[Kris says: I found the following list on a site called Provender.]
Red Flags
No one ever wakes up one day and says, “Hey, you know? I think I’ll shame and abuse the flock today,” or “I think I’ll become a cult leader.” Instead, gradual changes take place, usually involving the lure of power that slowly takes hold.
If you study spiritual abuse, you can get a feel for how this happens: despite differing manifestations of abuse in churches, there are common denominators. Several sources cited on this site point out the following traits and show just how it is a church can move from a healthy body to a dangerous one.
1. Elitism: We’re more special
One common finding in cults and spiritually abusive groups is something called “elitism.” It’s a feeling that your vision for the church is superior to that of others. Though all churches, and most leaders, feel that they are on the right path, that their doctrines or practices are what God wants, that alone isn’t elitism. Elitism happens when you look at other churches or individuals and believe that your vision or your practices are among the very few that really please God. It is comparative. It is a superiority complex. This initial pride and puffing up – that can begin so very subtly — ends up justifying any abusive behavior that follows.
2. Information control: Don’t trust the members
Another common denominator in cults and abusive groups is something called milieu control. It is an attempt to control information available to members. This may start out as an innocent desire not to have heretical teachings invade the body. But this control becomes deadly in abusive groups. Before long, only those things approved by church leaders, and only material that portrays the church or leaders in a good light are allowed. Information is censored. Everything must go through the hands or control of the leader to make sure it is “appropriate,” “healthy” or “not divisive.” This can lead to tight control of information and eventually isolation from society at large, as certain information is deemed unholy or worldly and forbidden from members’ hands.
Anything the leadership wants you to believe is allowed and anything harmful to the image of the church, no matter how accurate or useful, is kept from members. In some cults, only certain translations of the Bible are allowed. In others, only “correct” interpretations of scripture are tolerated. In some groups any information not originating from the headquarters is deemed unsafe. How does this start? How does this control over others’ lives and minds begin?
With a desire to control – perhaps at first a healthy desire to keep doctrine pure – that gets out of hand. Sometimes it begins as a shortcut to keep hassles from members to a minimum. Innocent beginnings, but they can lead to tragic endings.
3. Image, image, image
Milieu Control is strongly related to another red flag: Image Consciousness. Abusive churches are concerned about image. Sometimes, image is everything. This church has a vision superior to other churches. To preserve that lofty status, anything negative must be quashed immediately, even if it is true. If a leader is caught in sin, the sin is quickly swept under the rug. If many members have left, no one is allowed to talk about it. The church “represents Christ to the community” and you can’t let the public know that the church has a problem or people will think Christ does. This is COMMON practice in abusive churches and is close to idolatry, equating the church, or church leaders, to Christ himself.
4. Shame, flattery and manipulation
Image Consciousness, in many abusive churches, leads to harsh treatment and manipulation of members. To keep negative information from leaking out of the body, members are sometimes shamed or spoken against — sometimes from the pulpit. Ministries are whisked away from those who begin to ask questions, and ministries are used as rewards to “loyal” members who know how to keep quiet about the misdeeds of leaders, or who prove useful through slavish work or flattery of leaders. And in abusive groups, flattery goes both ways. Leaders know how to flatter and how to shame to keep the image of the church polished and gleaming.
5. Authoritarianism: I’m in control; you shut up
Another red flag is authoritarianism, the concentration of power in the hands of a few or sometimes even one person. That power can start out used well. The maxim “power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely” is especially true in churches. It corrupts leaders in different ways.
6. Two kinds of corruption
Some are lured by the financial aspects of power and begin to lavish on themselves gifts and luxuries. How does this happen? Possibly, these once godly leaders have sacrificed much over the course of their lives while watching other Christians live luxuriant lives. When the church begins to do well, they see this as a sign that it’s “their turn now,” that they deserve some blessings because they have served so long and so hard for very little. Soon, that feeling of dessert takes over and they feel entitled to more and more. Eventually some may even feel they deserve other men’s wives or multiple wives.
More dangerous, though, than leaders who fall to hedonistic ways are those who believe that because their vision for the church is direct from God that God’s mind and their mind are becoming fused. They soon begin to see their own actions as God’s. Anyone who opposes them is opposing God. When this happens, watch out. They won’t phrase it that way. They may not even realize what they are doing. They feel they have a special place as God’s best spokesperson. Because they are so special, they will steamroll over anyone in their way. Because they are anointed, they soon feel they have a role in rooting out imperfections among lesser Christians.
7. Excellence, or legalism?
These leaders can become more than just haughty; they can become harsh and demanding. They look down on others around them and puff themselves up, all the while stressing the need for humility. They begin to practice a perfectionism that kills. It won’t be called perfectionism. It might be called “striving for excellence” or “pursuing a holy life” or “giving God His due.” It becomes legalism and it drains the life out of individuals and churches, as members try harder and harder to meet standards that become out-of-reach. While members are whipping themselves for failing to perform, the preaching will be on grace. While members are burdened and shackled to legalistic aims, the sermons will be on freedom. But members are not feeling free or forgiven. They are loaded down with guilt and work and feelings of failure.
