Megan’s response…
June 30, 2011 in Sovereign Grace Ministries
[Kris says: Last night, a Sovereign Grace pastor functioning as a go-between for Kerrin’s estranged wife Megan emailed me a pdf that contained her story, with a note that she wanted me to publish it. Megan herself has not been in touch with me. I have no idea if she plans to comment here, either directly or through her go-between, to clarify anything or answer questions, as Kerrin has done.
(You can access Kerrin’s story here and here.)
Please note, in her original version, Megan made a stylistic choice not to capitalize anything. For the sake of readability, I’ve edited her writing (except for some of the quoted personal emails, which appear in itallics) to follow conventional capitalization rules. I may have missed fixing a few words, but otherwise, everything is as Megan’s go-between sent it to me.]
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Megan writes: I have sought to be extremely careful and discreet on my blog regarding the very personal, painful events transpiring in our family over the past two years; but due to the rumors being circulated [Kris says: Is it really a “rumor being circulated” if her husband shares his perspective of what happened to him?] and the questions being raised, I thought it would be helpful to share my side of the story. No doubt my words will be subject to misinterpretation and misunderstanding, but the fact of the matter is, I would much rather have conclusions drawn and judgments made on my words, over the speculation resulting from hearing a one-sided perspective.
I’m not looking to justify myself or defend my actions here. Honestly, I just
want to know that if our children ever happen to come across these postings,
there would be no doubt that mommy loved their daddy very much, no matter what he did, and that she did everything she could to restore their relationship. I
pray that you hear my heart.
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It was two years ago, almost to the day, that my husband first began expressing his differences of belief to me. We had met and married in a local evangelical church, served together for many years in leadership and on the music team, and were preparing to join our friends Eric and Lisa Simmons in planting a new church in Arlington, Virginia. [Kris says: Megan and Kerrin met at Covenant Life Church, the flagship congregation of Sovereign Grace Ministries. This is a crucial detail, as there are quite a few folks out there who do NOT consider CLC to be just another “local evangelical church.”] These theological disagreements were sudden and unexpected. We spent the next 6 months dialoguing back and forth, as I sought to understand his new way of thinking and how, as a wife, I could follow and support him as he led our family in a different direction. We made significant changes related to the parenting, discipline and education of our children. While it was a very difficult season of conflict, it was also so very good in helping me think through and re-evaluate why I did what I did. I came to see issues of preference I held that just really didn’t matter, as well as, the core issues of my faith that did. I spent many hours reading books and searching the Scriptures as I sought to own and defend my beliefs to the husband who no longer believed them.
In December of 2009, my husband informed me that he no longer wanted to participate in the Arlington church plant and would be looking for a new church elsewhere that we could attend as a family. while this was a painful decision process, I encouraged him to look. we agreed that I would continue attending our old church with our four children, until he found a few options we could visit together. God did a great work in my heart over those months, bringing me to a real place of faith in seeking to follow and support my husband in where he wanted to go. my only appeal was that we go to a church that preached the Bible as God’s Word and the Gospel clearly and faithfully. I communicated my desire to follow him verbally and via email, writing on June 15 : “I do want to explore the option of church together. I have hopes that maybe GraceDC would be a good fit…I don’t care where it is. If we can find a church that both of us can be at. I want to be there. Banish the thought from your mind that I am not open to trying other churches.”
I never received a response. I started doing my own church research, and even made a few suggestions of options to check out; but he seemed increasingly disengaged. By the end of June, he concluded that we were going to be unable to find a church where we would both be happy, and told me to just do whatever I wanted.
From that point on, communication between us virtually ceased, apart from figuring out scheduling and life logistics. I was confused and torn, knowing that continuing to attend the church where I was only seemed to be making matters worse, but not knowing where else to go, alone, with my four, soon to be 5 children. I tried to get direction from my husband as to what would make him happy, but he would give me none. From my perspective, his church attendance had dwindled and all but ceased, so I couldn’t attend with him, even if he wanted me to. Our home life deteriorated. I continued to seek to pursue and draw my husband out, trying to understand and get a window into his turmoil; but he was increasingly silent and absent.
I offered verbally and via email that I go to another church by myself, if that would do anything to help our situation. I pleaded that we agree to disagree, that we accept our vast differences and continue to love each other despite them. I wasn’t trying to convince him to think differently, I just wanted some mutual respect and tolerance. I wanted to try to help, but I didn’t know how. I knew he was miserable, but he had shut me out, and I didn’t know how to get back in. On November 15 of 2010 I wrote:
believe it or not, my ‘stand’ has never been that I will only go to a sovgrace church.
I suggested other churches, remember?
what is important to me, is the reformed theology you despise.
you want to attack something, attack that…
that the Bible is the Word of God.
that we are a sinful people in need of a Savior.
that Jesus is the only way, truth, life
and no one comes to the Father except through Him.
because honestly, those are the things I care about.
and I don’t care what church I go to as long as those things are being taught.
but it seems rather late in the game to be going back to the church discussion…
please just know that I love you.
I want to be your wife.
I want us to be a family.
whatever that may look like.
and I will keep pleading for that, until you say you are done.
Again and again, I told him that I want to be a family, that I love him no matter what he believes, and could he please try to make “us” work, to no avail or response.
In the fall of 2010, two weeks before I was due to be induced with our 5th child, my husband emailed to inform me that he had quit his job. Around this time, we also began receiving notices from our mortgage company in the mail regarding delinquent payments. It was an extremely stressful season with a non-communicative husband, a new baby, no income, and a house heading for foreclosure. I began attending church in Arlington, hoping that distance from our former church would help somehow. Our financial situation worsened, as my husband had no success in the job hunt. I found out that we had lost our insurance coverage, and started preparing for the loss of our house as well. A new British passport arrived in the mail, and I found British citizenship documents for our children on my husband’s desk. It seemed imminent that he had some plan in the works, but when pressed he refused to divulge anything about what he was thinking.
In February of 2011, I came across a check written to a name I didn’t recognize. I googled the name and discovered it was for a divorce lawyer. My husband was out of town for the weekend, visiting a friend, at the time. As soon as he returned, I confronted him with the check and told him I was not leaving his room until he told me what was going on. At long last, he announced that in 2 months he was leaving for Europe where he had lined up temporary work. He told me we were going to abandon our house, and I was to go live at my parents with the kids for a year, at which point we would join him.
After the initial shock, I started asking questions… how will we be provided for in his absence? Won’t I be held responsible for the financial ruin he’s leaving behind? After being MIA over the previous 9 months, and then leaving us for a year, how would this help our family situation? I had pleaded often over the summer that we get help from someone, anyone. My husband’s grandmother had even offered to pay for us to go see a marriage counselor she knew; but he declined. If he wasn’t willing to get help here, I didn’t see how going there would improve our situation. Given the lack of care for me personally, physically and otherwise, I didn’t feel it would be safe or wise for me to move overseas. There was no indication from him that his treatment of me would be any different when I came.
