[Kris says: I found the following list on a site called Provender.]
Red Flags
No one ever wakes up one day and says, “Hey, you know? I think I’ll shame and abuse the flock today,” or “I think I’ll become a cult leader.” Instead, gradual changes take place, usually involving the lure of power that slowly takes hold.
If you study spiritual abuse, you can get a feel for how this happens: despite differing manifestations of abuse in churches, there are common denominators. Several sources cited on this site point out the following traits and show just how it is a church can move from a healthy body to a dangerous one.
1. Elitism: We’re more special
One common finding in cults and spiritually abusive groups is something called “elitism.” It’s a feeling that your vision for the church is superior to that of others. Though all churches, and most leaders, feel that they are on the right path, that their doctrines or practices are what God wants, that alone isn’t elitism. Elitism happens when you look at other churches or individuals and believe that your vision or your practices are among the very few that really please God. It is comparative. It is a superiority complex. This initial pride and puffing up – that can begin so very subtly — ends up justifying any abusive behavior that follows.
2. Information control: Don’t trust the members
Another common denominator in cults and abusive groups is something called milieu control. It is an attempt to control information available to members. This may start out as an innocent desire not to have heretical teachings invade the body. But this control becomes deadly in abusive groups. Before long, only those things approved by church leaders, and only material that portrays the church or leaders in a good light are allowed. Information is censored. Everything must go through the hands or control of the leader to make sure it is “appropriate,” “healthy” or “not divisive.” This can lead to tight control of information and eventually isolation from society at large, as certain information is deemed unholy or worldly and forbidden from members’ hands.
Anything the leadership wants you to believe is allowed and anything harmful to the image of the church, no matter how accurate or useful, is kept from members. In some cults, only certain translations of the Bible are allowed. In others, only “correct” interpretations of scripture are tolerated. In some groups any information not originating from the headquarters is deemed unsafe. How does this start? How does this control over others’ lives and minds begin?
With a desire to control – perhaps at first a healthy desire to keep doctrine pure – that gets out of hand. Sometimes it begins as a shortcut to keep hassles from members to a minimum. Innocent beginnings, but they can lead to tragic endings.
3. Image, image, image
Milieu Control is strongly related to another red flag: Image Consciousness. Abusive churches are concerned about image. Sometimes, image is everything. This church has a vision superior to other churches. To preserve that lofty status, anything negative must be quashed immediately, even if it is true. If a leader is caught in sin, the sin is quickly swept under the rug. If many members have left, no one is allowed to talk about it. The church “represents Christ to the community” and you can’t let the public know that the church has a problem or people will think Christ does. This is COMMON practice in abusive churches and is close to idolatry, equating the church, or church leaders, to Christ himself.
4. Shame, flattery and manipulation
Image Consciousness, in many abusive churches, leads to harsh treatment and manipulation of members. To keep negative information from leaking out of the body, members are sometimes shamed or spoken against — sometimes from the pulpit. Ministries are whisked away from those who begin to ask questions, and ministries are used as rewards to “loyal” members who know how to keep quiet about the misdeeds of leaders, or who prove useful through slavish work or flattery of leaders. And in abusive groups, flattery goes both ways. Leaders know how to flatter and how to shame to keep the image of the church polished and gleaming.
5. Authoritarianism: I’m in control; you shut up
Another red flag is authoritarianism, the concentration of power in the hands of a few or sometimes even one person. That power can start out used well. The maxim “power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely” is especially true in churches. It corrupts leaders in different ways.
6. Two kinds of corruption
Some are lured by the financial aspects of power and begin to lavish on themselves gifts and luxuries. How does this happen? Possibly, these once godly leaders have sacrificed much over the course of their lives while watching other Christians live luxuriant lives. When the church begins to do well, they see this as a sign that it’s “their turn now,” that they deserve some blessings because they have served so long and so hard for very little. Soon, that feeling of dessert takes over and they feel entitled to more and more. Eventually some may even feel they deserve other men’s wives or multiple wives.
More dangerous, though, than leaders who fall to hedonistic ways are those who believe that because their vision for the church is direct from God that God’s mind and their mind are becoming fused. They soon begin to see their own actions as God’s. Anyone who opposes them is opposing God. When this happens, watch out. They won’t phrase it that way. They may not even realize what they are doing. They feel they have a special place as God’s best spokesperson. Because they are so special, they will steamroll over anyone in their way. Because they are anointed, they soon feel they have a role in rooting out imperfections among lesser Christians.