8. Calling concern “divisiveness”
Another red flag is a false call to unity. When authoritarian pastors want to quell dissention, they label even legitimate questions “divisive.” You are interfering with the unity of the brethren if you raise issues of concern. This tactic ensures a lockstep, zombie-like following and cements the cult leader or abusive pastor into his place at the top. Who wants to be divisive? Who wants to cause trouble? Who wants to be spreading heresy or harboring a critical spirit or injecting division? (These are common phrases used against those expressing concerns about abusive leadership and serve as giant, fluttering red flags.) Most humble, sincere Christians concerned about wayward leadership will be cowed by such tactics. The abuses of the leader will continue unchecked.
9. When people slink out
The final red flag in this short overview is the telltale indication of trouble signaled by people leaving a congregation. If spiritual abuse is taking place, you might not catch on right away. People in manipulative groups will have been warned – subtly or otherwise – not to talk about church problems. They will be called weak or gossipers or immature if they mention why someone left. Those who leave also may suffer residual effects of controlling mechanisms in the church and say little about why they left.
If you notice an exodus of people from a congregation, it’s a sign to dig further and check for other signs of spiritual abuse.
These are just some of the roots of spiritual sickness to watch for in your congregation, but they seem the most common.
I'm verwy verwy sad, RT. We can start our own crew, how bout it? 
(and I can be stone cold...hehehe) 
December 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
oh yeah, in regards to the tattling question…yes i had it happen and it was awful and i felt betrayed. my cg leader’s assistant is and was my best friend and it was awful when i realized she had told my pastor intimate info about me and i didn’t know. but, once we talked and i asked her to please tell me before she told them anything else about me she agreed and we have had the same intimacy as before.
i didn’t know it was a policy, and yes that is something i would make a lot more public to the members of the church.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
SueBee, I would love to hear from you as per your comment on the previous post. Did Kris pass my e-mail to you?
December 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I’m just a tad curious (and a bit nervous as this is my first post)
I’m sorry if this post seems brash and trite in the midst of this conversation. Apologies for any perceived feelings of disregard, but I just had a quick question for kris and guy; where does the proceeds for all of the ‘Survivor Goods’ go? Sorry, i don’t mean to be rude or intrusive I’m just curious. Also, I think this site is very interesting. I’ve been reading up on it lately and it has sparked my interest. Thank you for your time!
December 1st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Benny –
The proceeds (all $17.00 of it from beginning to present) go directly to pay for the site (hosting, etc). Trust me…it’s only to defray a small part of the cost. Nobody’s making money off of the site, but whatever can be done to offset some of the cost is appreciated. FYI, Kris was (and is) against any “commercialization” of the site, but, since I have knowledge of the inner workings, I chose to veto her. I’m cool like that
Guy
December 1st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Oh okay, thank you! That was a very honest detailed answer lol. Sorry if that seemed suspicious. I just generally ask questions when I want to know something.
December 1st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
[I apologize in advance for the way this comment is out of sequence. I'd had it written and ready to post this morning and got interrupted. It was in response to Nickname's comment #46.]
Nickname,
I see what you’re saying. I suppose for some people, people of a certain inclination, spiritualizing the practical details of their daily lives can make those details more meaningful…can help them get motivated to change bad habits or something.
This is such a confusing thing, though, because especially in a culture like SGM’s – where pastors believe that part of their role is to be examples that their people can imitate – I think there can be so many pitfalls when teachings contain examples like the junk drawer. I can imagine that there’s a lot of peer pressure for pastors (and, more importantly, their wives/families) to be all shipshape and tidy. I’ve heard from more than one individual, actually, that such a “together” image is sort of a qualification for being considered for official ministry within SGM.
December 1st, 2009 at 8:11 pm
In light of our discussion about junk drawers and stuff, I thought it’d be interesting to talk about this particular point from the “Red Flags” list above:
I’m fascinated by how most SGMers at some point have believed that their church is “all about grace.” Talk of God’s grace IS sprinkled liberally throughout SGM’s teachings. And yet, a lot of times, it seems like when “grace” is discussed, the focus is invariably on how rotten and sinful we humans are…how somehow, even despite our wormishness, God made a way for us to find acceptance in His sight…but we’re wretched sinners nonetheless. Which inevitably leads – in some fashion – to, “Here’s how we can tackle this or that sin and attract more of God’s grace.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I feel like SGM’s grace talk is first of all too focused on us and our sinfulness, rather than on God and His unending mercies. And then secondly, using the “worst sinner” babble to somehow motivate us to do better is actually the antithesis of true grace.
If grace involves something that WE must contribute to the equation, than it’s not grace at all…right?
I wrote this morning that I was thinking of how stressful it must be to be a Christian in an SGM church. Now I’m thinking it must be gut-wrenchingly confusing, too, because words like “grace” get all tangled up in certain specific ways of BEING and DOING.
It’s also interesting how there is so much talk of humility, and yet some of the pastors, at least, say things in their
sermonsteachings that sound (to an outsider) terribly self-important and puffed up. Also, the way that folks have shared that pastors will give big long flowery introductions to visiting SGM higher-ups is NOT about true humility – or else the visiting higher-ups would issue an edict declaring that they do NOT want those sorts of introductions ever again.The fact that the higher-ups don’t do anything meaningful to put a stop to the ultra-flattering and adoring intros demonstrates a serious LACK of humility…even as they are being lauded for how humble they are.