The day after our conversation, I went by myself to meet with the counselor, recommended by my husband’s grandmother. He listened to my recounting of the past year, and encouraged me to go see a lawyer. At this point, my biggest concern was provision for myself and the kids, and protection in the financial matters at hand. I scheduled a meeting with a lawyer, making it very clear that my intentions were in no way vindictive or out of a desire to end our marriage. She counseled me to file for a legal separation, which in Maryland is defined as limited divorce, so that I would have a financial commitment and be able to make decisions for the children in my husband’s absence. In the end, this act really seemed the only way to guarantee accountability. It also provided documentation of what was taking place, enabling me to get insurance for myself and the kids through the state. My hope was that this measure would help my husband see the severity of his actions, and open the door for us to dialogue about our differences. I was truly heartbroken that I just didn’t see any other option.
I began packing up and selling off our possessions, alone, as I prepared to move myself and the kids into my parents basement. For logistical reasons, and to try to serve the kids in separating the trauma of the major life changes going down, I made the decision to move at the beginning of April, rather than waiting until my husband left, May 2. In mid-March, I found out that unbeknownst to me he had listed the house for short-sale in anticipation of the foreclosure, necessitating the move as well.
After the move, my lawyer unsuccessfully tried to have the papers delivered for three weeks. They were finally received, via certified mail, just a week and a half before my husband’s scheduled departure. As soon as I knew he had received them, I sent an email on April 18 pouring out my heart :
I don’t really know what to say, even though I’ve been writing this email in my head for weeks now. You should be proud of me… I went to people outside of my “social group” – a counselor and a lawyer – and this is what they counseled me to do. I really don’t feel I have any other option at this point. For over a year, I have sought to reason, plead, compromise and convince you to try to make our marriage work. To no avail. At the end of the day, no matter how much I want it, it takes two, and you have given me nothing. If I had any hopes that my even considering going with you would make things different, they were dashed by your email (of February 25) which gave no indication that you either wanted or planned to change the way you relate to me. You seem completely blind to the irrationality of your plan and the damage that has already been done. I hope you understand that if I am not being cared and provided for here, there is no way practically, emotionally or physically that I could go to a place where I have no other support. I t would not be safe or wise for myself or our children. I had hoped we could reach some sort of agreement. That we could try to work things out, or meet with a counselor; but that didn’t seem to be an option. You have been completely closed to any sort of reasoning for quite some time. I don’t know what else to do but protect myself legally, in hopes that you will see the severity and consequence of your actions.
I don’t know that I will ever understand why you gave up on us so soon…why you seem to think our relationship is not worth fighting for. I fought as hard as I could to make it work, and it truly breaks my heart to have reached the point where I feel there is simply nothing more I can do. The offer stands to seek some form of counseling or mediation together. Don’t view this course of action as me throwing in the towel. The choice, the initiative, is yours for the taking. S how me you want to try to make this work. You have broken my heart, my world, and my trust. I feel like everything I hold dear has been torn down and trampled upon. My husband, my family, my home, and life as I knew it are no more. I’ve looked to you for affection, provision, security, protection, and love. You seem unwilling or incapable of giving it.
I closed the email with : somehow, I still love you. I don’t know how else to explain the fact that I hurt for you more than feel anger towards you. I will never stop praying.
A few days later, I received word from my lawyer that my husband had filed a countercomplaint for mutual and voluntary final divorce. It seemed he was done and wanted out, and had no desire to try to work things out.
I had lost my home, my financial security, my way of life, and now my husband and the father of my children. It was a devastating blow. He left the country, without so much as a word to me, and we didn’t hear from him again for over two weeks. I wanted to give the kids space to process what had happened, but still comfort them when they were grieving. I encouraged them to email daddy when they were sad, because that was the only method of communication we had. We went back and forth, trying to establish some sort of temporary agreement, with no success. On May 17, I received an email with a phone number and skype address. Shortly thereafter, I began receiving emails from my husband demanding I let him speak with the kids, although he never even tried to call.
I was hesitant to set up a regular phone time, in light of nothing in writing. Relationship without any responsibility didn’t seem fair; but seeing that there was little hope of an agreement being signed, I arranged for a weekly skype. The first took place on June 5.
There is still nothing in place for the provision for myself and the kids.
Needless to say, the past few months have been extremely full, caring for five children on my own, as well as working to provide income for our expenses – legal fees, rent, groceries, etc. In addition to walking through my own grief over all that has been lost, I have been seeking to help our children deal with the life changes as well. Our world has been turned upside down, but God has been faithful. He has provided for us thus far, and I trust He will continue to do so. My comfort is found in His promises. His nearness is my good. I pray that He will restore our family and redeem this situation, and would be so grateful if you would do the same.
I’m glad to hear that Megan wasn’t pressured into the divorce by Bob. Sounds like things went through appropriate channels.
Sadly, nothing else here comes as much of a surprise, given what Kerrin had to say. It seemed like Kerrin was presenting his story as a devastating critique of CLC/SGM, even going so far as to blame them for the dissolution of his marriage, in order to downplay or cover up his own responsibility in the matter. The real tip-offs were the consistent absence of care, love or remorse when he spoke of his wife. That wasn’t SGM, brother. That was you.
Poor Megan. I’m praying for her and her family, and for Kerrin.
Like I said, Megan has chosen not to communicate directly with me. I have no idea if she plans to respond here to anyone’s comments or questions.
As I’ve said before, several times, I definitely have sympathy for Megan in her situation. It would suck to lose everything you’d thought you had.
But my initial impression, after reading what she’s shared, is a sense of frustration.
If Megan were to come around and answer questions, I would like to ask her what, if anything, she might have done to contribute to the breakdown of her marriage? From how she tells things, she is a complete and total innocent victim who has never done a thing wrong. But what of Kerrin’s statements about how, for instance, Megan betrayed his confidences?
Also, I find it interesting that Megan chose to refer to CLC as a “local evangelical church.” Why so vague? Kerrin has stated in no uncertain terms that it was his efforts at questioning his SGM authorities and attempting to extricate himself from what he calls a “cult” that stressed him out to the point where his performance at work suffered…leading to his eventual job loss. Whether or not Megan agrees that her church has issues, I am sort of amazed that she doesn’t at least acknowledge that Kerrin had obviously been through some sort of trauma…that it wasn’t like he just willy-nilly decided to “quit his job.”
I also think Megan might be a bit self-deceived, in terms of how she sees her willingness to go to church “wherever her husband led them.” Obviously she laid out some very tight parameters of what sort of church she’d be willing to attend. More importantly, what a lot of SGMers don’t understand is that the SGM concept of “sinners in need of a Savior” is often quite a different emphasis in “normal” Christianity. I’m NOT talking about “liberal” churches, either – I’m talking about Bible-believing gospel-proclaiming churches. SGM’s “gospel” has a much greater emphasis on directing everything back around to our horrific sinful condition, while “normal” conservative (and truly “evangelical”) churches place more emphasis on Jesus.
So I’m thinking that realistically, Megan wasn’t nearly so flexible and accommodating as she thinks she was. When you say you’ll “follow your husband,” it doesn’t mean that you then get to set very specific limits on where he leads you.
I just read Meghan’s story. It’s sad and yes, I do feel for her. That’s hard! Even if the way she or Kerrin sees their aspects of their relationship are different, they both see what they see and both sides appear to be very hard. The thing about how she has told her story is that without timelines and real depth of when these things would take place, it gives the idea that it all happened at once. That he just stopped talking to her, stop paying the bills, moved out and left.