7. Excellence, or legalism?
These leaders can become more than just haughty; they can become harsh and demanding. They look down on others around them and puff themselves up, all the while stressing the need for humility. They begin to practice a perfectionism that kills. It won’t be called perfectionism. It might be called “striving for excellence” or “pursuing a holy life” or “giving God His due.” It becomes legalism and it drains the life out of individuals and churches, as members try harder and harder to meet standards that become out-of-reach. While members are whipping themselves for failing to perform, the preaching will be on grace. While members are burdened and shackled to legalistic aims, the sermons will be on freedom. But members are not feeling free or forgiven. They are loaded down with guilt and work and feelings of failure.
8. Calling concern “divisiveness”
Another red flag is a false call to unity. When authoritarian pastors want to quell dissention, they label even legitimate questions “divisive.” You are interfering with the unity of the brethren if you raise issues of concern. This tactic ensures a lockstep, zombie-like following and cements the cult leader or abusive pastor into his place at the top. Who wants to be divisive? Who wants to cause trouble? Who wants to be spreading heresy or harboring a critical spirit or injecting division? (These are common phrases used against those expressing concerns about abusive leadership and serve as giant, fluttering red flags.) Most humble, sincere Christians concerned about wayward leadership will be cowed by such tactics. The abuses of the leader will continue unchecked.
9. When people slink out
The final red flag in this short overview is the telltale indication of trouble signaled by people leaving a congregation. If spiritual abuse is taking place, you might not catch on right away. People in manipulative groups will have been warned – subtly or otherwise – not to talk about church problems. They will be called weak or gossipers or immature if they mention why someone left. Those who leave also may suffer residual effects of controlling mechanisms in the church and say little about why they left.
If you notice an exodus of people from a congregation, it’s a sign to dig further and check for other signs of spiritual abuse.
These are just some of the roots of spiritual sickness to watch for in your congregation, but they seem the most common.
I never got the "meeting" thing, either. 
November 28th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Isn’t it funny how many times I thought of Sovereign Grace Ministries while reading that list?
Hmm wonder why
November 28th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
This article hits the nail on the head.
November 29th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Well done! I think back to a cult a friend of mine was involved in back in the 70′s — a “textbook” example.
November 29th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Kris, this “Provender” site has some good stuff!
It’s sad to see so much on the internet and in the bookstores on spiritual abuse these days, but I’m glad it’s there. This stuff has been going on in varying degrees in various forms for years as a result of the influence that the shepherding movement and folks like Bill Gothard had on the church. I’m amazed at just how often you can still find a “shepherding practice” within a church. No one has any idea that the practice has it’s roots in the shepherding movement. If there was ever a time to be a “Berean”, it’s now!
Within CW, I especially saw #1 – “Elitism: We’re more special” and #7 – “Excellence, or legalism?” The “elitism” was unlike *ANY* I’ve ever observed. I’ve observed people who felt elite due to money, professional status, academic degrees, etc., but CW’s spiritual elitism has been the worst, and the most toxic. Their elitism and legalism have damaged a lot of people through the years.
November 29th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Excellent. Thanks for providing information on this subject. Too many believers think that they would never find themselves in an unhealthy or cultic group, but it happens more often than we think.
Every believer should know the red flags.
Thanks again,
Wendy J. Duncan
Author: I Can’t Hear God Anymore: Life in a Dallas Cult
November 29th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
All of this sounds so frighteningly familiar.
I still have family in Old Church.
It’s shocking to see it presented to me all in one place.
It’s weird that it can be so familiar and such a slap in the face at the same time.
Does that make sense?
November 29th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Yes it does, Cheryl.
Welcome to the site.
I saw where you asked about a place to share your story. Just jump in “anywhere” and share. Right here is fine.
November 29th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Thanks for posting this! It’s clear, concise and, above all, very real. There certainly is a subtle elitism in SGM. Also, I’ve noticed that whenever another pastor comes to a church, they spend a while letting everyone know what great friends they are and then patting each other on the back for their greatness and humility. It’s so fake and disgusting and resembles #4. And #8 is so true! People get hammered all the time at “church family meetings” about how talking about what the leaders are doing is “gossip” and “divisive” and spreads negativity and it all gets tied back to their ridiculous concept of “church discipline”.