December 1st, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I think that Kris you hit upon something with the we’re still sinners bit, because in SGM Music (written by SGM not other praise music done at SGM churches) says this all the time. It actually is a distraction it is spoken so much. It’s almost like a self-pity party. Woah is me I’m so terrible attitude. It doesn’t look very humble, at least in my opinion.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 am
Kris so with you on the ‘all about grace’ bit being used as a front for let’s discuss how evil were are (which we are) and not focus on the grace God has extended to us (which He has).
I found that when I focused more on the “put on’s” rather than the “put off’s” in my spiritual walk, my ability to overcome sin increases ten fold. A simple perspective change can make a world of difference in our lives!!!!
I think many Christians are living a ‘self-pity party’ and not allowing themselves to experience the grace and victory in Christ. It’s just more evident in SGM-ville because of obvious reasons.
For me by looking to the resurrection of Christ I’m given more hope in the fact He has defeated sin and it’s consequences and that is available to us!!! That is the Lord we serve and worship, by the GRACE of God!
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
*
*
*
Ahhh
SGM Grace, which differs from Gods grace, is one of my favorites.
Gods grace is the amazing gifts of life, creation, and the savior, which I do not deserve, nor will I ever truly appreciate until I am brought back into the eternal
presence of my Heavenly Father.
SGM Grace is the forced hyper awareness of one own wretchedness and unworthiness.
The notion that the Governor called just seconds before the execution, and the subsequent attempt to prolong that feeling of simultaneous condemnation and relief
as the life long perspective for ones relationship with the SGM Pastors as agents of the Governor.
Or in another phrase, “You deserved Auschwitz, but we are giving you Rikers. Be good or we will send you back”
Yes, lets spend this life rubbing our noses in the perverbial poo that we brought to the cross and sit there in it for the rest of our lives.
*
*
I need a bad dog icon, but this will do
*
*
“God’s people can never by any possibility be punished for their sins. God has punished them already in the person of Christ, Christ, their substitute, has endured the full penalty for all their guilt, and neither the justice nor the love of God can ever exact again that which Christ has paid. Punishment can never happen to a child of God in the judicial sense”.
C H Spurgeon – “Chastisement” – New Park Street Pulpit – delivered on Sabbath Morning, October 28, 1855
Yet SGM Grace loves to reflect on the punishment that never was….or that could be if you fall out of the flock. Now don’t you forget!
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 am
*
*
*
“I think many Christians are living a ’self-pity party’ and not allowing themselves to experience the grace and victory in Christ”
That is by SGM Pastoral design.
Personally…..
I love to start my workday by telling myself, my co-workers, and my boss what
a lousy wretched employee I am, how I am the worst manager in the kingdom of executives.
I thank my boss ever day for not firing me, and leave posters of my latest atrocities on my office wall.
It’s a humble existence, but one that I am sure my employer appreciates.
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
Kyle,
When we arrived at our SGM church, we were completely unfamiliar with SGM music. I think that, plus the fact that the hyper-Charismatic church we came from frequently sang songs of no depth whatsoever, made me appreciate the thought that went into the lyrics. At first all the sin talk woven throughout the songs was grimly refreshing.
But after awhile, I started feeling just sort of sad. It’s important for us to be reminded of what we were, and where we were, when we were redeemed. And it’s good to do this in song. But the far greater emphasis has got to be on God and His goodness, or (in my opinion) we just get distracted from the wonderful things He has for us to do.
And sometimes, the over-emphasis on the “wretched sinner” aspect felt almost mechanical, like some sort of mental exercise we had to go through…as though there’s an unspoken liturgy where week after week we first must go through and remember our sins and how bad we are, so that we can drum up appreciation for God.
Interestingly enough, though, when the Bible gives us glimpses of heaven and the saints and angels around the throne, those saints and angels are simply worshiping God. They’re not singing about themselves and their badness. Their focus is on God and His awesome holiness alone.
It’s almost like SGM has it backward. Rather than starting with our sinfulness, we need to start with God. If we get the faintest sense of God’s holiness and greatness and goodness and fearsomeness and love, we’re going to find ourselves saying, with Isaiah, “Woe is me, I am undone.”
More importantly, though, we need to end with God as well. Instead of harping on our sin, making the rounds once again of rehearsing where we came from and how we continue to fail, I’d rather focus on the Lamb of God seated on the throne, and celebrate the wonders of what He has done for us.
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 am
Wayfaring said,
Yep! Definitely!
I’ve shared this before, but to me, thinking of the Christian walk in terms of what we cannot do or should not do or of what we need to tighten up and fix is ultimately exhausting and discouraging. It reminds me of some of my unsuccessful attempts at dieting. If I approach staying in shape as primarily thinking about what I’m NOT going to eat, I will find myself thinking about those things – the potato chips, the hot berry pie with ice cream, the chocolate brownies, the perfect pizza – and even obsessing over them. And for some reason, the struggle to resist those things will seem just too overwhelming, and I’ll cave and bake a pie and deliberately sit down and eat too much of it.