Timelines help others have more grasp on how things happened and I think that is important. What has helped Kerrin, IMO, is that he has given a recount on when things happened. Their stories, save a few things, are pretty much alike. I didn’t see anything in there that Kerrin didn’t say–other than her views on him abandoning their family etc… but I can understand and see why she sees it that way.
When Kerrin gave his account of how things had happened, he said this happened, a few days/weeks/months passed and then this happened, etc… So that it’s clear to the reader that he didn’t just up and do all of this within the span of a very short period of time.
I think it’s interesting that she says he brought this up suddenly that he had a problem with their church, whereas I think I remember him saying that he has had a problem with the church for 7 years. That doesn’t mean that during those 7 years, he told her anything. It’s possible he could have kept that from her. Also, if her emails are true, it does appear that she had a sincere desire to be with him still and to save her marriage.
But if what Kerrin said was true about the betrayals of trust and confidence, which Meghan did not mention that she did, then it would appear that she wouldn’t consider those actions as helping her marriage deteriorate and be cause for him shutting down and shutting her out. I[‘m not also saying that him shutting her down and shutting her out was right and that he shouldn’t have fought to preserve communication on some decent level with her–but I do understand betrayal and I can understand his reaction.
I think from the culture at SGM, we all pretty much know that these two were not in their marriage alone. And just as Kerrin has said, that has been the case. I dont think Meghan appears to even view it that way, to which she also may not understand that having a hand in the deterioration of her marriage as well.
But there’s grace for her and compassion. It would be devastating to see that your spouse was having a faith crisis, even if he were right about what he was seeing. The Kerrin she knows isn’t this new guy who has come out of the dark and now sees the light–the truth. That would be devastating for anyone. I imagine maybe the same type of devastation of being an atheist and then your marriage partner, after 15 years become a born-again believer. THAT would be devastating because the relationship, the foundations, the game, all of it changes. I understand Meghan’s devastation.
I think also that Kerrin’s timing, because of his desperation, wasn’t so great in deciding to leave at the time he did or order the passports. It does look sketch. But I understand his desperation too.
Reading her letter, you can see someone who just hasn’t been able to mature on her own and really manage the details of her marriage within her partnership. Knowing the details Kerrin has given, it also appears that she can’t really think independently without disclosing very private things to others for their input. I saw this all the time at my old church. I dont think people realize that dealing with adversity is a learned skill and doesn’t always involve bringing others who are outside into a personal situation.
I believe had she kept her parents out of the situation, and dealt with this on her own with her husband, they may have been able to salvage their relationship. She seems to have really wanted to work things out with him–although she may not have wanted the respect the boundaries that Kerrin did want.
@Gamaliel Let’s not be so quick to judge any side of the story…especially when we accuse folks of “absence of care, love or remorse”.
I had a falling out with an aunt. I have been accused of not “loving her”. My family is so wrapped up in my aunt’s personal story any criticism of her is an attack against her.
Megan mentioned in her email “what is important to me, is the reformed theology you despise”. Just like my family, they are so wrapped up in “reformed theology” they can’t see other things. Simple things. Like the fact that Kerrin really does love his kids and Megan.
This story is not just grey. It’s shades of grey.
Also…
I see this situation in both personal terms and terms that have much broader implications.
On a personal level, I’m sad for both Megan and Kerrin.
But while we can feel their pain, have sympathy for both of them as individuals, and pray for the restoration of their marriage, I still believe that every SGMer should be questioning how this situation can be held up as a “biblical” divorce.
There’s a huge disparity between the outpouring of support for Megan – who, understandably in the eyes of the world, wishes that her husband would not have quit his job, would have enabled them to keep their home, and would “care for” her – and the counsel that SGM pastors have given to other wives who have faced far worse and more abusive behaviors from their husbands.
Gamaliel–
You are right, Kerrin chose to not speak to his wife, shut her out, not respond lovingly. That was his responsibility. But a few things:
1. Kerrin never said that SGM made him speak to his wife that way. LOL
2. Kerrin has stated with many facts and instances of how the culture, control, manipulation and other things have led to the dissolution of his marriage. Did you read any of that?
You are comparing two things with an unrelated cause to which Kerrin never stated was so. He clearly stated that he shut down on his wife because of the betrayal of trust on her part. I guess maybe you dont think it’s a big deal and maybe you would respond differently, but if my husband (I’m single, BTW) told some VERY private things that I entrusted him with, being the most intimate relationship in my life, then yes, I might, in fact shut down on him and not respond to him lovingly.
You can’t load the blame on one person for responding in a certain way and not acknowledge the seriousness of what caused him to do that. I’m sure in your book he could have manned-up and loved on his wife and communicated lovingly to her. But in my book, he could have just spoken to her, communicated clearly to her–and no, it didn’t have to ooze with some sappy love when he wasn’t feeling that way. That’s unrealistic.
I have never for once read that Kerrin up-played the atrocities of SGM to forfeit his responsibility in the matter. And I’m sure if you read here often, you can see the very common underlying issues of control and abuse of authority within their organization, especially on relationships and marriages and family issues. That’s really a nobrainer.
A new commenter going by the handle of “think” posted the following comments to the previous post last night, after someone else had linked to where Megan had shared her story on her blog. “think’s” comments sat in moderation because he/she is new. I’m posting them here, as they apply to Megan’s story.
The church that Megan quotes herself as hoping would be a good fit for their entire family, GraceDC, is a local Presbyterian Church in America congregation. It can be somewhat summed up as “Reformed-lite” in that there’s the influence of Reformed theology there, but if you aren’t Reformed you could still be fairly comfortable there. It wouldn’t be like jumping to CHBC.
One thing that really makes me feel for Megan here is the breakdown in communication, which seems to have been an ongoing problem – as evidenced by their habitual use of email to communicate important information rather than talking about it in person, and both Kerrin and Megan’s acceptance of email and Skype as sufficient contact for him with his kids. Any wife would feel hugely bewildered and neglected if she poured out her heart (over email, over phone, in person) and got repeatedly ignored, and only found out significant information regarding her husband’s decisions and deep personal struggle through confrontation or Google searching a name.
If she had betrayed his trust by talking with her parents or close friends (btw – she may have betrayed too much by way of details, but seeking support and counsel from parents and friends during a tense time maritally is pretty normal for people who are in touch with their emotions and capable of expressing them [and it appears that Megan is both]), he certainly seems to have earned whatever he got by shutting out as a petty punishment. This is passive-aggressive, childish behavior (“If you tell, I’m not going to invite you to my birthday party!”) on both sides – consistent, clear communication is vital to a mature relationship and a departure from that on either side will tear anyone apart, but especially those with nuanced differences in beliefs trying to work out their differences.
Kerrin, timeline-wise, was her frustration with the passive or uncompromising nature the church search (which is such a difficult thing to do!) for y’all as a family before or after her breeching confidence (which, you argue, pushed you away)?
The family and friends of both the husband and the wife will typically take the “side” of the one they’re the closest to. We all know that.
Divorce is hell for everyone involved, especially children. You don’t just wake up one day and decide you want a divorce. A LOT of crap has been happening long before that day arrives.
I’ve been reading on Bethany Patchin’s blog this morning.
http://www.bethanypatchin.blogspot.com
Heartbreaking.