As for #2, I’ve gotten so tired of SGMers giving people looks when they quote a translation other than the ESV (cause its the “true Bible” according to one young 20ish devotee [sadly I'm not joking]) and of course Wayne Grudem’s 5th Gospel (Systematic Theology) which is so full of obvious theological inconsistencies. Ugh! Sorry, I’m done venting.
November 29th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Spot on. Again.
It’s true of SGM, and true in too many churches from sea to shining sea.
The way I see it, we (the Church) have a problem on a very large scale.
So, what do we do?
Some are praying for a national revival, but isn’t it true, that if God sends His Spirit to bring revival, it starts with setting His own house straight?
I’m just asking.
??
November 30th, 2009 at 12:20 am
I just realized, as I read my post, that I might make more sense if I put a little context in.
The church we now attend, is the one we sought refuge in after escaping SGM. The pastor here just loves CJ and SGM. He knows all the details of our life in, and escape from, SGM and could only be perplexed at our story when compared with what he sees by his observations of SGM.
This pastor is implementing more and more SGM practices, and knows that we are watching closely.
Every one of the 9 points mentioned in this article are already identified (by us) in this church.
How do we know this?
Been there, Done that.
So I am wondering, is SGM the problem, or just a conduit for a larger cancer in the Church?
(I personally think SGM is just a part of a larger problem.)
I’m just thinking…………
November 30th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Defender,
Sometimes I wonder–with regard to churches and the Church–if there is a safe place on earth.
I have been learning to find my safety with Him, first and always.
(But someone dear to me has begun going to a wonderful little warm and quirky church that makes me think there’s still hope for the whole concept… I go there sometimes too.)
November 30th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Hi, Cheryl -
I loved your comment on the other post. Thanks for that, and welcome to the site!
I think what you share is absolutely relevant to our discussion, because one of my biggest concerns – one of the things that drives me to continue here even sometimes when I get tired of the whole subject – is that it seems to me like SGM’s influence among a certain segment of Bible-based churches is only growing. And these churches only seem to see SGM’s shiny and attractive outer shell. It’s like they have no clue about the destruction that can be wrought if SGM’s approaches are implemented across the board.
So I’m glad that you’re here and hope you share your own story with us in more detail.
November 30th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Wendy -
Thanks for commenting! I so appreciate the resources you’ve made available on your site.
November 30th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Defender,
It’s so interesting that your post-SGM church is on the SGM love train these days, even though your pastor knows your story. I’m guessing that there are far more pastors (and churches) out there who have never seen or heard anything about SGM’s “dark side.” At least you’ve freely shared with your pastor what he needs to guard against.
I was thinking about what SGM’s appeal is all about. On a personal level, I really don’t get it. Of course, I’m not a pastor. But the first time I saw CJ preach (via an online video), I experienced total cognitive dissonance – where what my eyes and ears were telling me was totally opposite what I thought I “knew” to be true about CJ and SGM. To me, CJ does NOT seem “humble,” not in the least. And I didn’t think that what he taught was very deep or moving, either. He has a way with words, of course, but if you dig beneath the surface of his words, he’s really not saying a whole lot. (I think this is particularly evident in the transcript of the Happiest Place On Earth sermon.)
So I couldn’t for the life of me understand why non-SGM pastors would be so drawn to the SGM way of doing things.
But I’m thinking that non-SGM churches (and pastors) see SGM from the outside and first of all are wowed by the whole package, the picture of (seeming) unity that SGM presents to the world…even in the face of SGM’s counter-cultural hardline stances on sin and church discipline. Pastors read the stuff that SGM puts out on topics as mundane as modesty and think, “Wow – if *I* tried to tackle this subject from the pulpit, half my congregation would take offense and leave! I’ve GOT to find out their secret for being able to get so many people to ‘think biblically’!”