But when I change my perspective and instead focus on the positive aspects of the task – the healthy foods I need to incorporate into my diet in order to have balance, and the process of exercising just a little bit more every day as I get into better shape – I’m not NEARLY as tempted by the pizza and the pie and the brownies. In fact, eventually, after I get some momentum going, I’m so focused on the good and the healthy that I actually lose a lot of my desire for the unhealthy. I will find that I can go weeks without even thinking of French fries, if I instead begin to enjoy the benefits of eating more vegetables.
That extends into my Christian life as well. Having the focus of “Lord, what do you want me to do today?” will keep me so busy that I tend to forget about the “sin that so easily entangles us.”
Interesting.
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
Unassimilated,
This –
is dismayingly accurate, when you think of CJ’s emotional declarations of, “I will never move on from the cross! Never!”
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
The subject of “flags” got me to thinking about something else that bugs me about SGM, and that is their habit of formulating “gospel-centered” and “biblical” positions on things and then putting their own personal stamp on them.
If you are in SGM, there’s nothing really special about obedience or walking by faith in areas where they have already claimed ownership. If you have a unique calling to stay at home with your children, that’s nothing special – you’re just following procedure. Are you a guy that has that special gift of leadership combined with a pastoral gifting who knows how to make a small group experience rewarding for all involved? Pfft. That’s nothing compared to the gifts of those in Leadership leadership.
SGM plants their flag in the middle of every marriage, every family, every relationship. They planted their flag in the middle of the Gospel and upon The Savior. The SGM flag flies high over The Cross and over The Local Church.
If there is a way to take an issue and formulate a position on it and pass it off as “biblical”, the SGM stamp gets placed on it and your conformity is credited to SGM’s account. In so doing, you become part of the Happiest Place and a real joy to pastor. Oh, and thank you for serving!
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:52 am
Claireon,
That’s a really astute observation.
I sort of think of it like those SGM cliches are almost trademarked. Like,
Oh wait. Starbucks actually does have a trademark.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Kris – hahaha lol!
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:38 am
On the topic of constant sin-talk and authoritarian teaching, here is a possible scenario.
Suppose there is a young lady who loves the Lord and has been faithful and fruitful in a ministry which makes a real impact on those around her. This lady has a husband who allows her to do this, but doesn’t really value it because it is not benefitting him directly. He latches on to the sin-talk and authority emphasis at SGM and constantly ridicules her shortcomings as a wife and homemaker. He accuses her of sinful pride because he thinks she is trying to draw attention to herself through other people’s approval of her ministry. Emotional intimacy in the marriage wanes under the negativity in the home even as she is trying to keep her joy. Then the lady meets another man who seems to truly appreciate her personality and spiritual gifts. She is instantly drawn to that to the point that this becomes a strong craving. She doesn’t want to be guilty of emotional adultery, so in keeping with SGM protocol she confesses this temptation to her husband, in the hopes that this will also make him more sensitive to her vulnerability as a wife. Instead, this brings on more accusation and judgment over a long period of time. She keeps trying to hack this “horrible” sin out of her thought life (which is as far as it ever goes), all the while being reminded at church how sinful and self-deceived Christians are. She doesn’t experience complete victory, just more temptation and condemnation as she plods along trying to her best to be faithful in her thoughts.
But God! At some point in time, the young lady starts realizing what is going on with the sin-focus, and begins to study Scriptures and other Christian books on grace and her precious worth in Christ. She stops looking to her husband and church leaders for approval. She has healthy conversations with friends outside of her church who assure her that she is normal and loved. She continues her ministry with a totally new compassion for those who are hurting. She now has the confidence to speak up for herself and stop being a wormy doormat, no matter what her husband or church leaders say. Then she realizes that her thoughts are no longer stuck on the other man. She rejoices in her true freedom in Christ.
Focusing on the sin leads to more of it. Focusing on grace leads to more of it. What’s your choice?
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
It takes me back to the place I choose to live.
Jesus said with His own mouth “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.”
I firmly believe, as many here have discussed already, if we focus on our sin, we are distracted from what Jesus Himself said we are to do.
I used to have arguments/discussions with people in SGM, (and even the pastor) about this, and they would ask me if I were aware that I was sinning. I would quickly grab my wrist to check my pulse and after a brief look of concentration as though I were looking for my pulse, I would put on an exaggerated look of excitement and proclaim “Yes! I’m still sinning! Praise GOD!” Meaning, I’m still alive. No need to plan the funeral yet. I’ll be sinning until I’m dead, or Jesus comes back, whichever comes first.
It would irritate them that I refused to put on that “Oh what a poor miserable sinner I am” garbage.
Anyhow, I have found that as I focus on His righteousness, I am filled with unspeakable Joy over knowing that He has clothed me in THAT righteousness, and I am declared righteous before the judgment thrown of God. (I already know I am a sinner, I need to know my current status before God, RIGHT NOW.)
In response to that, I choose to not knowingly sin. Do I choose what you might choose, probably not, but that is between me and the One who declared me righteous, not me & you.
What is between me & you is if I sinned against you. It’s still against God, but I should ask your forgiveness to return our relationship to something more glorifying of God. Right?
So, when you get a bunch of people focusing on their sin, they get real discouraged, or they become pharisees.
(Or both.)
