Many years ago, back in the 1970s, one-hit wonder Debby Boone had a hit song called You Light Up My Life that spent a then-record ten weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. She went on to win the Grammy for Best New Artist. Recently, she’s been making the rounds of infomercials as spokesperson for something called a “Lifestyle Lift.”
What does this have to do with Sovereign Grace Ministries, you ask?
Well, years after You Light Up My Life was no longer on the Billboard charts, I can remember sitting through junior high meetings (at my non-SGM Reformed/Evangelical church) where our youth pastor hammered away at the bad, unbiblical philosophy contained in one of the lines of the lyrics of that song. The line?
It can’t be wrong if it feels so right
Yes, even in an otherwise innocuous song from the daughter of squeaky-clean 1950s teen idol and well-known Christian television personality Pat Boone lurked the godless, hedonistic philosophy of our modern times. We kids were taught – rightly, I would still say – that the Bible teaches the opposite truth: that often, what’s easy and feels good is not right, while what requires self-denial and is challenging is actually God’s best for us.
And here’s how this relates to Sovereign Grace Ministries…
Lately I’ve been thinking about what it is that for such a long time made SGM’s culture so dysfunctional. I mean, most of us would probably agree that on paper, at least, SGM’s stated doctrinal beliefs are biblically sound. What the organization says its churches stand for does not appear to be the cause of the abuses recounted in the recent lawsuit filings against the ministry and several of its key leaders.
So what is the problem?
Well, I think it comes down to the way the leaders took certain essentially correct doctrines about sin to extremes. In addition to the twisted thinking behind the “worst sinner I know” stuff, there’s another element at work: the idea that is the exact opposite of the line from the Debby Boone song, the idea that if something feels right or natural, then it simply must be wrong.
I posted the following as a comment today, when the discussion touched upon how SGM always seemed to make marriage so much work:
From what I’ve gathered since leaving SGM and interacting with others here is that there was a sort of upside-down belief about a lot of things having to do with the human experience, which was that we should embrace the difficult and the uncomfortable, as those feelings probably indicated that we were pushing ourselves and overcoming our sinful inclinations. If something felt easy and fun and came naturally, it was likely tainted with sin and not forcing us to grow and become more holy.
You can see this principle at work in the way a lot of SGM churches handled their small groups. Especially at CLC, the former flagship church, care groups were assigned and subject to random changes. If you felt awkward with your assigned group and went to your pastor to request a different group, you’d likely be given an outright “no” or else urged to stick it out in your awkward group, as the fact that you were looking for social comfort was a sign that your priorities were all messed up and you were in sin. The assumption was that if it felt like more work and involved trying harder and having to set aside your real feelings, it was more spiritual.
The same held true for the way young people were taught to view romance. Feeling a spontaneous attraction to someone was a really low priority in the spouse-finding process. The “mature” Christian was supposed to look at a dozen other qualifications first, things like whether or not the person was godly, and whether or not the person met with parental and pastoral approval. If everything else lined up but the gut-level attraction was not there, that wasn’t supposed to matter. This was the whole premise behind Josh Harris’ book Boy Meets Girl, wherein he shared several real couples’ stories of how they met and married. (One such story was that of Megan and Kerrin, which included lengthy excerpts from Megan’s journals, excerpts in which she baldly states that she initially did not feel any interest in Kerrin, but after discussing him with friends — “getting godly counsel” — she changed her mind and decided to give things a go.)
The idea was always that when it came to the human experience, what did not come naturally or feel easy was likely more spiritual. You might feel an inclination toward helping with the worship ministry, but that was just a sign that you needed to stifle that urge and instead serve in the children’s ministry. Or…you might feel an inclination to call the cops and report your child’s molestation, but that was just a sign that you needed to instead forgive the perpetrator.
Within SGM, marriage, like everything else, was viewed as just another vehicle for becoming more spiritual, and the more you had to work at it, the more spiritual you were.
What do you think? Those of you who are or used to be members of SGM churches, was that your experience? Did the, “If it feels difficult, it must be right” thinking affect you?
February 26th, 2013 at 11:44 am
I thought Grace’s comment on the last thread was sad but true:
It was like SGM was looking for and assuming there would be marital problems. If you didn’t have them you were lying or in denial.
February 26th, 2013 at 12:03 pm
I was in a very difficult marriage by the time I entered through the doors of FCC in 1997. My ex was a serial adulterer,an emotional abuser, etc etc etc. I had been married about 12 years at that point.
I can honestly say that some of the teachings at FCC really helped me as far as God’s Sovereignty and Goodness went. I was really able to apply those to my heart and have faith that God was going to get me through.
But yet that teaching of “I am the worse sinner I know” definitely affected me big time. My ex would do something ridiculously wrong and I’d be sitting there thinking “well, I am a sinner too so I have to forgive him and not be angry” I definitely got the vibe from the leaders that I had to stay in this awful marriage for the glory of God and my suffering would be a good testimony to others in the church.
When I moved away and finally had to leave my ex, I went to see a Christian counselor for a bit. The counselor seemed almost astounded at my attitude that I couldn’t be angry at my ex or it would be sin for me. The counselor said I had been sinned against in a huge way over and over again, and anger was a natural emotion and okay to feel.
