From the website Provender…
Signs you may be covering for a pastor who abuses the flock spiritually:
- You’ve noticed a pattern of people leaving the fellowship, but don’t ask your pastor about it and don’t delve into the reasons behind the exits.
- You’ve seen your pastor act in retribution for slights or criticism by removing people from ministries, publicly or privately shaming them or refusing to listen to them.
- You excuse your pastor’s wrong behavior: he’s young, he doesn’t understand the people who are unhappy, he has a little trouble relating to people, he’ll grow out of it, I’m probably not seeing the whole picture, God will show him his weaknesses and he’ll handle things better soon.
- You find yourself blaming victims. You justify harsh behavior by your pastor by focusing on the sins of those who are shamed or shunned or criticized or punished.
- You feel that to protect the name of Christ in your community you need to keep secret the alarming behavior by your pastor or leaders in the church.
- You feel it’s your duty to think the best of your pastor, no matter what charges are brought against him, but you don’t extend the same courtesy to those who feel they’ve been abused or harmed.
- You feel it’s okay for your pastor to build up your church by cutting down other churches with “inferior” doctrines or practices, but it’s not okay for anyone to question decisions by church leaders if it looks like criticism.
- You enjoy being flattered by your pastor and seek to please him often. You spend a lot of time in church flattering and being flattered.
- You fear being criticized by your pastor or having your special ministry taken away.
- You’ve seen your pastor flatter those he can use and then later turn on them.
- You would feel uncomfortable asking to see financial records of the church, and you just assume that they are being used in a godly manner.
- You feel constantly pressured to help more in church or to give more, or both.
- Going to church often seems like a burden, but you don’t want anyone to know you feel that way.
- You have criticized other churches or individuals with your pastor.
- You like the feeling of being in the “inner circle,” and you feel you have the pastor’s confidence.
- You feel superior to Christians who don’t witness as much as you, or who don’t practice their faith as well as you, or who don’t emphasize certain doctrines like you do.
- You feel that no one quite understands the scriptures, delivers sermons or reaches out to the weak and poor like your pastor does.
- You spend much time defending your pastor, either in your own mind or to others.
- You don’t like to admit it, but you often spend more time thinking (whether positively, negatively or both) about your pastor or leaders than you do about God.
- You are exhausted.
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Thoughts, people?
November 13th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Peasant,
I guess we’ll just say we misunderstood each other.
Still, I don’t think the number of people who have commented here (both present-day AND in the past) is “relatively small, any way you slice it.” I mean, is there another
denominationfamily of churches out there that is as new (with an organizational history that goes back only a couple of decades) and as small (around 70 congregations, most of those NOT being “megachurches”) that has blogs devoted to it?I know there are “survivors” from churches of every stripe and sites online to accommodate them, but it sure seems to me like SGM has a rather striking number of former members who have proven willing to share detailed stories of systematic and methodical control, heavy-handedness, and – at least sometimes – abuse, both here and on the other blogs.
I’d be curious if anyone can think of a parallel situation (one that is TRULY parallel, in terms of history and size).
November 13th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
And oh yeah, I should add, a parallel situation where the organization in question didn’t actually become better known for its dysfunction than for its orthodoxy.
November 14th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Hey P.P.,
“I was defending the existence and purpose of this site against SGM-defender Chuck.”
I commend your passion to protect those who have been hurt, I want that too, but I also hope to tread carefully, remembering that for many, many years I was the SG defender, and mass promoter. They’re my brothers and sisters in Christ too, whom I love, even when I think they’re off-base. I know it gets old and often we all probably just want to show ‘em the door; but “love” hopes they will stay around and find answers to those questions that they’ve not been allowed to ask. God used this site and refuge to open my eyes, I was undone here. He IS able to break down walls that we can’t imagine could be broken,and open eyes that were blind. Blessings
November 14th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Very well said, Hope.
November 14th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Yeah… can’t really think of any good comparison for that one Kris….