Every organization that starts that stuff, goes bad. The Pharisees did it, the Puritans did it, and many churches are doing it right now.
Just go back the red letters of Jesus; “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.”
When I confronted Keith Jacob on that issue, he could not respond.
The word of God is POWERFUL!
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
ROFL~~ Sorry, mostly unrelated, but when you mentioned Keith Jacobs it made me laugh. He was my Middle School Pastor/teacher once a month and I vividly remember the day he did a whole sermon/lesson on why we as teenagers still needed to be spanked and if we weren’t being spanked our parents weren’t caring enough and he made his daughter share with the class that if she and her sis were bickering they’d both be spanked… :-p :-) I actually loved Mr. J DEARLY and was soooooo sad when he went to Colorado or wherever he went, but thast story always makes me laugh
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Defender
I led a care group at SGC in Fairfax and never submitted any written reports on anyone. (This was a good thing, since I really don’t like report wrting.) Not all the in the SGC denomination are the same. (I’m not tech saavy enough to do the strike out text.)
Not walking in lock-step at SGC.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Kris,
I appreciate your list, it is helpful and informative.
I saw hints of some of this at our first SGC but, by the time I left there was movement toward a greater focus on our freedom in Christ. Not perfect but going the right direction. Jesus is far more jealous for His bride than any of us; He will hold accountable those who lead “His little ones astray”.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Defender
You said. “I am reformed, and a Holy Spirit baptized, tongue talking, lay hands on healing charismatic, …. BAREAN.”
Amen brother!
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
To answer Sue Bee #48-Do you find it difficult to see these red flags and not want to run out the door?
Our local church is not a mini-Covenant Life.
Our pastors do not preach in CJ voices. I have never heard them say they are the worst sinners they know.
They don’t say, when you ask them how they are, that they are better than they deserve.
We do have worship, then a break to take children to their classes, but so did all of the Assembly of God churches I went to.
We are not assigned caregroups.
Our caregroup does not have follow the standard “talk about the sermon then share our prayer requests” format, although we have done both of those at times.
Recently we went through the book of James together and discussion questions were taken from a Navpress study book. We don’t constantly look for the speck or confront others about their sin.
I can bring observations to my pastor. He is truly a humble man (and doesn’t mention how humble her is). His counseling style is to listen, ask questions, and will possibly make suggestions while acknowledging that he doesn’t have all the answers. No sin sniffing there.
We have many wonderful relationships at our church. However, I am involved in other non-church activities and have wonderful non-SG Christian friends, and so do my children.
Do I see SG red flags? Plenty. I think it is fairly easy to stay here because very few of the flags come from our local leadership. Our pastor actually told the congregation that he had noticed legalism creeping in, gave specific examples, asked for forgiveness, and re-iterated that our hope should be in Christ alone, not in certain practices.
My thoughts are that church members are exposed to a lot of the Corporate SG Bad Stuff, and carry it with them. In normal conversations I feel completely free to say that “I don’t buy that” and then say what I feel the error is, or what I believe Scripture to say.
And there is a lot of stuff I don’t buy. Don’t get me going on modesty-
( I think all young men should head to the beach and be exposed to what real female bodies look like. And if lust begins in the heart of men, why are the only public teachings in SG on how women are responsible for it all unless they are dressing modestly?)
(Disclaimer-I do believe women should dress modestly.
I just think the constant “reminders” are insulting and very one sided as I have only heard-”Now, ladies, we are going to the beach-please remember to dress modestly!” and never-”Young men, we are going to the beach. Remember to control your eyes and thoughts, and if the temptations are too great for you, you should not go on this social outing.” )
OR that the major role of a wife is submission as SG teaches it-
(The best book on the subject that I have found is “Rocking the Roles” found in our church bookstore.
Let’s look at the Proverbs 31 woman-she is off buying fields with her own money WITHOUT asking her husband about it!!)
(Disclaimer-there is one verse in the bible that says wives should submit to their husbands. I think that SG is WAY OFF on how they elevate that one verse and make the entirety of biblical womanhood about submission.)
OR that biblical womanhood is synonomous with wifedom and motherhood.
(Don’t you feel sorry for the single woman who is trying to figure out biblical womanhood?)
(No disclaimer here. Nowhere in scripture does it say you need a man to be a godly woman.)
The ugly truth, though, is that for many years (and at a different, legalistic SG church) I was that elitist SG person who bought into all the bad stuff.
So, how did I get from where I was to where I am today?
God’s grace. Time. Getting older and thank God! just a little wiser. Moving to a different church not steeped in legalism and much farther from the mothership.
I value this site because over the years I have had that vague feeling of something not being right, and someone here puts their finger on exactly what the problem is with whatever was troubling me. I glean from here, then keep my ears and mind open and aware of what is going on in my church. If the climate here changed to relect more of what we came from, then we probably wouldn’t be here any more.
I apologize for such a long post. Hopefully your eyes have not glazed over….
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Hmmzee,
Thank for the semi-hypothetical situation. My wife has had to put up with some (a lot) of this foolishness from me. Her solace came from trusting that God would change me, which He did. Christ laid down His life for His bride, how can I do less? I’m proud of my Proverbs 31, alpha-female wife and am happy to be raising several alpha-female daughters, better watch out guys!