February 26th, 2013 at 12:28 pm
Its a version of “bearing your cross for the kingdom”. But so terribly twisted. Check out this great article from Dr. Steve Crosby http://swordofthekingdom.com/2013/02/26/looking-for-family-finding-what/
February 26th, 2013 at 12:48 pm
Some of the comments on the post before this really struck a nerve with me, specifically those relating to being called by God to do something. At my SGM church, if I mention that I’m thinking about making a decision, the first question I am asked is, “Well who have you talked to about this?”. If I answer, “I prayed about it” I get something like, “well we believe that we your fellow believers are the primary means of God’s grace in each others lives”. There is no allowance for direction by the Holy Spirit of a “regular” person in SGM.
February 26th, 2013 at 12:58 pm
“Lord, lead me to discover people in whose hearts my life is safe.” wrote Steve Crosby.
James, you should be able to hear and discern the Lord as He speaks to you. You do not need any man to mediate for you. I know that many counselors provide a diversity of opinions but you really don’t need them unless you want someone’s advice or opinion. You are prefectly capable of hearing the Lord for yourself. Your first mistake is to mention anything to someone who doesn’t hold your heart safely in his hands.If you don’t have a close mutual relationship with a person forget it. Tell the Lord and leave it with Him.
February 26th, 2013 at 1:04 pm
Is there so much dysfunction in SGM relationships because
1. Dysfunctional people are drawn to SGM
2. The doctrine/practice causes dysfunction
3. Both?
(I swear I see more and more similarities between SGM and the Watchtower every day.)
February 26th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Lee said,
I think that’s what’s so difficult about these teachings -- they actually aren’t necessarily wrong, when applied in a balanced way, in situations where the problems aren’t huge. They can promote spiritual growth…they can offer a biblical perspective when not emphasized in an unhealthy fashion.
Especially in today’s loosey-goosey “anything goes” church culture, the seemingly harsher truths contained in the doctrines of suffering can feel bracing, can be invigorating to the believer’s walk with God.
The operative word, though, is can. These teachings can be helpful, but they can also become weapons used to bludgeon and burden people.
February 26th, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Looks like the “clean” copy of the SGM polity is out on Plant and Build. Read through the into, it looks like Nancy Pelosi has written, and basically says You must pass it to find out what’s in it. Welcome to Obama-Soul-Care, SG sytle. (My apologies to President Obama for the comparison, or use of his name in relation to SGM.) Two year money back guarantee to love it, so sign up before May 1. You can read it later!!
February 26th, 2013 at 1:17 pm
“The idea was always that when it came to the human experience, what did not come naturally or feel easy was likely more spiritual. You might feel an inclination toward helping with the worship ministry, but that was just a sign that you needed to stifle that urge and instead serve in the children’s ministry. Or…you might feel an inclination to call the cops and report your child’s molestation, but that was just a sign that you needed to instead forgive the perpetrator.”
^^^ That! I often thought that pleasurable care group assignments were given to the favored and those who weren’t favored were placed in the difficult groups. If you were one of the untainted beautiful ones, you had favor. Also, the torture of never seeking to minimize pain.
Once again, SOOOOOOO happy to be out!
February 26th, 2013 at 1:58 pm
Diego -- spot on!! I started reading it ( I read the marked up copy) and it drove me bonkers so I stopped. I have no idea why anyone would agree to sign a membership agreement or “declaration of intent” based on this document.
February 26th, 2013 at 2:02 pm
Oh, the care group assignments! Wow I could not relate at all to one of my assigned care groups. I was single and in my 30′s and assigned to a singles groups with kids in their the late teens and early 20′s. No changes, just had to stick it out. Not much in common with those kids, mostly raised in the ‘system’. The girls all stayed at home with mom and dad and younger siblings. No college or anything in their loves but church. I was working full time, college educated, owned my home (well paying on it)…way different worlds.
But no care to the leaders--that was my assigned group! Eventually a leader I babysat for (I think) intervened as I was assigned to a different group without any explanation, but ‘this is your new group’.
February 26th, 2013 at 2:03 pm
I have recently wondered if you could attend a caregroup or couples group or men/ladies meeting & simply say “I am doing well, enjoying the goodness of God, loving Jesus more” and truly mean it. it seems there is so much focus on introspection you surely must be struggling with something to be a “mature” christian. Yet, will we ever exhaust the findings of our sinful heart? no, I think not. How about instead, focusing and emphasizing His never ending goodness & mercy. What fruit would be born if that were the focus? Jesus is a friend of sinners. SGM would do well to model after him in their pursuit (full on attack mode) of sin. Sometimes, you truly are doing well & it should be encouraging to say so.
February 26th, 2013 at 2:06 pm
This “worst sinner I know stuff” bugs me too. It’s just a veiled form of pride anyway. Read “Three Free Sins” by Steve Brown. Excellent resource that says we need to stop navel gazing and worrying all the time about doing better at everything. Live your life free of constantly fighting sin, when you do sin, ask forgiveness and move on. That’s a terrible synopsis, just read the book.
February 26th, 2013 at 2:30 pm
Question: How are you doing?
Answer: Better than I deserve!