Things I said—supposedly in confidence—made their way back to her parents and the rest of the group. My words and thoughts were often used against me (in a divisive way). There were times when I could no longer speak with my wife. It just all became too much for me mentally/emotionally, as time and time again things that I said made it back to the group, her parents, and then were used against me. Perhaps a better way of describing it was my words/thoughts were used to try and control me and my decision to try and leave/take my family elsewhere. When I confronted this behavior it was denied that it was occurring. That further alienated me and displaced my trust even more. It was a betrayal. Of course in SGMville this behavior is called “faithful” because the ends justify the means: the ends being get the person who is not conforming to conform (i.e., control them). Lies and betrayal are “faithful” because, in SGMville, this person needs to be brought back into the fold and whatever means will accomplish that end are considered “faithful.”
I challenged and questioned some of the things that came back to me via my wife, but I was never violent or abusive in any way. Sometimes my tone would have been elevated as I questioned things with passion and became irritated by what was going on. I did see that it was becoming too much for her also, so I backed off and began to think about other ways to escape the grip of CLC/SGM. I started visiting other churches (Methodist, Baptist, Episcopalian, United Church of Christ, Universalist, etc.).
A co-worker who also attends CLC asked me to go to lunch one day. He then proceeded to challenge me to keep my vows and said I needed to practice “effective communication” by bringing my wife into my world. I found out this manipulative attempt to make me talk was in collusion with Eric [Simmons], which would be prior to them “church disciplining” me. I responded with, “Name the vow were I agreed to ‘effective communication’ (whatever that is). Has anyone in your group challenged my wife to live up to her vows, namely, ‘I will forsake all others, where you go I will go, and your people will be my people’?” He said, “No.” Then I said, “You have no basis on which to bring this to me!”
During all this, my work performance began to take a toll, as I had difficulty concentrating. Later I discovered I was showing signs of PTSD, which is typical for someone who has left a cultic or high-demand group. As my work performance started to suffer I came across a book called, Take Back Your Life: Recovering From Cults and Abusive Relationships by Janja Lalich (a victim of an abusive cultic group herself). Many things in this book resonated with me and many of her insights helped in identifying what I was experiencing. She encouraged someone to seek out a trauma specialist, which I did. This therapist helped me tremendously. But it was too late for my employment situation.
I was working for a publicly traded company in a high-demand, stressful position. Even though they were quite sympathetic to my situation and current circumstances, they had certain standards I wasn’t performing to. So I was given a “Personal Improvement Plan” and told I could take it or leave with severance. If I didn’t meet the satisfaction of the plan my employment would be terminated at the end (45 days). Being under the microscope at CLC, I simply couldn’t take an additional microscope at my place of employment so I left with severance. This additional microscope would have broken me.
I began looking for new employment in the States right away. Anywhere really. If I could find something that would move me away from CLC, that would be great! As I was doing this, it occurred to me that since I was a UK citizen I could also look for employment there. So while looking for work in the States, I started looking into the viability of moving overseas. After doing extensive research and putting a lot of thought into moving to the UK, it began to seem like a great solution for the current problems I was facing (SGM not leaving me alone, mounting financial problems, being emotionally spent from dealing with everything going on, etc.). My plan started to formulate.
After consulting with a lawyer and how my plan might be used against me (at this point, based on some of the things I heard and knew about SGM I was anticipating a pending divorce case. I wanted to make sure I could defend myself). A few days after this I announced my plan to my wife in this way: “I am moving to the UK for employment and as a last ditch effort to remove the family from the cultic group. Once I establish myself I hope to move everyone there within a year.” This plan, as was anticipated was not well received. There were a few questions, such as: “Where will we stay while you’re establishing yourself?” To which I responded, “At your parents’ or my parents house.” I was completely upside down on the mortgage (purchased in 2006 at the height of the housing bubble), the mortgage was solely in my name, and since I didn’t have a job I thought it best to save the cash we had. So at this point my mortgage company was threatening foreclosure, although, it still has yet to go to foreclosure because it is on the market as a short sale.
About a month later, on April 2nd, my wife moved out with the kids into her parents’ house. The next day, a private investigator was trying to serve me a Court Summons for Divorce (all paid for by Bob Kauflin).
Here is the complaint against me as it reads in the court summons (divorce papers). The parenthetical statements are my comments:
8. The Defendant has voluntarily quit his employment (This is not entirely true. I had a choice to leave with severance or go on a “Personal Improvement Plan” resulting in termination if not followed to the company’s satisfaction) in which he earned over $110,000 per year, unbeknownst to the Plaintiff, stopped paying health insurance coverage (Uh, I didn’t have a job), used the overwhelming majority of the family savings to attend concerts, yoga, eating out, and enlightenment classes (This is an embellishment of the facts), over the past year, has left the home, early in the morning and returning later in the evening (Uh, it’s called a job. Most people who work hard do this), wrote a check to an overseas account in an attempt to divert marital money (this was because I was planning on moving to the UK and naturally you take your money with you when you leave a country), diverted his mail to a P.O. box unbeknownst to the Plaintiff, cashed out his retirement accounts, commenced filling out citizenship applications for some of the children for the United Kingdom, told the Defendant that he is relocating to Scotland to pursue employment, exposed the children to inappropriate actions on his part against the Plaintiff including his refusal to acknowledge Plaintiff’s existence and/or presence, having unilateral discussions with the parties’ children regarding his plan to move overseas, and ceased to co-parent with the Plaintiff on almost all issues.
Count I (Constructive Desertion)
15. The aforesaid conduct of the Defendant was willful, purposeful, deliberate, intentional and final, was undertaken by the Defendant without just cause, justification or excuse whatsoever, and was intended to represent a final termination of the marriage relationship therefore existing between the parties.