I’m praying for all involved.
you really have no idea how many children i had when i lived in a basement apartment. i do know that if i were megan, when kerrin told me that he could not support our family at the moment and that he wanted to live overseas for a year while i lived in an apartment with my parents for a year the answer would be, “Hells no, boy. We are a family and we are sticking together!” And then I’d move with him wherever. Kind of a biblical thing in mind, though I understand that all over the world families need to be apart temporarily for financial reasons. But I don’t care if we all slept in the same room for a season of life,(which I had to do with my children on more than one occasion) at least we would be together. My marriage was a freaking nightmare (my head spins at how quickly this went to a divorce route- this ain’t nuthin’ compared to the hell SGM churches have pressued women to remain in) and I STILL told my husband when he thought he had to spend a season of his life living in a one room hotel room for his work that we were ALL going with him and that we weren’t even going to spend a night apart. If he had to sleep under his desk at night because he was working so much, I also thought, “Heck, I’ll bring the kids into the office and curl up under said desk with you. We are NOT being apart even if it means discomfort. We are a FAMILY!” I know MANY families who have moved overseas- families with quite a few kids but who have moved for financial reasons, to give the family a future. MANY, MANY, MILLIONS of families live in one room! I don’t care how cramped it is where Kerrin was going- Hells no, Boy, if you were my husband, I’d be going WITH you. You ain’t out running me and the kids. We be family.
Too many of us Americans think it’s a tragedy because we don’t have a nice place to live with all of our upper middle class creature comforts. You know what? We need to grow the hell up.
Billions of people share one room with large groups of their family. What makes us so special that to us it is a tragedy while to others it is daily living that they are THANKFUL for. Sure, it would be great that after a year of 7 people in one room, they would be able to afford to go back to somewhat “normal” living. But guess what, billions don’t get to. So why would we act like being apart is better than having to “go through that”.
Come on, people, who here is going to tell me that a family being apart for a year is better than having to share one room together?
I wonder why M. missed the explanation for K’s being “disengaged”? Perhaps her picture of herself as being “discrete” is challenged by the reality that K’s words spoken to her in confidence were coming back to him via overly involved pastors and caregroup leaders?
That sort of blind side might also lead one to describe oneself as being open to going to other churches, while stipulating that the only important thing is that whatever church they attend needs to be reformed. Granted, M’s representation of what it is to be reformed sounds more evangelical, but describing herself as open, while at the same time stating such limits is giving me that buzzing in my head that I call “dissonance.” Ouch.
Frankly, “the other side of the story” sounds a lot like the story we already heard, but with a couple of things left out. The vaguely worded fear, expressed repeatedly, that it would not be “safe” to move to the U.K. seems inflammatory, though I suppose it is an expression of what her “gut” is telling her. I suspect it comes from the bunker mentality of SGM, however, rather than any reality. The chorus to Keith Green’s “Asleep in the Light” just popped into my head. Come away, come away, come away with me, my love. Come away, from this mess, come away with me my love.”
Hey, Kerrin, did you really tell her she could “do what she wants” with respect to church choice? A moment of weakness, no doubt. Get better fast and get those kids out of there!!!
One other thing. The reason I deleted the link someone posted to Megan’s own site is because her go-between said this:
I’m taking that to mean that Megan would prefer if people stop confronting her directly. Obviously, I can’t prevent anyone from finding her site and contacting her there, but I feel a sense of responsibility to ask the readers here not to bother Megan.
I feel for both Megan and Kerrin. Reading Megan’s post, it’s clear the only church she will attend is SGM like…… After reading both stories, it is clear that Kerrin wants his family out of the SGM cult and wants them away from any SGM like church. It also appears that Kerrin wants to put his family back together. Knowing SGM as I do, this will never happen with their butting in.
It is obvious that Megan is hurting too. Sadly, she is dealing with it in the SGM way (if you whine about it, you are in sin, which is total BS!!!) Megan needs to allow herself to FEEL and work out the issues with someone who will not tell her “well, you feel that way because of sin” Her entire world is upside down – her life partner realized something that she hasn’t yet and she is looking at this through SGM rose colored glasses (that SGM is a cult). She was brought up in the system, beaten into submission like the other kids in the system until she acts “sgm” like, married into the system, bought into raising your kids “sgm”‘s way. I do not mean to offend her (or Kerrin) by saying this, but she is part of sgm royality. Much like Kate Middelton, Kerrin married into the “royal” family. I am sure deep down inside she knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what happens to people who leave SGM. To think that your life time friends and your family will cut you off and pretend you are dead because you leave is a very, very, very hard thing to handle.
I do hope that she starts talking to Kerrin and realizes that the BEST thing for her and their kids is to get out. The kids do not need to be raised in that “system” created by men. Her belief in the reformed theology (which was created by MEN not God!!!) seems to be holding her back.
I pray M leaves SGM ASAP, walks away, and doesn’t look back. There is a HUGE support system here to help her. Megan and Kerrin CAN work through what happen – it will take time, but it CAN happen!!!!!
The whole situation is tragic, and they all need our prayers.
Megan is to be commended for opening up about her perspective in a very personal way. No matter what anybody thinks of her perspective, she comes from a church culture where to dare to post openly on the bitter evil blogs is unacceptable. I think she shows some real guts in asking that her side of the story be posted on this blog. As some may recall from confidential emails leaked here earlier, the CLC leadership had decided to ignore the blogs.
Two things- I don’t think Megan yet understands that SGM does not portray Reformed theology accurately, and the things people “despise” and that helped drive Kerrin away are not necessarily Reformed theology. I have very broad experience with many individuals in the Reformed Camp, I am a Calvinist, complementarian, Piper and Grudem fan…..and SGM is just not what a Reformed church is supposed to be about. I am sure Magan means it when she says:
“Bible is the Word of God.
that we are a sinful people in need of a Savior.
that Jesus is the only way, truth, life
and no one comes to the Father except through Him.
because honestly, those are the things I care about.
and I don’t care what church I go to as long as those things are being taught.”
….but I guess I am sceptical that anybody brought up by a father so sold out to CJ, with her whole life in SGM, really gets it, that SGM is so distorted.
I think we all can guess that Kerrin is on a pendulum swing and in internal crisis. He has more or less expressed that when he talks about the breadth of philosophy and theology he has read. He isn’t sure what is true or what he believes anymore. I would say that is perfectly normal, and part of the normal search for truth when one leaves a cult. I don’t think Megan gets it, that SGM is a cult. It isn’t the PCA or OPC or Reformed Baptists or any other Reformed group. Its a shepherding movement controlling cult with some Reformed doctrines like TULIP. But even there, the grace of God, and joy, is obscured by the control. CLC is not a local evangelical church, it is part of an exclusivistic shepherding movement franchise.
A husband desperately wants unity in his marrage. He wants his wife to be his biggest fan, biggest supporter, best friend, loyal companion. When Kerrin came to the place of seeing SGM for what it is- the lies and betrayals and double standards and cover ups and control- I am sure he felt like Megan did not understand at all, could not. She has a legitmate grievance in saying: “I had pleaded often over the summer that we get help from someone, anyone. My husband’s grandmother had even offered to pay for us to go see a marriage counselor she knew; but he declined.”. Perhaps, had Kerrin not given up hope at that point, the counseling would have helped them both. Perhaps they could have gone together to the person he did end up seeing? Perhaps there could have been some help there for both.