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Kyle,
To which SGM songs do you refer in post #58?
Here are the lyrics to one of my favorites:
My Savior’s sacrifice paid for all my sin
So in my suffering I look to the cross again
No need, no want, no trial, no pain
Can compare to this
The wrath of God, once meant for me
Was all spent on Him
CHORUS
Before the Cross, I humbly bow
I place my trust in the Savior
Your finished work captures my gaze
You bore the wrath, I know the grace
In my darkest hour, Your presence is my peace
In my days of joy, Your grace carries me
Jesus, my Great High Priest
The One who pleads for me
My heart is filled with faith in You
Here at Calvary on my knees
Chuck
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
SGMChick & Merlin,
I think we may know of each other.
SGMChick, you are much younger and we may have only seen each other in passing.
Merlin, I’m not sure, but did you once give me an antique Aircraft Mechanic Handbook from your father’s attic?
(Or was that another CGL?)
Anyhow, Keith came out here to Colorado, and we did love him dearly too, until something went terribly wrong. (And we found that that love was one sided too.)
Or whole story is in the archives here using my screen name “Defender’s Story”.
Anyhow SGMChick, your story touched me, because I can relate to having been at your church at the same time you were there.
You mentioned being at a better church now, and you described a church that reminds me of one we know. If you get to know anybody from Oak Brook church in Reston, you’d be in good hands there too. Dan Wolfe was the Sr. pastor, but is semi retired now and just pastors the pastors there and other places as I understand. Dan was like a father to me. We left his church to go to FCC.
God bless you, my little sister.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Great list, Kris. Back in the 80s in ALCC in Pasadena, I could see most of these, especially 1,2,4,5,7 & 8. Elitism was huge. You make a good point that people aren’t waking up every morning thinking, “how can I abuse the flock,” but this is highly ingrained behavior that has slowly developed through a subtle form of brainwashing. This helps understand why it happens and helps us forgive the abusers. They are literally programmed to think this way.
It’s hard to see red flags sometimes because the average person is not trained to look for them AND there are some good things going on… that’s the danger of half-truths–one half is true. One key is to look at the long-term fruit. Hence, Didi’s testimony of her family falling apart under the load of legalism and fear of dishonoring family. (So sad, and Didi, you are so brave to stick it out, expose it as much as you could, and grow from it all).
Since I’m coming from SGM/PDI so long ago and have been in MANY other churches or Christian groups similar to SGM, I feel like this problem is systemic in the body. There are true grace-filled churches out there, thank God (like Didi’s now), but these good churches need to have a strong foundation of grace AND I believe they must have outgrown something that I think is a leading cause of spiritual abuse: Bible abuse–where literalistic mindsets take over and selective verses are used beyond their original intent by readers ignoring the historical, cultural, and literary context, and the real possibility that some words are mistranslated. This is how some of these strict doctrines begin like pastoral authority, naval-gazing sinspeptors, and demonizing everything non-SGM-type. Just one example is the way spanking became a command from God based on highly questionable verses in the OT.
If folks could outgrow Bible abuse (mostly done unknowingly), a lot of this spiritual abuse would be avoided and folks would see that Jesus works, not because of what we do, but in spite of what we do, is far more full of grace than we could ever imagine, and even loves unbelievers and does mighty works through them.
Well, my two cents. Great thread here. Thanks to everyone for sharing.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Defender – thanks!! I just read your story – I am sorry you and your wife had to go through that even beyond the hurt it sounds FRUSTRATING!!!
Now I am super curious… i wonder if i ever actually met you
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Well SGMChick, you would have been 16 when we left for Colorado, and I dd not have much contact with the youth of that age in the church except for the CG context.
We were in the Manassas CG.
That help?
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Defender,
I’m not the one who gave you the aircraft mechanics handbook. But if you were at FCC for more than a few years then we may at least know of each other.
“For every look at your sin take ten looks at the cross.”
Michael,
Great point, “Jesus works, not because of what we do, but in spite of what we do…” The scriptures say that God causes it to rain on the righteous as well as the unrighteous.
I’ve really come to a greater undestanding of Rom 8:28 over the past few years as God has worked in me to produce fruit that brings more glory to him.
I’ve found my faith far more stable despite my performance in the “means of grace”. I love Him more even though (or beacuse) I see my sin more clearly. His grace towards me is so much more amazing in light of my own attitudes and I find myself rejoicing at the picture of the elders around the throne casting their crowns at His feet. Everything I am and all I have is through Him and becuase of Him. This is what my co-workers don’t understand when I try to communicate my gratefulness to God. They just see me as competent, hard-working, and maybe a “company man”. They don’t get it when I tell them that I work to glorify God in all that I do and that I consider my employment a “calling”, a true vocation from God.
Amazed that he would stoop to look on me.
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
#51 SGMChick said…
“oh yeah, in regards to the tattling question…yes i had it happen and it was awful and i felt betrayed. my cg leader’s assistant is and was my best friend and it was awful when i realized she had told my pastor intimate info about me and i didn’t know. but, once we talked and i asked her to please tell me before she told them anything else about me she agreed and we have had the same intimacy as before.”
Wow, SGMChick. I’m blown away that you so readily forgave your friend for tattling to the “SGM police”, and just “asked her to please tell you before she told them anything else.”