Also, I think SGM holds a special appeal for non-Charismatic “Reformed” churches. They see the (apparent) unity, they see the people’s (seemingly willing) openness to correction and receptiveness to “hard” messages about sin, and then they hear the idea that “God wants happy pastors”…and it is all so opposite to the reality of their current experience…so they look at what might be causing SGM to have such a different level of success…and the one thing (looking from the outside in) that they can point to that IS different is, of course, SGM’s “continuationist” stance on “the gifts.”
And of course, as we’ve discussed before, SGM does implement a lot of things that can be good. In this day of impersonal megachurches, it can be good to have mandatory involvement in small groups. It can be good to have mandated militant friendliness to visitors, where the new person is invited out to lunch on his very first Sunday. Lots of people like SGM’s music, too. If you apply a regular orthodox understanding of terms such as “gospel” and “cross,” SGM’s song lyrics can seem highly deep and meaningful, without all the heaviness that comes with an insider’s knowledge of the redefinition of those terms.
So yeah, on the one hand, I have a difficult time understanding why any pastor would listen to CJ and NOT feel odd about all the fake self-deprecation, the high-sounding but sort of puffed-up lingo that he uses when he preaches…and especially, what is UP with that self-congratulatory cackle as he laughs at his own jokes?
But on the other hand, I can see how non-SGM churches are lured in. SGM invests a HUGE amount of energy into image-grooming, into squelching anything negative, into quickly covering up and rewriting history so that they look perfect. They use all the right orthodox terms…and it takes a very alert and perceptive person to figure out the very subtle ways that those terms get redefined for insiders. Non-SGM churches struggling with all the usual messiness of people see SGM’s smug (yet seemingly humble) and tidy face and long to know the methods for their success.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:10 am
I thought that churches would want to emulate or join SGM partly because of the elevated power that they gave to pastors but what just happened recently at our local SGM church just blows my mind. There was a church about 30 minutes away that was wanting to be adopted by SGM. Our former pastor was meeting with them for a year (?) to discuss this possibility. I just found out that they decided this would not be a good idea because they were already planning on planting a church another 30 minutes from there and they thought that it would be too close SO (and this is what blows my mind) all 100+ people from that said church moved to our old SGM church. They closed their doors and moved the entire congregation 30 minutes away because they wanted to be an SGM church that badly. WHY????
Did the number of people leaving recently cause them to think that they needed more members to support the church financially? Oooh, that sounds bad, I can’t believe I just said that! I really just don’t get it. What made them want to be in the club that badly?
November 30th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Luna,
I suppose I’m an optimist. But I believe that there are “safe” churches out there. I think the keys are:
1) Know that – as you said – our real safety lies in God, and we can trust Him; and
2) That we look for churches that have structural safeguards in place for addressing problems and providing checks and balances.
I’ve said this many times, but I cannot for the life of me understand how ANY church that emphasizes our innate sinfulness as much as SGM does could then turn around and place so much power in individuals. The pyramid structure of church governance simply contradicts everything that SGM pastors proclaim about their “worst sinner” status.
If a pastor is truly the “worst sinner he knows,” then why – OH, WHY – would he ever think that he doesn’t need some form of formal accountability to his congregation?
Certainly, if he’s really the “worst sinner he knows,” then that would mean he’d believe that there are members of his congregation who would know more and have more Godliness than he does. You’d think he’d want those folks to be his “boss” on some level.
I don’t understand why any “worst sinner” would at the same time believe that the buck should stop with him in terms of decisions.
November 30th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Because he really doesn’t think that. He is only saying it. And that proves it.
November 30th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Kindred said something in post 4, and your response, Kris, got me thinking.
Our pastor did come from the Jesus People church up in Minneapolis. He was a pastor there. (Shepherding )
After that “blow-up” he came to the baptists, just like Defended and I did. He is a fantastic preacher/teacher.
I think he wants to be essentially reformed, yet charismatic.
Don’t get me wrong, I am reformed (Lutheran), and a Holy Spirit baptized, tongue talking, lay hands on healing charismatic, …. BAREAN.
(I was once told by a Baptist Elder that I am an oxymoron.)
Anyhow, it’s like that shepherding stuff gets in your veins, and if you weren’t hurt by it, you want to reproduce it.
We are watching our little Baptist church go that way, and I am using it as a teachable time to show my kids how it looks when a church goes slowly wrong.
They are getting it.
The youth pastor (Son-in-law to the pastor) can only talk about sin and killing sin.