November 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Just thinking about all this stuff, it seems to me that the best response of an SGM fan to this site and Refuge would be twofold:
1. Realizing, like I was (awkwardly) trying to say before, that they can trust God and not get so fired up about defending SGM against what people write here. SGM doesn’t really need their random church members to fight these kind of battles for them by attempting to change people’s minds who are just here looking for support. If SGM leaders really wanted to go that route they would have posted here loooong ago.
2. Just humbly accept the reproof and correction that comes from hearing about these mistakes and seeking to change. As Jim has said on Refuge, the existence of these sites has already been used by God to help defend the members of SGM churches. Josh Harris actually preached a really good message on Prov. 9 where he talked about how “Lady Wisdom’s food and drink” is correction and reproof and humbly accepting those things leads to wisdom. If SGM people humbly accept and learn from the reproof offered here, it will help everyone. It’s helped me, that’s for sure.
November 14th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Peasant Princess,
I used to agree with exactly what you just said. I mean, I used to think that all SGM needs to do is simply heed what people have said and make changes where necessary.
But something I realized somewhere along the way here is that there’s got to be more to it than that, and the fervor of many SGM defenders is a sort of symptom of why SGM has had problems with control and abuse in the first place.
I think there’s this basic flaw – almost a fatal flaw – buried deep within SGM’s culture. And that is the need to maintain the illusion of a couple of things:
1. “Apostolic” authority – leaders have a more direct connection to God than the average member. Consequently, SGM leaders cannot ever actually have been wrong about a teaching, a leadership decision, or a direction in which they’ve taken the organization. If they expressly and openly acknowledge their errors, they fear that they will lose some of their “authority” in the eyes of the people, who then will no longer be so prone to look to them for direction.
2. The subsequent perfection of SGM. Yes, I know – the classic refrain is always, “No church is perfect!” But here’s what I’ve noticed: all the diehard SGMers I’ve dealt with have NEVER actually acknowledged anything REALLY SPECIFIC that they believe to be wrong or need changing within SGM. It’s like they have a total blind spot to specific criticisms. If there’s something really obvious that they cannot deny, then they will jump to the blanket statement of, “We’re all sinners! Of course my leaders will make mistakes because they’re sinners!”
Of course this sort of “generic sin-speak” is ultimately meaningless, because it does nothing to address any real problems and instead simply serves to shut down further discussion. I mean, once someone plays the “We’re All Sinners” card, the game’s over, right?
So, there’s something deep within SGM’s culture that compels the true-believin’ member to jump in to the discussion and defend even the indefensible. This attitude has been taught to them by their leaders, of course. They’ve been taught, often subtly though sometimes overtly, that ANY open discussion of their church’s or their leaders’ flaws is “gossip” or “slander.” Instead, all their mental energy is directed toward maintaining their belief that SGM is the best church for them, is the best approach to Christianity, is the way to really “get the Christian life right.”
SGM leaders have never before openly addressed or openly explained any major change in direction. They’ve never (to the best of my knowledge) actively sought input from members about past errors or mistakes. To do so would go totally against the grain of SGM’s culture and would jeopardize the illusion that when you sign on with SGM, you sign on for something just a cut above all other churches…where the leaders until just recently were considered “apostles”…where leaders “watch over your souls” 24/7…where you’ll be called upon to work hard and “root out” your sin…
Jeopardize the illusions, and the whole thing will come crashing down.
November 14th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
“Jeopardize the illusions, and the whole thing will come crashing down.”
So true, Kris. And it IS buried deep within SGM’s culture. Very insightful comment! And sobering.
November 14th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Yeah, I came to realize a while back that there’s absolutely no way to persuade a devoted SGM’er that his SG church could possibly be in the wrong about ANYTHING. And as you say, if it’s something they can’t deny they will simply pull the “we’re all sinners” bit.
For them to ever see (for the scales to fall off) it truly has to be a “God thing.” All I can do (and feel called to do) is share and trust God to do the rest.
I’ll keep sharing on the blogs, and with the folks God brings across my path individually until He says stop.
I really feel we’re just getting started. I’m afraid it’s going to take a LONG time.
(We’re coming up on our 2-year birthday.)
November 14th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Kris — you wrote “… where the leaders until just recently were considered “apostles”…
Has this been changed?