16. There is no reasonable hope or expectation of reconciliation. WHEREFORE, the Plaintiff, _______, prays as follows:
a. That the Plaintiff be granted a Judgment of Limited Divorce from the Defendant on the grounds of constructive desertion as set forth hereinabove, and
b. That the Court award sole physical and legal custody of the minor children of the parties to the Plaintiff;
c. That the Court order a custody evaluation through the Court;
Count II (Mental Cruelty)
18. That although the conduct of the Plaintiff toward the Defendant had always been kind, affectionate, and above reproach, nevertheless, the Defendant, on divers days and times since their marriage, has treated the Plaintiff with extreme mental cruelty and has been guilty of cruelty of treatment toward the Plaintiff, endangering Plaintiff’s safety, health, and happiness, has assaulted the Plaintiff verbally, has humiliated her on numerous occasions, rendering continuation of the marital relationship impossible if Plaintiff is to preserve her health, safety, and self-respect. As a result the Defendant’s conduct there is no reasonable hope or expectation of reconciliation between the parties.
That is the meat of the Court Summons. Obviously, I left most of the legalese out, but you can access the full “Sovereign Grace Ministries Divorce” Court Summons for Divorce that Bob Kauflin paid for and Initiated (a SGM sanctioned divorce) here if you’re interested. I have appealed numerous times to forgo Litigation and instead use a Mediation Lawyer, which costs considerably less than Litigation (about $2K compared with $20K). It’s also more civil and doesn’t require aggressive “finger pointing” and keeps the best interest of the children in mind. I don’t know, but that seems like the more Christian thing to do.
In the State of Maryland in order to file for divorce and get the courts involved you must state reasons (as seen above). Constructive Desertion and Mental Cruelty are the two most commonly used by women, especially when they have so little to build a case on.
One commenter offered the following request:
As long as you are going semi public, what’s your response to this, just curious…“his refusal to acknowledge Plaintiff’s existence and/or presence, having unilateral discussions with the parties’ children regarding his plan to move overseas, and ceased to co-parent with the Plaintiff on almost all issues.”
My response to that is: I’m not perfect. After having my confidence betrayed and having been lied to, I found it difficult to greet my wife in the same way I typically had. As to the charge that I “ceased to co-parent on almost all issues” that’s a load of crap! I put the kids to bed just about every night, I was taking the two oldest to school every day, and I was quite involved in their lives. Perhaps it depends on what they mean by “co-parent”…i.e., I wasn’t parenting the SGM way? I mean I took spanking off the table a couple of years ago (through much wrangling and heartache). So yeah, I wasn’t into spanking my kids and therefore in SGM’s world I wasn’t being the “perfect parent”…I wasn’t “obeying God”—bollocks!
I personally know wives who have been “strongly encouraged” by SGM/CLC pastors to stay in their marriage when the husband was physically abusive. What should be blatantly obvious is the double standard and hypocrisy (things I’m sure many of you have seen throughout your time at SGM/CLC). There seems to be one set of rules for the sheep and one set for the “higher-ups,” the elite of the elite Christians.
All of this started with my desire to leave SGM/CLC. I may share more in the future because I do have a lot to tell, but this is a good start on the current issues. If you’re interested I wrote a short essay/letter to the leaders of CLC/SGM titled, “A Polemic for Pastors of Present Purgatory“. It was more of a cathartic exercise for me than anything else, but I’ve been told by people who have read it that they can identify with my sentiments.
For those interested in SGM’s policy on divorce and marriage take a look at the following document that begins with an email exchange between some of the leaders at SGM. I received this document from Brent who also sent it recently to Josh and Bob.
A Note To Those Still Propagating The SGM System: Wake up!
At one point, I received this email from Bob Kauflin:
On Dec 23, 2010, at 12:49 PM, Bob Kauflin wrote:
Subject: Question
Hey, Kerrin.
I recently reread your email from March [2010] on “The Situation.” It’s evident that since then our relationship has deteriorated.
Would you be willing to tell me, either by email or in person, what specific grievances you have against me?
Let me know what you think.
Thanks.
Bob
To which I responded:
On Dec 23 2010 16:22:47 -0600, Kerrin wrote:
Subject: Re: Question
My grievances are broad and deep, and are systemic in nature. All I know is the more people from your social group come at me, the more they pull at me and tell me what I’m doing wrong or they patronize me, the more distrusting I become and the greater sense of isolation and dismay I have. I’ve asked you, and others, repeatedly to let me have space to figure things out in my own way. But you, and others, continue to dishonor my wishes, increasing my isolation, distrust, and sense that I am being discounted.
A friend of mine sent him this paragraph, which was written to all leaders that continue to propagate the SGM system; taken from the essay I wrote and linked to above:
By elevating yourselves, your “wisdom,” and the group “wisdom” or groupthink, above the process by which individual people are able to develop their conscience, and decision making faculties, you rob them of what was naturally given to them: freedom and personal development. This process, whereby you subjugate individuals to your “authority,” results in individuals that are dependent on you, not on God, people who are slightly mentally handicapped when it comes to being their own individual representation of the imago dei. And since they are dependent on you and your Institution the replacement of God occurs in their psyche and you and your Institution become God. This can cause extreme and life-altering psychological damage to individuals. Personal growth and maturity, gained through the experiences and failures that come from living in freedom and true grace as a saved soul before a gracious God, are replaced by conformity to social norms and the imposed standards of your Institution. Even mild divergence from these norms is met with social ostracization and is labeled as sin. Thus explorative personal development is stunted, individuals are crippled as living under your system robs them of the ability to make thoughtful and wise personal decisions, and ultimately none of this is pleasing to God. Without the ability to make sound personal decisions, you leave people defenseless in their own lives, resulting in terrible decision-making with consequences left squarely on the individual alone to bear. The dissonance between personal freedoms and your imposed norms also creates an inner turmoil, which when coupled with the social pressures to conform, can be overwhelming, especially if one doesn’t fit or conform well to your prescribed rules and social standards. Sadly, this has even resulted in suicides and suicidal thoughts, where individuals see no other way out of the purgatory you’ve created than extinguishing their lives from it.