Megan says this…..”Given the lack of care for me personally, physically and otherwise, I didn’t feel it would be safe or wise for me to move overseas. There was no indication from him that his treatment of me would be any different when I came.”
Huh? I understand her fears, but how does she know living in Edinburg would not be great? Hey, Iain Murray lives there, one of the best Reformed wrters ever. She might end up in a great church, have money for a nanny, make some great friends (lots of Americans over there too). And most importantly, the kids would be with their dad. Is she thinking of what is best for the kids here, or for her? I Corinthians says the kids are set apart- sanctified- by the faith of the one parent even if Kerrin was an unbeliever. I still don’t see how she has the right to not follow her husband and let the kids be with both parents, even if she thinks he is a crappy rotten husband.
Lastly, we still are not hearing from SGM about how so many women had to stay with horrible abusive husbands that physically hit them, but Megan does not have to stay with Kerrin. Can this mysterious SGM go between pastor explain to us the double standard? We all feel really sorry for Megan, she is hurt and suffering, and Kerrin has botched some things here…..but are we all supposed to just say this is OK, when you made other women get back in bed with bruisers?
Unassimilated and Irv, I saw your questions on the previous post and I’ll try to get to them later today.
For everyone, regarding Megan’s post — Can I offer a very sobering thought for consideration, before too many comments are left here?
It always bothers me when a politically conservative woman claims to have been assaulted or discrminated against by some man and then gets no sympathy from the liberal women’s groups who would have defended her if not for her belief system being different than their’s. A woman’s group should defend all woman from abuse regardless of their belief system.
Many will be tempted to question the accuracy and completeness of Megan’s side of the story. PLEASE be thoughtful in how you do this.
I’ve been told here that an overriding concept behind this blog is that everyone’s story is their own and their pain should be taken at face value. I really think that Megan deserves that courtesy — and so does Kerrin — as much as anyone else sharing here, whether she is sharing SGM abuses or not. These people’s lives are being played out in real time. Don’t we owe them that?
PLEASE?
Mattie said, “One thing that really makes me feel for Megan here is the breakdown in communication, which seems to have been an ongoing problem – as evidenced by their habitual use of email to communicate important information rather than talking about it in person.”
I am in 100% agreement, Mattie. What really strikes me, though, (this is not going to sit well with many folks), is that SGM teaches so strongly (and no one can deny this) of the man being the head and he gets to make all the final decisions, and if he makes a final decision, the wife is just supposed to go along, always supportive and cheerful, then the horribly sad breakdown of communication is not really all that shocking. (Throw in the fact that they HAD been communicating and at least one partner feels as if the communication was betrayed, you can see all the more why this would be a problem.) But after learning the Kerrin went through Pastor’s College, my first thought was, “Well, this sounds like the same behavior as a lot of the pastor’s I know toward their wife.” I know one pastor’s wife whose husband was too busy being a pastor and writing his SGM book to even discuss the name of their baby until the baby was nearly born! And each time she reported this to me, she did it with a sweet smile. Man, I thought either she was crazy or hiding something. (Though she wasn’t hiding it very well.) And to my knowledge, that marriage wasn’t have problems with one spouse beleiving that the other would sell him out like this.
No, this is much more common in SGM and is somethign that fits in with their teaching.
It is AWFUL. But it is not surprising given the way they view marriage and the husband/wife relationship.
My heart really goes out to Megan. I don’t understand a husband not speaking to his wife. (Though the same thing happened to me.) I wanted to hold him down just to get him to talk, but you really can’t force someone to talk when they don’t want to. Then again, if you did betray them, you can repent of it and work hard on rebuilding trust, which takes time. Megan, I am not saying you did betray his trust. Maybe there is some other way that others found out about things he claimed he told you and you alone.
NLR wrote:
Well, you didn’t read it from Kerrin, anyway. I did suggest it in one of my comments on the “Kerrin’s Story” posts.
That’s the problem here. We’re looking at a situation where Kerrin was the one who shut out the wife to whom he made marriage vows, abandoned his family, and brought them to financial ruin. But because he’s on the contra SGM side, he basically gets a blank check from this blog to have his offenses (which seem to have caused about 95% of the marriage meltdown) minimized, and any perceived offenses from Megan, Bob or SGM that anyone can scrape together are trumpeted and given center stage.
There’s a strong trend on this website of focusing on real, implied or perceived offenses of SGM churches and their leaders. That is not necessarily a bad thing, because nobody else is telling the people’s side of the story in a lot of these cases. I’m not trying to write SGM off as blameless here. I agree with the common belief here that SGM poses a spiritual hazard to many Christians. I have left CLC myself over various denominational and polity issues (remember, when I started commenting on this blog I was a card-carrying, koolaid-drinking member!) and my wife and her family jumped off the KingsWay ship before it went down.
The problem here is that when an SGM person has been hurt or abused by a non-SGM person, most of you don’t have any category for viewing that kind of situation in an accurate light because of the tremendous anti-SGM bias here. This website started as a call for truth and openness in a discourse that had previously been pretty one-sided. We do need both sides of the story, in this situation and every situation. But the safety in numbers that this forum provides has given people the luxury of not ever feeling the need to look at the other side of the coin, or at least give it significant consideration. The old “Four legs good, two legs bad!” mindset that we disliked so much when we saw it in SGM people is equally objectionable when this blog adopts it.
I hate taking sides, but I have to take the same side I did before. It is a huge deal that Kerrin never displayed any remorse, care or love when he talked about his wife. It is an even bigger deal that he still doesn’t seem to be pursuing reconciliation. His posts do very strongly suggest that under the surface his story is littered with personal failure as a husband and father, all of which he’s trying to foist off on SGM’s controlling nature. Both his story and Megan’s make it clear that Megan is a victim and Kerrin for the most part is not. And, honestly, the first feeling I had from all of this is that Kerrin’s story just sounded a little slimy. I know that on this blog I will get a backlash for making that claim about anything that’s not SGM, but that’s how it comes across.
I admit I may have been getting ready to pat myself on the back with all the “oh, gosh, you were right all along, Gamaliel” comments that I thought would certainly ensue after Megan’s story was published. It’s probably good for my pride that you guys still see things the same way you did before. But seriously, let’s start caring about people more than we care that our pet project SGM is portrayed in the most negative light possible. The Kingdom is bigger than that.
Kris, I am curious as to the motivation of the pastor who is the go between. This seems strange. I mean, if Megan wants her story posted here, and as she is a very public person (singing publically since she was a teen and then blogging about the most intimate details of her life for years), why would another person have to act as a go between?
This doesn’t make sense to me. Also, I am sorry to hear people are bothering her, but what does she expect, especially as people have been doing the same to Kerrin here?
Again, this is confusing and something doesn’t add up.
You may be right here, but remember that she didn’t have much time to process this option before he was leaving and trying to take the kids with him. There was no family discussion of planning out this move and preparing for how they would all adjust socially/culturally to their new home, and such. With so many unknowns, there’s no reason for us to scold her for being hesitant to follow a man she didn’t know if she could trust anymore – especially if we’re all for her learning to think independently about what’s best for her family and herself.
“think”,
Are you a parent?
Do you have children?
Because as a mother I would give my very life for my children!!! Rent?!?
Sorry…I can’t relate to what you’re saying!
Eric NS – AMEN.