I’ve always thought the whole SGM “tattling” thing was sick. I know SGM parents that acted as though they couldn’t wait until the next caregroup meeting so they could share the “sins” recently committed by their children with the group – like it was a “brag worthy” event. They were constantly “looking” for sin in their children’s lives so they would have some “sin” to report each time. It was quite common.
Sick, sick, sick!
(Kris, add “we’re dealing with a ‘heart issue’” to your trademarked list.)
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 am
Funny…
My parents and grandparents never needed a care group or group of pastors to report their children’s “sins” to. They handled them just fine on their own. I don’t think they ever ran into anything that a good “tongue or bottom lashing” didn’t take care of. (Yeah, they spanked. And everyone appears to have benefited from it.)
Imagine that. No SGM reporting, “how to’s,” or parenting books.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:11 am
I remember coming across the phrase “applying grace to” someone in the Girl Talk blog and wondering what that could mean. I stopped reading and thought, well it must mean overlooking something and loving the person instead. Grace is about getting something good that we don’t deserve, right?
When I read on, I was very surprised and sad to see it meant nearly the opposite.
How can “applying grace” mean pointing out sin? I know the argument, it just doesn’t seem helpful as an everyday way of life.
I think God wants us to show love and care for each other, to help each other to heal from our hurts and get our needs met in good ways, to show we care in positive ways. Give practical help or advice and pray together. Learn to trust God thru this, too. Show someone how much God loves them! As someone trusts God more and follows His ways, the old ways are displaced. It’s not always easy but God is in control of this, too!
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:59 am
Btw…
My “tongue or bottom lashing” remark was made in fun and would *NEVER* be defined as abusive. It was always done in love and within reason.
I’m not sure how today’s parents have screwed up such tried and true parenting techniques. Strongwilled children tend to need such. Maybe there’s more complacent children in the world these days.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Actually I talked to my best friend/CG Leader about it 2 nights ago and she said she doesnt hold to that philosophy anymore and would never go to a pastor with private information or share things that happened in caregroup; (i mean obviously she would if there was some huge thing, but it would be in the biblical model of going to the person, bringing in a couple others, etc…)
I thought the CO church plant was earlier… I thought I was much younger… I guess not :-p
My best friend at the time lived in Manassas and her parents were caregroup leaders, but I don’t know if they were leading then…
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Merlin,
Yes, there is selective reading of scripture and legalists overlook that “he sends the rain on the righteous and unrighteous.”
liz4cps,
How can “applying grace” mean pointing out sin?
>>>When I read on, I was very surprised and sad to see it meant nearly the opposite.
Unfortunately, this is all too common to change the definition of terms in order to maintain control of people. Grace means something else, a Shepard becomes a Care Group Leader (who only cares when you fit the mold), and legalism becomes pursuing a holy life. So, at first on the surface one thinks, “grace is good,” “a leader who cares” is good, and “pursuing a holy life” can’t be bad… but one must always look at the actions behind the terms that are used to see the real meaning.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
“one must always look at the actions behind the terms that are used to see the real meaning.”
Yup!
December 7th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Revisiting RED FLAG: I took the liberty to use what Kris posted and remove the word cult and add things in several areas that happened to me. I hope this liberty is okay but it spoke to me and several folks I emailed it to.
Red Flags Re-Visited: Especially No. 5
No one ever wakes up one day and says, “Hey, you know? I think I’ll shame and abuse the flock today,” or “I think I’ll become an abusive leader.” Instead, gradual changes take place, usually involving the lure of power that slowly takes hold.
If you study spiritual abuse, you can get a feel for how this happens: despite differing manifestations of abuse in churches, there are common denominators. Several sources cited here point out the following traits and show just how it is a church can move from a healthy body to a dangerous one.
1. Elitism: We’re more special
One common finding in spiritually abusive groups is something called “elitism.” It’s a feeling that your vision for the church or the church at large is superior to that of others. Though all churches, and most leaders, feel that they are on the right path, that their doctrines or practices are what God wants, that alone isn’t elitism. Elitism happens when you look at other churches or individuals and believe that your vision or your practices are among the very few that really please God. It is a superiority complex that snares those that have low self worth and have delusions of being the greatest among many or the leader of many and will take any means to accompolish it. This initial pride and puffing up – that can begin so very subtly — ends up justifying any abusive behavior that follows.
2. Information control: Don’t trust the members
Another common denominator in abusive groups is something called milieu control. It is an attempt to control information available to members. This may start out as an innocent desire not to have heretical teachings invade the body. But this control becomes deadly in abusive groups. Before long, only those things approved by church leaders, and only material that portrays the church or leaders in a good light are allowed. Information is censored. Everything must go through the hands or control of the leader to make sure it is “appropriate,” “healthy” or “not divisive.” This can lead to tight control of information and eventually isolation from society at large, as certain information is deemed unholy or worldly and forbidden from members’ hands.
Anything the leadership wants you to believe is allowed and anything harmful to the image of the church, no matter how accurate or useful, is kept from members. In some only certain translations of the Bible are allowed. In others, only “correct” interpretations of scripture are tolerated. In some groups any information not originating from the headquarters is deemed unsafe. How does this start? How does this control over others’ lives and minds begin?