Bob’s response to my friend:
On Dec 29, 2010 5:20 pm, Bob Kauflin wrote:
I’m not sure what Kerrin means by “broad, deep, and systemic” because we haven’t talked about it. I don’t agree that Sovereign Grace or Covenant Life, or me, for that matter, have pervasively practiced what’s written in the paragraph [above]. Have there been occasions of legalistic teaching and application? No doubt, as there have been in many churches. But it’s something we’ve specifically taught against for decades, and many people have testified to how they’ve been freed from dependence on people to living in the good of the gospel. So it would be difficult for me to apologize to Kerrin in any kind of formal way when I don’t agree with what I understand to be his premise. Which is why I asked if I had sinned against him in a specific way.
Of course CJ outright teaches other “pastors” that their “task” is “the most elevated task God can give a man.” And if that isn’t teaching that elevates your social status, authority, and mindset above others then I don’t know what would be. If you’d like to hear the audio clip where he clearly teaches this check out this YouTube clip of cult leader, CJ Mahaney, teaching why an SGM pastor is more important than other people.
Most still within the SGM system would like to say this is simply a relational thing; it’s just my relationship with Bob, etc. Well, if you are reading what I have outlined here you will see that this is quite a bit more than one relationship; it is a system. These issues, these problems are systemic, and they are broad and deep! I could recount many instances with other “relationships” that all point to the same thing: the system is corrupt! The SGM pastoral mindset is one that believes they are to be trusted in all cases and if you don’t trust or agree with what they are saying there is something wrong with you!
Bob’s sentiment in the email above is indicative of the SGM pastor’s mindset: “it would be difficult for me to apologize to ______ in any kind of formal way when I don’t agree with what I understand to be [their] premise.” Anyone who disagrees with the way things are run in SGM and is unable to label it as a specific “sin” then there is no apology from SGM leadership coming their way. This is clear in Josh’s non-apology apology where the blame is placed right back on the congregation for following the leaders too literally. It is “difficult” for these guys to apologize because they are blinded by the system they continue to propagate and drunk on their “success” as an organization.
Of course many people have been “helped” by the SGM system. This also has been documented to happen in many other cultic groups in recent history: people with drug problems, mental problems, etc. have had life-changing experiences in a totalist systems that often represent a significant “emotional change” and are then labeled by society as “getting their life together.”
“Identification with the aggressor is relevant here because it helps us better understand the monitoring process in charismatic groups. Members of these groups are often effectively under assault by their leaders. That is, in the consensual view of their surrounding society, they are pressed to participate in unpleasant activities, and are sometimes subjected to abuse. Members nonetheless have their own psychological need for maintaining affiliation with the leader and the group, since they are captives by virtue of the pincer effect, which makes their emotional well-being depend on involvement in the group that inflicts distress. In a sense, they have no choice but to unconsciously make peace with the potentially threatening agenda of the leadership and comply with its expectations to achieve emotional relief.”—Marc Galanter, Cults: Faith, Healing, and Coercion
There is an old saying that represents inductive reasoning: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck it’s probably a duck.” In this case the same thing can, and should, be said about SGM: “If it looks like a cult, quacks like a cult, and walks like a cult it’s probably a cult.” Conduct yourselves appropriately in light of that revelation.
My Demands of SGM
SGM, I’ll leave you with this: reign in your boy Bob, call off the Litigation or I will post more (and not just here). You think I’m playing around? Guess again. My kids and survival are more important than any thing or relationship in the world. Don’t make me do it. As my friend Chuck used to say, “Don’t grab a tiger by its tail!”
As a supplement to my demand above, I would also like to see a formal apology to the public that addresses the following:
- • Hero worship of “The Pastor”
- • False teaching about the authority of pastors
- • Institutional Self-Aggrandizing/Elitism
- • Information Control
- • Manipulation tactics and attempts to control behavior and thought
- • Spinning from the pulpit; covering up what most people would deem negative
When you’re through with that apology, I’d like you to address each of the points in the list I provided above. Include how you see each of these at work historically within the movement and how you plan to insure these don’t take place anymore.
Is the day of reckoning upon you? Will you rise to the challenge or will you further entrench yourself?
By the way, SGM, if you’d like to know the non-cultic way to deal with someone who desires to leave your ranks the answer is, “Oh, that’s fine this place isn’t for everyone. How can we help facilitate your departure?” It’s in the manual of We’re-Not-The-End-All-Be-All-of-Christianity. Check it out sometime.
What you reap is what you sow: that’s clearly a “biblical principle.” Is it not evident that there are damaged lives and families that your system has reaped? So what are you sowing? Would “the gospel” really reap the amount of damage that is being reported here and elsewhere?
A Note To My Peers Still in SGM
If you’re contemplating leaving SGM, just do it. Walk out. Don’t bother telling them why or coming up with reasons. Just leave and find a place you’re comfortable with, a place that isn’t quite so hypocritical, two-faced, manipulative, controlling, authoritarian, etc. Maybe you can leave together with a group of trusted friends. Have fun exploring other church denominations and groups. Enjoy making your own decision about where or where not to worship.
If you’re still convinced that “changes” can, and need, to take place and you want a voice in those changes. Stop tithing and they will listen. They will have to listen to you if you stop tithing. As it is right now, the average layman has no say in the goings on. Let your voice be heard with your checkbook. At least you have that power.
I realize acknowledging any characteristics in the above list will be difficult. Take your time. If your “gut” tells you there are some things that resonate; that there are things that are “off”—listen to you gut it’s the Spirit in you! It’s your intuition, or Holy Spirit, speaking to you that has been long oppressed. Free yourself, follow your intuition: you need to listen to your intuition before “the pastors”—they are just men and not you!