Really, folks, let’s not let our personal biases get in the way of acknowledging legitimate personal pain.
Kerrin has had his share from SGM, and it seems that Megan has her share from Kerrin.
And we are all agreed that the double-standard for divorce in SGM is abominable.
Eric NS, do you mean to say that Megan has been abused by Kerrin? If so, I am sorry to hear that, Megan. I didn’t read that anywhere in your story.
Gamaliel – Both Kerrin and Megan made mistakes. I see Kerrin trying to right his wrongs, get his family (his whole family – kids AND WIFE) out of a cult. Trying to get your loved ones out of a cult is not an easy thing to do.
Kerrin was under a huge amount of stress, effecting his entire life. That stress was caused by SGM. Kerrin had to get out or risk losing his mind. It has recently been discovered that your body burns Serotonin much, much faster when you are under stress. Serotonin is one of the chemicals in our bodies that helps control mood. SGM would label this “oh, it’s just psycho babble, the problem is sin” Umm, no the problem is SGM and it’s system.
This is such a terrible story and I find myself feeling so guilty that we are all sitting here commenting on the lives of real people who are going through the most terrible time of their lives. I think that the poster Kris identifies as Think is right that this site is about getting reform in SGM and about exposing lies and hypocrisy.
Here’s the hard part: How can you disagree with a courtship/submission/boundary-less church culture that promotes its approach to the gospel through “poster children” and public testimonies and real names used in best-selling books, without getting into specifics?
So despite my misgivings I would like to identify some things I see in this story:
1) CLC seems to teach reformed theology over and above Biblical Christianity. Yes reformed theology is an attempt to understand the Bible as a whole, but it is written by man! It is not the Bible. I think Megan’s comment about reformed theology is a window into SGM’s teaching.
2) Megan never mentions a thing about betraying Kerrin’s trust by sharing private conversations with others, including pastors. It’s my view that she was raised to believe that including others in your struggles is proper, good and appropriate. I think this shows us that the courtship culture may have downsides in never teaching women how to leave their parents and cleave to their husbands, and never teaching men how to stand up for themselves and their wives to protect what is private and between husband and wife.
3) Megan’s explanation of the bible is a good example of the partial gospel taught by SGM. For years and years, the focus has been living the cross centered life. But what about the resurrection?
I’ve copied this from the site Wartburg Watch. I don’t agree with some of their point of view, but this is well written and true:
Some more random thoughts…
What frustrated me most after reading Megan’s “side” of the story – which, as Rose points out, corresponds quite well with Kerrin’s “side” – is the sense I got that she takes no personal responsibility for any of their problems.
Also, the vaguely worded, “We had met and married in a local evangelical church” indicates that Megan doesn’t want her readers to be able to evaluate Kerrin’s claims about their church. It’s like she deliberately withheld crucial information.
I’ve been interacting with SGMers for well over 3 years, and I have never heard anyone refer to their SGM church as a “local evangelical church.” In sermons, CJ often disparages “typical evangelicals.” SGM has built an identity around being a cut above “evangelical.”
So to me, it’s very odd and very telling that Megan chose to describe her church that way. Why not just say they met at Covenant Life? Why “a local evangelical church”? Was she afraid that people would then be able to examine for themselves whether or not Kerrin’s claim that SGM is a “cult” have validity or not?
Those claims, after all, are the foundation for why Kerrin says his job performance suffered to the point where he was threatened with either quitting with severance or being fired.
It feels to me that Megan has never even acknowledged any of the validity of Kerrin’s very legitimate criticisms of their “local evangelical church.” It also feels to me that she does not differentiate between Kerrin’s questioning of his “local evangelical church,” along with the tenets of Megan’s definition of the Reformed tradition, and Kerrin’s questioning of his Christian faith.
And according to Kerrin, it was his CLC authorities’ controlling and cult-like responses that led him to express his concerns to Megan…who (according to Kerrin) betrayed his confidence by sharing his doubts with her parents – one of whom is a major celebrity leader in the cultic organization that he is questioning.
At the very least, I wish Megan would have acknowledged that while her opinion differs, her husband sees their church organization as being cultic, which is what he claims led to the downfall of his work performance.
Also…
I can imagine how frustrated and devastated I’d be if I learned in an email that Guy had quit his job, and that we were losing our income and our home. But does anyone else get the sense that Megan has quite high expectations of how her husband will “care for” her and support her financially? The way she describes her devastation is totally understandable, from one point of view…but if your husband is stressing out to the point where his job performance is being affected, wouldn’t you be more concerned about why he’s stressing and the fact that he’s distressed rather than how his lack of a paycheck is affecting your material circumstances?
Finally…
That whole line about “relationship without responsibility” is just icky to me. Kerrin is those children’s FATHER, no matter if he is performing financially the way Megan would want him to.
I failed to figure out the block quote. Here’s the quote from wartburg watch:
C.J. Mahaney begins his masterpiece, Living the Cross Centered Life, as follows:
“Each of our lives is centered on something. What’s at the center of yours? Think about it for a moment. What’s really the main thing in your life?” (p. 13)
According to Mahaney, this is how the Apostle Paul answers that question:
“Now I would remind you, brothers, of the gospel I preached to you…. For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins.” (p. 14)
Mahaney continues:
“In the midst of our various responsibilities and many possible areas of service in the kingdom of God, one overarching truth should motivate all our work and affect every part of who we are: Christ died for our sins.
This, Paul says, is the main thing. Nothing else – not even things that are biblical or honorable – are of equal or greater importance than this: God sent His Son to the cross to bear His wrath for sinners like you and me.
If there’s anything in life we should be passionate about, it’s the gospel.” (pp. 14-15)
It becomes clear that Mahaney’s definition for the “gospel” is that “Christ died for our sins.”
Now let’s go back and re-read 1 Corinthians 15:3-5 in the version that Mahaney and his fellow reformers prefer – the English Standard Version.
“ 3For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, 4that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, 5and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve.”
AMEN! DOUBLE AMEN!!
Megan – if you do respond, I do have a question about your story. I feel for you, Kerrin and especially your kids. I hope that you all are able to work everything out. My question is when you wrote: “what is important to me, is the reformed theology you despise”.
What is more important to you, a system of beliefs or commitment to your husband and your family?
Gamaliel–
Really? 95% you say? How can you even begin to quantify that and what actions, whether initiative or reactionary on Kerrin’s part caused what percentage of breakdown in his marriage, and not do the same with Meghan? Again, as I stated before, I guess you dont consider betrayal of trust a huge thing. Okay, I get you.
Also, nobody here gets Carte Blanche just because they’ve been hurt by SGM. If you read people’s comments on this story, including mine, you will see that people here have MUCH compassion for Meghan and what she’s dealing with. My point is that Kerrin did not blame the fact that he stopped talking to his wife on SGM, he blamed it on her betrayal.