With a desire to control – perhaps at first a healthy desire to keep doctrine pure – that gets out of hand. Sometimes it begins as a shortcut to keep hassles from members to a minimum. Innocent beginnings, but they can lead to tragic endings.
3. Image, image, image
Milieu Control is strongly related to another red flag: Image Consciousness. Abusive churches/pastors are concerned about image. Sometimes, image is everything. This church has a vision superior to other churches or pastors specifically. To preserve that lofty status, anything negative must be quashed immediately, even if it is true. If a leader is caught in sin, the sin is quickly swept under the rug or a diversion tactic is used. If members leave no one is allowed to talk about it. This is COMMON practice in abusive churches and is close to idolatry, equating the church, or church leaders, to Christ himself.
4. Shame, flattery and manipulation
Image Consciousness, in many abusive churches, leads to harsh treatment and manipulation of members. To keep negative information from leaking out of the body, members are sometimes shamed or spoken against — sometimes from the pulpit. Ministries are whisked away from those who begin to ask questions, and ministries are used as rewards to “loyal” members who know how to keep quiet about the misdeeds of leaders, or who prove useful through slavish work or flattery of leaders. And in abusive groups, flattery goes both ways. Leaders know how to flatter and how to shame to keep the image of the church polished and gleaming.
5. Authoritarianism: I’m in control; you shut up
Another red flag is authoritarianism, the concentration of power in the hands of a few or sometimes even one person. Power is attractive to those that have felt over looked or are in meger positions. Power can be coveted and when found is unable to be used in a healthy manner for the good of others. The maxim power of one is often used to align others with them in inappropriate and unhealthy ways and on the flip side to malign those not in ‘favor’ which is dangerously corrupt on both accounts. Those in the church that are perceived as trouble makers or interferring, with how the pastor demands to be viewed, results in an attack to destroy credibility of anyone that dares to pose any question. Power and control corrupts leaders in various ways and there are numerous reactions to it. The most standard reaction in pastors suffering from the sickness of corruption is to divide and create factions by talking to individuals as if they are special to garner support and to go to those that will spread the concern on their behalf. Pastors will garner support for their position behind the scenes before presenting their ‘case’ so it will appear that everyone is on the same page. Anyone else speaking contrary to the issue of control is told to shut up, shamed and accused of being a gossip.
6. Two kinds of corruption
Some are lured by the financial aspects of power and begin to lavish on themselves gifts and luxuries. How does this happen? Possibly, these once godly leaders have sacrificed much over the course of their lives while watching other Christians live luxuriant lives. When the church begins to do well, they see this as a sign that it’s “their turn now,” that they deserve some blessings because they have served so long and so hard for very little. Soon, that feeling of dessert takes over and they feel entitled to more and more. Eventually some may even feel they deserve other men’s wives or multiple wives.
More dangerous, though, than leaders who fall to hedonistic ways are those who believe that because their vision for the church is direct from God that God’s mind and their mind are becoming fused. They soon begin to see their own actions as God’s. Anyone who opposes them is opposing God. When this happens, watch out. They won’t phrase it that way. They may not even realize what they are doing. They feel they have a special place as God’s best spokesperson. Because they are so special, they will steamroll over anyone in their way. Because they think they are anointed, they soon feel they have a role in rooting out imperfections among lesser Christians.
7. Excellence, or legalism?
These leaders can become more than just haughty; they can become harsh and demanding. They look down on others around them and puff themselves up, all the while stressing the need for humility. They begin to practice a perfectionism that kills. It won’t be called perfectionism. It might be called “striving for excellence” or “pursuing a holy life” or “giving God His due.” It becomes legalism and it drains the life out of individuals and churches, as members try harder and harder to meet standards that become out-of-reach. While members are whipping themselves for failing to perform, the preaching will be on grace. While members are burdened and shackled to legalistic aims, the sermons will be on freedom. But members are not feeling free or forgiven. They are loaded down with guilt and work and feelings of failure.
8. Calling concern “divisiveness”
Another red flag is a false call to unity. When authoritarian pastors want to quell dissention, they label even legitimate questions “divisive.” You are interfering with the unity of the brethren if you raise issues of concern. This tactic ensures a lockstep, zombie-like following and cements the abusive pastor into his place at the top. Who wants to be divisive? Who wants to cause trouble? Who wants to be spreading heresy or harboring a critical spirit or injecting division? (These are common phrases used against those expressing concerns about abusive leadership and serve as giant, fluttering red flags.) Most humble, sincere Christians concerned about wayward leadership will be cowed by such tactics. The abuses of the leader will continue unchecked.
9. When people slink out
The final red flag in this short overview is the telltale indication of trouble signaled by people leaving a congregation. If spiritual abuse is taking place, you might not catch on right away. People in manipulative groups will have been warned – subtly or otherwise – not to talk about church problems. They will be called weak or gossipers or immature if they mention why someone left. Those who leave also may suffer residual effects of controlling mechanisms in the church and say little about why they left.
If you notice an exodus of people from a congregation, it’s a sign to dig further and check for other signs of spiritual abuse.
These are just some of the roots of spiritual sickness to watch for in your congregation, but they seem the most common.