Thanks to the SGM Survivors Community
I would like to personally thank all of you who have contacted me, encouraged me, and show solidarity with my situation. Since I started to become more vocal there have been times when I just want to give up and forget it all. Each time I’ve reached a low point recently, someone has called or emailed and I’ve found renewed strength to continue pressing on. So thank you all!
Sincerely from another town,
Kerrin
Email: FirstNameLastName [at] gmail [dot] com
Matthew 10:16-23:
“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Beware of men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues, and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles. When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour. For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death, and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in one town, flee to the next, for truly, I say to you, you will not have gone through all the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes.”
Hey Brother,
God is doing a great work. In you. In your kids’ lives. He is setting you free, which is exactly what He came for. Being free in Christ can really mess things up if someone else wants to be your God, be your Holy Spirit. But Jesus loves us so much that He works to set us free from ANYONE else being our head honcho. That’s because His love for us is deep. He and He alone knows the best thing for us. Not some other mere mortal.
He loves you and He loves your kids and He loves Megan. Remember this this morning.
Kerrin,
Thank you for being so transparent. Its very difficult to imagine the anguish and pain this has caused you and your family. I was told my older son was “lost” and there was no hope of recovery because he chose to ask questions. These questions were not questions about sgm, but about particular scripture interpretation. My sgm pastor told me “He’ll never be able to be a believer”. Granted my son is a scientist and a believer but is sometimes bombarded by “scientific evidence” that causes him to pause and question his interpretation of a particular verse or passage and is met with scorn. He saw what was going on long before my eyes were opened. One of my other children almost took their own life because they didn’t fit the mold. I thank God we got out.
@Pam,
Doesn’t this SGM pastor supposedly believe in the Calvinist “Election” doctrine? How then could he pronounce “He’ll never be able to be a believer”? For that matter what does asking questions have to do with being or not being “a believer”? Wasn’t it Thomas who asked Jesus for evidence that it was him? Did Jesus turn him away the questions/doubts and say you don’t qualify as my follower? No. These men are modern day incarnation of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
I’m sorry about your other son dealing with those thoughts of taking his own life. This seems to occurrence far to often in SGM. But again is a sign of it being a cultic group.
Glad you got out!
Dear Kerrin,
I am so sorry that is the situation you are in. I read your polemic and the actual divorce documents and as other readers have mentioned am so aware that you must be a man not only in anguish but desperate in your attempts to reason with, dialog, and ultimately leave SGM. I have to admit that naturally reading the statements regarding your marriage made me uncomfortable and inclined to feel sympathy for Megan. And yet reading the divorce papers I started to wonder who was actually the one being cruel? You, for giving her the hurtful silent treatment because you couldn’t trust the one person you thought would be loyal or at least sympathetic to hearing your heart or Megan for betraying your confidences and then serving you with a divorce where she is asking you to pay for the professional fees, alimony, mental health bills, etc all the while pursuing SOLE custody of the kids! What in the world! Were you so abusive and offensive to her that the Kauflin klan doesn’t even deem you fit for shared custody? Regardless of the what that document from Brent said, I cannot imagine how they could twist your painful process of trying to leave this church into abandonment!
I was shocked reading your polemic and just seeing your personal anguish on display as you tried to tell them how they not you should be scrutinized for church discipline. How can these men who were your friends not see the pain you were going through then and certainly now as you seek to rebuild yourself?
Kerrin I know you don’t need my sympathy but all I can say is that I am dismayed at how they have come against you with none of the grace that they expect you to so readily give to them. How Maciavillan?? of them to ask you to deaden you emotions and pain as they sink the knife in your back!
I will be praying for you. Any man who is faced with the aggressive type of litigation and mental abuse would need space to get sane again.
@Kerrin
I suppose he does but it sure didn’t seem that way the day we spoke. Another thing I’ve noticed is that people that have tendencies to be a perfectionist or have OCD, this cult can be deadly. I’ve noticed that they tend to beat themselves up because they “failed” to live up to or think like an sgmer. Especially when how wretched you are is preached every week.
Are lines like “the conduct of the Plaintiff toward the Defendant had always been kind, affectionate, and above reproach” typical in divorce papers? That one strikes me as well nigh impossible. It’s the kind of statement that makes a person’s testimony not ring true, as was discussed previously with Eric NS in how to approach “the other side of the story.”
@Kerrin, your thoughtfulness, patience, and determination continues to inspire me. You know I’m here for you if you need anything.
@Pam, if you’d be comfortable sharing more of your counselling process, I’d be very interested in hearing how you worked through it (desertcamel87 at yahoo dot com)
@Kris,I appreciate your advice, but my passive-aggressiveness didn’t manifest itself in my finding a controlling girlfriend–actually the opposite. I believe that I have a fear of rejection and of deep emotional intimacy. So long as I can make everything seem good on the outside and that I feel in control of a situation, then I’m fine.
I think being held under the microscope at church and home made me feel like I had to be perfect, yet I always felt not good enough. Eventually I think I lost connection with myself and saw myself only in relation to whoever I happened to be talking with. In my last year of high school, I heavily challenged my authorities, but did so trying to use their own words against them and was fearful of thinking about my own internal self in the process for fear that any weakness on my part would be used against me. In the end, it happened anyhow and I was told that the devil was blinding me by saying that SGM’s structure was more Pharisaical than Christ-like and a letter was sent to all my classmate’s parents saying that I was corrupting their kids. (Note: I’ve gone back to talk with my old principal and he has apologized for doing this). All of this made me feel like I had to put up even more of an outward wall to stand up to this criticism.
I’ve adapted to externalizing almost everything and when something comes up that threatens the image I’ve created, I either shut down or turn it back on the other person. I’ve kept a huge chunk of myself off limits to myself and to my former partner and that, I believe, is largely what led to the collapse in our communication. She was too sweet and gentle to push very hard against the walls I put up; when she would try, I turned it back on her and it has caused her a lot of mental grief.