Even still, I dont think anyone here doesn’t hold Kerrin responsible for not talking to his wife. We do! If there is anyone here who disagrees wtih me, they can speak now and say yes, I believe Kerrin has a good excuse. Nobody is giving him the benefit of an excuse. We just understand why. But not that anyone would approve of his behavior. But unlike you, I’m not going to say that because Meghan betrayed him, she’s responsible for 40% of her marriage breakdown and because Kerrin shut her out and left, he’s responsbile for 60. That’s ridiculous. I think they are both responsible for their OWN marriage. And that’s the point of this entire situation. Oh and if you’d pay more attention here, you’d see also that most people from the beginning have felt sorry for Meghan because they realize the level of ignorance she has about her ENTIRE situation and involvement in her “church”. Trust me, we feel VERY sorry for her. She has yet been able to acknowledge that this is an abusive and controlling organization and that she, too, is a puppet and being treated like a child. I don’t think anyone here would demonize her or make her the bad one. She ultimately is responsbile for her marriage, and her own relationship with the Lord.
Hopefully, one day she will come to that knowledge and pursue the true freedom she has in Christ. We were all once in darkness, as she is, and needed to be rescued by truth. She will have her day of freedom if the Lord answers the prayers of his people. I”m praying for her and rooting for her–that her life and her family will be restored, and that her faith would not be in Reformed Theology and the perfections of her church, but that it would be in God alone.
anonforchristianfreedom,
I think your analysis in #25 is excellent.
im feeling emotions i didnt know i had anymore. i feel like i understand both sides, and all im left with is the feeling that this is just so tragic and none of my business.
Gamaliel –
I think how you view this site’s “bias” depends upon how you view the SGM system.
I personally have for a long long time seen much of SGM’s structure and pastoral responses as fitting too well with how sociologists and cult experts characterize cultic organizations. Kerrin laid that all out in the first part of his story, and because I tend to see those same trends, I tend to have less sympathy for Megan, who, when telling her “side,” never even acknowledged Kerrin’s foundational complaints about SGM’s cultishness, or the fact that many people share her husband’s views of SGM.
As I’ve said many times, on a human level apart from this SGM stuff, I feel sorry for Megan and think her situation sucks. I question the wisdom of Kerrin’s decision to move out of the country.
But in the end, how we choose to view all of this comes back to how we view SGM. If SGM is just a benign “family of churches” that are blandly “evangelical,” and if there is no need for concern that SGM has trained its next generation from babyhood to be completely enmeshed with their parents, and if there’s no possibility that Kerrin’s very existence could be in danger because of his insider’s knowledge of what really goes on behind the scenes at the top of the SGM organization, and if SGM has never engaged in cultic levels of thought control – well, then Kerrin’s insensitive treatment of his wife is worthy of our flat-out condemnation. And we wouldn’t be able to understand why he felt like he had to do what he did.
But if you see the cultic patterns at work, you can understand Kerrin’s desperation, and also – maybe – why he could grow paranoid about talking with his wife about any of his true thoughts.
Extreme analogy here, but it’s possibly a bit like being high up in a mob family. If you see SGM as “cultic” at all, then you’d realize that the guys at the top will stop at nothing to protect their church, which they see as basically equivalent to “the gospel.” If you were married to the daughter of one of the mob bosses, and if the daughter was freely discussing your intimate conversations with her parents, what would you do?
Of course – on the other hand – if CLC is just another “local evangelical church,” then none of this applies.
I think it was Mattie who said, “I think this shows us that the courtship culture may have downsides in never teaching women how to leave their parents and cleave to their husbands, and never teaching men how to stand up for themselves and their wives to protect what is private and between husband and wife.”
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! How different would so many marriages be if BOTH partners would learn to leave and cleave. And how differnt would so many marriages be if BOTH partnersb became adults without the “influence” (I meant controlling manipulation) or their parents.
Own horn about to be blown here: my daughter THANKS me for treating her like an adult. For not giving her ANY opinion unless she asks for it. And if I ever feel like she is asking for too much, I remind her that she is an adult and that she is really good at figuring things out and that I trust she would continue to do so. I have never picked out her clothes or given her an opinion on her jewelry or her home or what house to buy or ANYTHING else unless she wants to ask me.
Even then, I ask her all her thoughts, give her time to talk and then support her in HER decision. I raised her and I got 18 years to give her MY opinions and tell her what I thought. But she hit adulthood and it was up to her to make those decisions. My gosh, wouldn’t I have been wasting my 18 years of hard work raising her if I were only planning on controlling her? No, it is up to HER. I’ll be there to support her. But she is a trustworthy adult. And the rest of her life is between her and God. No telling her who to dance with, marry, date or not date, where to go to church, what to wear, how to cut her hair, etc.
I RESPECT her and trust God.
Let’s hope that that will happen to ALL adult children in this world so that they will NOT have the complication of pleasing Mom and Dad brought into their marriage relationship.
PS. If you are a husband who makes decisions because it would please your in-laws, CHANGE. Today. You are only RUINING your family by doing this, though in your mind you are making things “peaceful”. That is a false peace. Real peace comes when there is respect and strong boundaries.
PPS. I am very close to my daughter. We speak several times a day and I LOVE the man she will marry. And he likes me, too, because I do NOT interfere. If they want my opinion, they will ask. Until then I smile and am supportive.
anonforchrist–
What post on Wartburg did you get that excerpt from? I was trying to find the discussion on their site.
Thanks
Megan, if you will take Kerrin back, I will fly to England and personally do all I can
to bring Kerrin back here, promise to leave and cleave, then let me know what non-SGM church (this means no ties, formal or informal) you and the kids are attending so I know where to put him.
UnassimilatedSGM@ gee mail dot com
I have to say that the circumstances, and what Megan would suggest is a almost total lack of SGM involvement is a slap in the face to the hundreds of men & women who returned night after night for physical spousal abuse due to SGM involvement.
Megan, the email’s and phone calls you made have not disappeared, and seem to contradict your suggestion that there was no church involvement. Your Dad’s financials are open to the courts via subpoena, as well as the churches financials.
Un–
I’m a little slow today. Can you explain what you mean by saying this: Megan, the email’s and phone calls you made have not disappeared, and seem to contradict your suggestion that there was no church involvement. Your Dad’s financials are open to the courts via subpoena, as well as the churches financials.
NLR–
Here it is:
http://thewartburgwatch.com/2010/02/10/living-the-cross-centered-life-a-“deficient-gospel”/
Kris said, “The way she describes her devastation is totally understandable, from one point of view…but if your husband is stressing out to the point where his job performance is being affected, wouldn’t you be more concerned about why he’s stressing and the fact that he’s distressed rather than how his lack of a paycheck is affecting your material circumstances?”
I thought the exact same thing. If I loved a man (or even was committed to him without loving him), my first thought would be, “Oh my gosh, how much is he suffering that he is going through this?!” Then I would hope it would be, “Baby, we will get through this. Together.” And then repeat, “Remember, fool, you’re NOT leaving us behind. Whereever you go, I will go. Your country will be my country. We’ll get this worked out. But we will be together.”
I had a friend whose grandfather came to the US from Italy, in order to provide for his family. He left behind a wife and a whole bunch of kids (I thought it was 5 but I could be wrong so I don’t want to say it was 5 for sure). He was supposed to come over here, get work, then after a year or two, bring the wife and kids over.
Do you know what happened? Nothing. The guy never sent word. Never sent tickets. His wife and children were left behind, very poor. (We’re not talking Montgomery County, MD “poor”, either.) Do you know what happened next? (I love this part of the story.)