Though it’s very painful, I now know that my mindset is not healthy and that for both myself and those around me, I need to sort through a lot of things and makes major changes.
For those who felt suppressed at SGM, I would recommend looking up Passive-Aggressiveness because people in that kind of culture are most at risk: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm
Kerrin, I am sorry for your pain and anguish, for the kids, for Megan…..I pray God gives back the years the locust has eaten for all of you. In the OT, a thief had to pay back double, or four fold, for what he stole. God in His perfect justice can give you back double or more for all that has been stolen. May that justice come to your family, with great joy in the years ahead.
I keep wanting to recommend the same book on this blog. I am an avid reader especially of Reformed theology, I am Calvinist and I like CCEF authors like Ed Welch, but I keep wanting to plug this secular (“psychobabble” in the eyes of SGM I am sure) book.
Ironic perhaps, but I must try and help people understand what they are dealing with.
http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/076791581X
Kerrin, this is a must read book for you as you approach the impending court case. (by the way I am not referring to your wife). This is the one book that helped me process and understand SGM- and others like them- and give me some practical tips for dealing with-or escaping from- them.
As Un said elsewhere, many of us have no idea what we are dealing with regarding SGM leadership. ( I think I do, as I have known three sociopaths in my life). The ruthlessness and lack of remorse is classic, and perhaps this book will help some folks out there before they get ground into the dirt.
Kerrin,
I just wanted to give you e-support. I have had no experience with SGM. (Thank goodness!) However, I have come from an abusive family that has used religion in a manipulative way. (We don’t like what you said/did! Go get right with God!) Five years ago, I was involved in a family feud. The feud of the century, really!. While I did apologize, I was told to find God in addition to (you never apologized, you’re punishing your relative! May God have mercy on your soul! ) Strangely, I find my experiences similar and lurking in this group comforting.
Kerrin, I wish you the best and hope your wife comes to her senses.
Kerrin, I could say a lot here, and I’m sorry it’s come to this extreme for you guys – but I just want to say that as a woman in a bad marriage, I would never have been helped by my SG pastor to file for divorce under these grounds (which are not even Biblical, scriptural grounds. Not to minimize her issues, but seriously, she wants to trash her marriage and family for what exactly? I don’t see this supported in God’s word for her). And my marriage was MUCH worse than what is going on here (not to minimize your pain Kerrin, or your wife’s, but it was). We had much, MUCH worse problems. As a woman I was encouraged to stay and love and endure because, according to all those verses in the Bible (and you all know them too), I had no Biblical foundation to leave or seek divorce. It doesn’t seem that your wife does either. Separation can sometimes serve a purpose, give some time to cool off and think and pray, but I hope she can see the light and seek reconcilation, because I can assure you that through meekness, true humility (even just on one party’s end), love and forgiveness, patience, seeking the good of your spouse above yourself, GOD CAN WORK miracles and restore a marriage. Even when it looks absolutely impossible. He did with ours. I am so thankful I stayed. I am so thankful I left room for God to work and didn’t follow my hurt or act on feelings of “What about me?”. It was hard, and “poor me”, I suffered a lot. I really did. It was hard I tell you. But I wanted to leave place for GOD to do the miracle, not knowing if he would… Ever. But the only way to find out was in the doing. I wanted to give Him a chance and not get in the way. And He did do it. That is why I would encourage anyone in our situation to persevere. YOu never know what God can do.
(I know that that is not always the case, as I’ve read here, many times it doesn’t end with good news,I know that… but SOMETIMES it does. SOMETIMES it can.)
I hope and pray that you guys can somehow reconcile. For YOU. For your kids. For God. Not for SG (which I can’t believe is supporting this – shame, shame). I am sorry your wife’s dad is supporting this divorce. Does he realize what he’s doing?? I know it’s his daughter and everything, but think of the reprocussions. Think of the effect on his grandchildren. He’ll have to counsel other women the same way now, then I guess. It’s easy to get a divorce now in SG I can see.
Kerrin, I pray for you right now, may God give much grace and strength and conviction and discernment. Above all love. Love covers a multitude of sins. Continue to seek God on how you can love Megan through this. Really love her. What does love look like in this situation, under these circumstances? Try to not look at SGM (I know that’s close to impossible, but try), look at your wife. Whom I sense you still love. Pray for her. Pray for reconciliation. Look to God. Pray that God would break both of you, so that He may have his way in you both. He can do anything, even the impossible. Praying God’s mercies on you and your family.
much love in Christ,
Anon
@Examine, You got mail.
Bob says: “Not only is he a godly husband and dad, he’s a true servant”
From: http://www.worshipmatters.com/2007/08/23/new-look-for-worship-matters/
Kerrin,
I am praying for you and your family. You are most likely in for the roughest time of your life, and it will surely test you. I pray God’s grace on you all.
-ww
examine,
Wow, I didn’t realize that you had endured such overt and “official” condemnation (a letter sent home to other families about your corrupting influence??? what in the world???) when you were just a teen. I’m so sorry to hear about that.
You really sound like you’re doing an excellent job of picking through the pieces of the relationship that ended and learning from what happened. Are you working with a counselor, or are you just managing to do this on your own? I’m impressed with the honest perspective you have about your difficulties.
What would you say to if you heard BK’s response to the question ” what about a mediator” with- ” I am all for settling this with a mediator, we have no desire to take this to the courts”. Really? Why is what he says and what he does so opposed to each other?
I’ve tried dealing with this on my own for too long. Both in my religious struggles and in other areas of my life, I’ve tried to put too much on my own shoulders and that’s led to a lot of suppression of my thoughts and anger, and a drive to control the things around me.
I am going to see a counselor today and have ordered several books about Passive-Aggressiveness.
Kerrin,
I’m praying you and Megan will reconcile, as well.
I know it won’t be easy, and it won’t happen over night, it may even take a few years. The kind of pain the two of you are feeling doesn’t heal quickly, it’s a slow process. I’ve seen God heal couples and restore them (even sweeter than before) in some really bad situations. Love really does “cover” all things, even the worst of pain which is the betrayal of the person you love and trusted most. NOTHING hurts worse than betrayal.
After months or years of “going at it”, a couple’s emotions and feelings become numbed to one another. It’s normal. If you and/or Megan honestly don’t “feel” anything for one another right now, know that that is normal. But those feelings for one another can come back. It takes time. It takes time to trust again, and to respect again. It takes time to heal from the pain of “words spoken in anger and hurt.” But I’ve seen it happen, and it’s as miraculous as watching a woman give birth to a child…I’m amazed each time I witness both.
SGM and Bob…back off!! Let this be between Kerrin and Megan, the way God intended. Megan, you MUST get away from “daddy” and SGM for this to work. Remember your vows. You are not married to the church (SGM), you are married to Kerrin. That teaching is something whacky your church uniquely came up with to keep people in it.
Kerrin and Megan, if you decide to reconcile, make sure you get good counseling from someone that you’re CERTAIN has no affiliation with SGM. I’m sure you both have a LOT of pain and even anger to work through, and I’m sure you both need to be asking for forgiveness for a lot of stuff you wish you had never said/done.
A lot of people are praying for the two of you. Complete strangers that you will never even meet in this life. There’s power in prayer!
Thinking of you both today,
Kindred
I say “lot” a lot. :wink:
Oh, and Kerrin…
Would you be willing to move back to the states if Megan wanted to try and work things out? FAR ENOUGH to keep you from “daddy” and SGM’s intrusion, but close enough for the kids to see their grandparents and other relatives more easily.
Of course, the slightest “intrusion” would be a dealbreaker. And Megan, it’s probably going to need to be pretty FAR.
Kerrin,
You all are in my prayers.
One thing I’m wondering…how much of all this is caused by BK’s influence/looming presence in M’s mind, and how much is this because she really, heartily believes herself to be in the right?
As a daughter of an emotionally manipulative and authoritarian father, there were many points in my relationship with my husband (before we were married) where a conversation with my dad would leave me mentally helpless to disagree with him, just from the sheer force of habit after years of living to placate him and gain his approval. It would take a few days to detox (so to speak) from one of these confrontations before I could think through what *I* really believed and articulate it to myself–and then a few more as I would try to compose an email to him with my response. But if my husband hadn’t helped me be aware of how my dad’s mindset swayed my thinking, I would never have realized that I needed to do the work to process my own beliefs apart from his emotional dominance in the back of my mind.
Perhaps M has never realized her subscription to DadThink and *can’t* see past his influence in her emotional framework to process for herself what’s really going on? Or am I just reading too much into this?
(There’s got to be a term for this…it’s not as total as Stockholm Syndrome, but it’s just as insidious!)
anon,
Your comment #10 is a perfect illustration of EXACTLY what I keep saying about how hard it is to believe that Megan is being given the counsel she’s apparently being given…and the outpouring of sympathy and support she’s receiving from her SGM friends. SGM pastors typically tell wives that they have a biblical duty to follow their husbands’ leading. Wives are instructed to accept trials and submit. In the past, some women in what I would categorize as actually abusive marriages were counseled that divorce would never be an option…particularly a “biblical” divorce.
Yet in this case, somehow, Megan is the injured party? The “sinned-against” party? The one who is “suffering a great trial” so admirably (according to what her supporters posted on her blog recently)?
Like I said in a previous comment, while I have empathy for the situation she’s in, I find it pretty mind-boggling that her SGM friends and family all seem to see the dissolution of her marriage as something that is happening to her, like she’s just some sort of passive victim…when in reality, she was the one who took the legal action and actually is ASKING for the divorce.
I just don’t get it.
I don’t get the SGM logic here – or lack thereof.
Kris,
As we’ve seen in NUMEROUS situations within SGM, you’re exempt from the “rules” when you’re SGM royalty. It’s really quite unbelievable at just how blatant they are about it. It shows how confident they are that no one will challenge the blatant double standards. They’ve done their job well.
Even with this situation with Kerrin, where it’s publicly out there for ALL to see, they’re not the least bit concerned. SGM is the world they’ve created, and no one in “that world” will challenge them, and they know it.
It’s sickening.
I was just at Refuge blog reading a post from April and I came across this: (Mole speaking to the KWCC congregation)
“…we are culpable if we do not lift our voice on behalf of one another. We cannot say, “It’s not our responsibility. We are an elder led church. The elders know best and they will take care of it”. On the contrary, when the elders in an elder led church foul something up, it is the church’s responsibility to say, and do, something about it.”
Members of Covenant Life Church:
WAKE UP!!!! Stand up and START ASKING QUESTIONS!!!! As Kerrin says “listen to your gut!” When they tell you Kerrin is not a believer, ignored Megan, making decisions without her, spending money on yoga etc, tell them HOGWASH!
And FORCE them to explain to you where the Bible commands divorce in this situation.
If you read your Bible, you know what it says about divorce.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HELP KERRIN IN HIS FIGHT FOR HIS CHILDREN, PLEASE EMAIL ME SidneySurvivor at gmail dot com
**Kerrin is in no way involved in this and he very reluctantly agreed to it. Several people felt it was important to do.
Good article on codependency…
http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/2009/04/daughters-of-patriarchy-codependency.html
Just finished reading the summons that Kerrin references and provides in this post. Here is one of the reactions I have: my dear suffering xSG sisters who come to this site. Those of you who SG counseled, bullied, and belittled into staying in a marriage that hurt like hell. Your problem was not who you married; your problem was who your parents were.
Just when these guys cease to amaze me they amaze me again,
Former SG Pastor
Megan,
You and SGMers like you who have grown up in SGM should check out some of the articles on the site I posted in #24.
No, you’re not “quiverfull daughters”, but the reason “Christian outsiders” see you as odd/abnormal/dysfunctional and feel sorry for you is due to some of the same control issues found within the quiverfull circles. SGM children suffer similarly in varying degrees.