The wife somehow got money (I am not sure from where- we can only guess friends and family) and got her and the kids tickets to come on a slow boat over to the US. She didn’t even know where to start looking for her husband. She spoke NO English and this was back in the Ellis Island days so there were no internet systems to help contact people, nor cell phones or anything like what we have nowadays. But she put her kids on that boat and she came across an entire ocean. (This was a woman who, I believe, had never traveled more than a few miles from her village in her entire life.) She got on that boat and she came to America and she tracked that man down by asking people if they had seen him/heard of him/anything. And (this woman is awesome in my book), she FOUND him. And she told him just what I’ve been saying all along. “We are family. We are sticking together!” And they did. Till they both died at an old age.
I know it’s not easy. I am trying to figure out what is easy that is worth fighting for. And the family of those precious 5 little kids IS worth fighting for!
Mattie, I appreciate your compassion, but please realize that she had as much time (actually a month less) to consider moving into her parent’s basement apartment as she had to move to Scotland. Time wasn’t a factor. Your family is falling apart. There is a big crisis. Knee jerk reaction, I would hope in any family, is, “we go together.”
5years said this, above, and I thought it was so good that I wanted to repost it:
Yes, definitely – I agree with 5years that Megan is to be commended for allowing her story to be told here. (She also posted it first on her own blog.) While I take exception to her characterization of Kerrin’s story as “rumors circulating,” I think it’s a huge step for her to even acknowledge that this site exists.
As to the rest of what 5years posted, bravo!
I’m sorry, financial security!?!
I know that Tommy H*ll has to spend countless hours scouring over detailed demographics to qualify the financial viability of a location for a potential SGM plant, but financial security is just as temporary as anything else that is part of this fallen world. Yes, loosing your $650,000 “dream house” as M put it her blog sucks, but that line reeks IMO.
Here – [link removed]
Sale price of $325,000 and no takers. 85 days on the market, that’s just the realities of the real estate bubble.
Stunned, I agree with you that a family’s default should be to stay together, that a wife needs to be supportive and involved.
But it’s pretty obvious that Kerrin had chosen (rightly or not) to shut her out of his heart and his emotional state. She couldn’t know what he wouldn’t tell her – it sounds like she didn’t know he was struggling at work until he quit. She wasn’t allowed to be supportive or involved, no matter how much she wanted to be. You can’t overlook the fact that their marriage had shut down on communication well before significant changes in life status happened.
And really, Scotland is not the same thing as her parents basement. You have to be kidding me if you think that a move to another country is not a big deal. People do crazy things for love, and I believe Megan would have followed him if their emotional intimacy had been preserved and time had been given to make a decision together. But she was forced out of her home and forced to go live with her parents, and that’s so very, very different from a united effort to go somewhere as a stable and healthy family.
NLR –
Her story would suggest an absence of SGM involvement. Her e-mails, Bob and Julies e-mails, and other documents that are subject to Subpeona (accessible to the courts), tell a different tale of SGM involvement.
“think”,
You and I both know the “rent statement” by Megan was an attempt (by someone) to elicit more pity, etc.
Bob Kauflin *WOULD NOT* charge his “abandoned” daughter and 5 little grandchildren rent. :roll:
I have a developing view that much of what is wrong with SGM is based on uniformity of thought within the pastor and elder ranks. In fact, I think SGM would see that as a positive.
I am starting to believe that it is significant that neither CJ nor Josh have a formal education in the sense of a broad course of college study, and an extensive seminary training in languages, theology and history. My understanding is that all SGM pastors must attend the pastors college, even if they have already attended seminary. That seems to me to work in effect to weed out those who disagree and encourage memorization of the SGM curriculum.
For the purposes of contrast, I’m including a quote below from the Westminster Theological Seminary (please note the emphasis on the resurrection in the third paragraph) (http://www.wts.edu/stayinformed/view.html?id=931):
Do I Have to Agree With Everything the School Teaches?
FEBRUARY 17, 2011
One of the questions we get asked in the Admissions office is, “Do I need to agree with everything that Westminster and its professors teach in order to be a good student?” This really is a great question, partially because of the other related questions that spring from it such as, “Will I be exposed to other beliefs beside the ones that the school believes?” It’s also a great question because it assumes that broad exposure to the diverse views that one will face in ministry is crucial in preparing future ministers to face our diverse world.
What professors are looking for is not simply a classroom of students who are able to parrot back the words and beliefs of what was professed. That would be just memorization and recitation. Memorization may happen from time to time (especially in learning the languages!), but what professors are primarily looking for is whether you as a student have understood and engaged the material and wrestled with the implications that the teaching has for your ministry and your ministerial formation. You may not fully agree with Dr. Trueman’s approach to understanding the early church martyrs in his “Ancient Church” course, but if you have engaged the historical background, looked again at how the church used their stories in the first few centuries, and understood that there may be something more going on there than sacrificial piety, you will have learned and grown, which can only help you relate those historical backgrounds to similar situations in the world today. It sharpens you as a student and helps shape you as a Christian.
Westminster is a Reformed seminary. What we mean by “Reformed” contains much more depth and much more breadth than a bare predestinarianism or a re-emphasizing of the “solas” and the “five points” of Calvinism. The teaching and tradition is even deeper, wider, and richer than being “gospel-centered”, although it is at least that. It is Christ-centered not only because of His life and his death on the cross, but also because of how crucial the resurrection is to the Christian faith, as Paul expounds that truth in 1 Corinthians 15. But it is never the case that every student who sits in a class at Westminster will agree wholesale with every sentence that every professor says, writes, or assigns. We do, however, provide a holistic curriculum that is theologically unified without being narrowly uniform, and that unity will be the subject of the next post.
Mattie,
I agree with you that a communication shutdown is a terrible thing, a terrible obstacle to overcome.
But isn’t trust a foundational requirement for effective communication? If there were a breach of trust, is it reasonable to demand that one party keep sharing his thoughts with the other party, who would then keep involving her parents?
We all know that SGM has some reason for allowing Megan’s story to be shared here. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t be reading it.
Mattie Chatham – “if their emotional intimacy had been preserved”
This requires trust, I am not saying that Kerrin’s actions were the best for family unity, but Megans excessive sharing of personal and private details to the CLC Pastors, was a big inhibitor against keeping any meaningful lines of communication open.
SGM should have washed their hands of the both of them. Place Megan in a Non SGM church that will fight for her marriage, as SGM has become the primary divisive issue and scapegoat, so that the two have a chance to get back onto building trust.
It’s not caring for a marriage when brand loyalty is allowed to martyr a marriage.
I know many Churches that would rather loose a couple where a marriage can be preserved, than have a divorce on their hands for the sake of their brand of church.
Kris, did not see your #46 before I posted. Suffice to say that I agree.
Mattie–
That’s true and I’d understand if Meghan felt that way, why she would not go with him. Moving internationally is a huge deal. But I also think that Kris has a great question below. And that’s why I think that both people here have equally contributed to the situation–let alone what others (parents, church, pastors) have done. I just think that it would have been easier to reconcile and both having time to work through these issues if others had been kept out of the intimate parts of their struggle.
I think Rose said earlier that it’s normal to talk with parents or someone close to you when your marriage is in trouble. She is right. But we all know that comes with boundaries and limitations–and it appears that Megan has no idea what those normal and healthier boundaries would be.
It’s like Meghan can’t expect honest communication when she has proven herself untrustworthy. And Kerrin can’t expect her to go with him and trust him if he’s not communicating. Stalemate!