SGM may “package” some of it differently, but the effect is the same. SGM does a good job of convincing kids that their parents are doing parenting “right” – the most godly and biblical way – all other “christian parenting” outside of SGM is wrong.
Don’t be scared to read on sites like “quiveringdaughters”, the Holy Spirit will guide you while reading, and give you discernment as to anything that might not be profitable or truthful. As others have said, learn to think on your own and trust the Holy Spirit.
A Kindred Spirit– Thanks for sharing that article. I think there are certainly a lot of overlaps for daughters of SGM and of the Quiverfull movement, both of which I have felt. The net effect of this is an unconscious domination of a daughter’s intellect and emotions by the authority figure and established “standards.”
It all comes down to control, really. Reformed folks seem to be the most prone to this (ironically, I think–shouldn’t they distrust themselves/human nature more?) craving for authority and control over the lives of those in their flock/family. Priesthood of the believer turns into priesthood of the patriarch/pastor, and everyone else is subject to constant scrutiny for evidences of their depravity, which is then held over them as a manipulative tool.
Ugh.
I just thought of something…Megan’s living with “daddy”!
There’s probably no way she can get on a computer and read without daddy monitoring what it is she’s reading. He’s probably monitoring EVERYTHING! :|
It’s situations like this that make me fantasize about becoming a part of these groups that “kidnap” people to save them from cults. :wink:
Mattie,
You’ve touched on something interesting. I think a lot of the kids who were raised in SGM during the era of “instant obedience” could easily have a difficult time with their sense of self, their sense of separateness from their parents.
I just know that I’ve heard a number of stories about adult SGM “kids” who continue to struggle with a lack of personal boundaries, especially in relation to their parents.
Kris,
It’s only natural–when you have Shepherding movement influence on your church community, Quiverfull homeschooling, Ezzo-influenced parenting, AND father-led courtship (where Megan’s journal entry about not being initially attracted to Kerrin but being urged by her community to consider him is part of a trend among those really buying into the follow-your-father’s-lead courtship model), you lose your sense of self, your sense of boundaries, and your ability to feel free to make a decision on your own (Bethany Patchin and Sam Torode, of Brio come to mind here).
Actually [tangent warning] this has been my main concern about the group that Mole led away from KingsWay in Midlothian–all the older adults there are thinking for themselves and reorienting their mindsets and trying to establish a church that will be different from KW, but the young adults going with them were all raised in this culture and don’t seem to be doing much thinking for themselves as they transition (with their families) to this new church plant led by Sky Cline and Mole. I feel like many of them are just participating in family-led group-think again.
“The congregation has real authority. It is also true that the Bible presents the local congregation as having the final say in matters of dispute, doctrine, discipline, and membership. The congregation exercises this authority for the maintenance of the Body’s health and for the accountability of the elders”. — 9marks.org, Mark Dever
Mattie,
I had no idea Bethany and Sam Torode had divorced. These are some forum comments I found on the first site google pulled up.
Anybody who was a frequent reader on Focus on the Family’s “Boundless” remember the couple well.
Here’s another comment that was made on the same thread…
“Woe to us if we are passive, when even the least among us, is harmed…. and the body of Christ, in which those who are harmed belong to and depend on, fail to lift their voice, and instead choose to remain silent.”
-Mole in the letter he wrote to his SGM church, KWCC, after he left. It is an April post on http://www.sgmrefuge.com
There are FIVE children in this story. They are being harmed. Members of CLC…WAKE UP!
Ahhh, I see Focus on The Family has pulled the articles…the links are dead.
Bethany and Sam made save-the-first-kiss-for-the-altar famous. They were the poster couple. Virgin Lips!
Which reminds me…Focus on The Family needs to do some recanting of their own. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when I first discovered how many article contributors were affiliated with SGM.
A Kindred Spirit–
Sorry, didn’t mean to derail this with the comment about Bethany and Sam. A gossipy thread on that is here: http://freejinger.yuku.com/topic/1066. It might answer some of your questions on the backstory.
The reason I mentioned Bethany is that her blog has detailed a lot of her processing as she’s broken free from a lot of the codependent ways of thinking cultivated by the homeschool/courtship culture, and it’s been really interesting to see her realize how much of a fish in water she had been–the problem was so close to her that she didn’t see it until she was out.
This happens way, way too often in SGM/Quiverfull circles.
I’ve been out of the Focus on the Family loop for a while — but I was outraged back in the day at a few SGM pastors’ frequent criticism of Focus on the Family. FOF just wasn’t legalistic enough to suit them!
Remembering an old song — here’s a paraphrase — SGM swings like a pendulum do!
Mattie,
Thanks, that’s the thread I took the comments from.
And I thanks for this, it gives hope…
The reason I mentioned Bethany is that her blog has detailed a lot of her processing as she’s broken free from a lot of the codependent ways of thinking cultivated by the homeschool/courtship culture, and it’s been really interesting to see her realize how much of a fish in water she had been–the problem was so close to her that she didn’t see it until she was out.
This happens way, way too often in SGM/Quiverfull circles.
I’m glad you’ve joined us, Mattie. What you have to say is good for the young people in SGM to hear. :)
Sorry, I failed to “blockquote” Mattie’s quote.
*
*
“For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.” – 1 Corinthians 2:11
How many times have we listened to CJ proclaim to KNOW how the hearts and minds of his membership?
How many of CJ’s “set task’s” are based on the SGM church “knowing” you and the depths of your sin?
How many of you survivors have had your salvation questioned, or been on the receiving end of “Authoritative” judgment from the SGM Pastors?
How can any church “get it right” when the requisite knowledge to address things as specifically as SGM seeks to, is beyond them to know or understand in the first place.
One would have to conclude that these men, contrary to scripture, are in direct communication with God, or that they are completely delusional. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOLHBRHrlHI
To truly have the authority they claim, they would have to have a knowledge that is cosmically, biblically, and scripturally beyond them.
PS – Sending out warning letters to the Church because a kid is reading philosophy, REALLY!! Just how petty is the SGM God?
Kindred…how do you blockquote? Geeze…I’m i blog illiterate! :)
Sidney
“The congregation has real authority. It is also true that the Bible presents the local congregation as having the final say in matters of dispute, doctrine, discipline, and membership. The congregation exercises this authority for the maintenance of the Body’s health and for the accountability of the elders”. — 9marks.org, Mark Dever
Yeah….about that… CLC is incorporated as a regular business……The CLC elders are paid staff pastors…..and their is no voice or vote in CLC when one is a member by “Ecclesiastical” standards.
How do the CLC Pastors put it?
“People vote with their feet around here.”
So the CLC members options are to stay or walk. To hope for change, by what mechanism other than individual or collective departure?
Haha…Sidney…Kris had to teach me.
You put
at the end, and it has to begin at the space right before the beginning of the first word and the space right after the last word (in other words, right next to those words with no spaces in between).
Does that make sense?
Grrrr…it blockquoted me when I was giving you instruction. (See how stupid I am, Sidney.)
I don’t think I can tell you because it will actually blockquote what I’m trying to say. Kris, can you help Sidney through an email so it won’t actually blockquote.
i have known kerrin for most of my life. i met him in the third grade. i watched his life happen, and i lived some of my own. now reading it again, i am at a loss. so many memories. so many things i just don’t understand. how did we all get here?
you know those moments where your head sinks a little in shame and embarrassment because you remember something foolish you did? maybe something you did that hurt someone? maybe something you did, and looking back now, you wish with all your might you could take it back? how could i have been so utterly stupid? you all know those moments im talking about right? yeah, the people leading clc have no idea what i’m talking about. that annoys me. it must be nice to be so completely immune to third party perspective. it is only the greatest place on earth to them, because it makes them rich, famous, worshiped, and largely untouchable.
i called-out a room full of pastors. not one of them tried to deny my observations or even offer any kind of rebuttal. they all just sat there and listened to me for 2 hours. but, they forgot all about me a few days later im sure.
kerrin, for whatever reason, and unfortunately i guess, you are in a position to shake loose things that apparently others can’t. don’t stop. do it for the rest of us. you owe it to me.
“has treated the Plaintiff with extreme mental cruelty and has been guilty of cruelty of treatment toward the Plaintiff, endangering Plaintiff’s safety, health, and happiness, has assaulted the Plaintiff verbally, has humiliated her on numerous occasions”
Sounds like the typical ideal marriage in SGM to me, what’s the problem?
So sorry to read about your experience Kerrin, nothing short of horribly ridiculous.
Julie, I thought the same thing when I read that.
You know, I used to see my husband talking with our Care Group leader and I would know that they were talking about me. I confronted him on several occasions and he admitted that he was getting advice, because he just “didn’t know how to respond to my questions. ”
I eventually stopped telling him any problems I had with SGM. It’s really hard not being able to confide in your best friend about your fears and concerns. I am so sympathetic to Kerrin in this regard. It would help so much if our spouses would just think for themselves and use that brain God gave them rather than trusting someone else to think for them.
Kerrin, thanks again for posting your story. You have no idea how much I appreciate your courage and solidarity. The truth behind SGM must be told.
This is my first time posting here, but I have posted before on Refuge. I am THANKFUL to be out of SGM and I am THANKFUL that God is raising up a new church in the Midlothian , VA area for those of us who have left Kingsway Community Church in the last year or so and for others. In my postings on Refuge, I have shared that our family DID NOT fit the stereotype for SGM in that we did not homeschool. I don’t know really why we stayed so long (11 yrs.) but I am so grateful and THANKFUL that God has been with us all along the way and continues to guide and direct us by His Spirit.
I guess I would like to address Mattie and say to please watch your comments about the new church and the young people there. Please give them and us a break! The church is young and by God’s grace we will not repeat the mistakes that we witnessed at Kingsway. I think it’s TOO EARLY to make such blanket statements about the young people not being able to break out of the SGM mindset and culture. Have you visited? Do you know how open the services are and the freedom in the Spirit for old and young alike to share openly during the services. We are all, the young and older, having to de-tox and get some cultural things out of our systems but God has been so faithful to renew our hearts and minds. I have actually seen very little here that even resembles Kingsway or SGM!
Mattie (and others) please don’t be so quick to judge this new work. And please stop referring to this church as “Bob’s” The church’s name is Christ Central Church and as a matter of record here, Mole has actually asked the church that he not be considered as we seek the Lord and pray about naming some men (2-3) to function as “provisional elders.”
Please forgive me if I sound defensive. Maybe I am a little bit because this new work has been so exciting to see God move and has been such a blessing to so many. Many of the sheep have been scattered after leaving Kingsway. Some found other churches right away but some are a little lost even right now. This church has been such a blessing as a place of safe haven for us now and I really feel like this church will be a safe haven for a few more yet to come out of Kingsway. And I know that God will be faithful to help us ALL (the young people and us older folks) to become healthy in HIM.
I think this has all been amazing considering that we just had our first public worship service on Easter Sunday! God has been very good to us! I am truly THANKFUL!
I am appalled at the hypocrisy/double standard we are seeing here. Bob can help his daughter get a divorce because her husband wanted to leave SGM with HIS family? Yet, CLC promotes divorce only when adultery is involved or when an unbeliever decides to divorce an believing spouse? Is that how they are trying to portray Kerrin? As an unbeliever? Even then, he is not initiating divorce proceedings, if I’m reading correctly.
Shoot, I’d like to see this played out in a court of law if it wasn’t that it would be so traumatic for Kerrin. I feel that SGM is like a runaway train and they don’t realize there is a cliff at the end of the track. How can they not see it? :scratch