I keep asking God why we are still here in this church, and He reminds me that we have stable respectful relationships with three out of five of the elders of this church at this time.
I have this little echo running in my head and it gets loud from time to time, “Mark 13:22 For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and miracles to deceive the elect— if that were possible.”
Come Quickly Lord Jesus!
November 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Great post!!!!! SGM does fit in each and every one of the points. In point # 6, SGM leadership totally falls into the second type of corruption, where they believe and have said the leadership/pastors are the ones that stand in front of God for the members. They all believe they have a special relationship with God because they are pastors that the members don’t have and therefore know better.
Defender wrote: Anyhow, it’s like that shepherding stuff gets in your veins, and if you weren’t hurt by it, you want to reproduce it.
Me: Very good point! CJ was never hurt by it, in fact he has done quite well financially off it. He just took it (and Larry at the time) and toned down the language used to describe it – i.e. no longer “you have to get permission to go on vacation/buy a house/change jobs” to “we would like to be able to counsel you on major life decisions”
Gone is the “shepherd” you report to, now it is called a “Care Group Leader”. It is no longer “every aspect of your life will be naked and bare before your shepherd” but “True fellowship in care group will involve sharing your struggles with your care group”. And the thing you don’t find out until you are in leadership is that a written report of the activities of all care group members is to be submitted to the “pastoral team” under the guise of “pastoring”.
November 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Fredom writes: “And the thing you don’t find out until you are in leadership is that a written report of the activities of all care group members is to be submitted to the “pastoral team” under the guise of “pastoring”.”
WHAT?!?!
Are you kidding?
What is your evidence for this? (Is this true?)
November 30th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Yup, this happened at my church too. It was standard procedure to fill out a form on who was there, who wasn’t, why and if anything ‘important’ was discussed.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
About the care group reports/forms…
Some of this depends upon the church – as the SGM defenders tirelessly point out, there can be some variation between various congregations in the Sovereign Grace
denominationfamily of churches – but it is fairly common for the pastors to request that small-group leaders report back to them in some fashion. And of course, as the defenders would also be quick to say, there can be some perfectly good, benign reasons for this.For one thing, it IS a way for a pastor to keep his finger on the pulse of his congregation. It’s good for pastors to know what is going on in their people’s lives.
BUT…
I think an important thing to keep in mind is that most of the time, the members aren’t precisely aware that what they share in the confines of their small group will then be passed on in such a fashion. I’m pretty sure that there’s not full disclosure about this practice.
And I think that’s where the problems lie.
One of the main purposes behind having small groups in the way that SGM has them is to help people become vitally connected to other church members. One of the main goals is to form deeper, more intimate relationships than one would be able to develop during one’s chatfests during the Sunday meeting intermission, or after church. There’s this sense that one’s small-group members are supposed to be closer, more intimate. They’re supposed to know one better. And one is therefore supposed to let one’s guard down and share more personally with one’s group members.
I just wonder how different the group dynamic would be during, say, the “confession” times, if people were reminded that their leader would be filling out a report to hand in to the pastor. I’m guessing that in many cases, people might put the brakes on sharing about certain struggles and sins if they were made more aware of just how that information was about to leave the room. But instead, they’re lulled into a comfort zone brought about by their familiarity and deeper relationships with their group leader and other members.
It’s really not difficult to see how all sorts of issues could crop up with this system.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
That’s like finding out that when you left your neighbor to watch your home while you were on vacation, he bugged your house and has been listening to your private conversations ever since.
It’s dishonest, and creepy.
Talk about the epitome of gossip!
November 30th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
In my own experience (thus far) I had to practically twist my community group leader’s arm to get him to keep quiet about the issues I’m having with the church. It took some serious persuasion to get him to not “get pastoral care” for me. I don’t know the exact procedures, but I’m pretty sure it goes on.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Like I said, I can see some good in the practice of keeping pastors “in the know.”
I think the big thing is disclosure.
And – as Kyle points out – permitting the members to have final say about what gets shared and what does not.
If you think about it, it really would make for a weird dynamic in what are supposed to be close relationships, in a setting where there is supposed to be a much greater level of openness and vulnerability. I guess a person would just have to forever be mindful that whatever he shares in his small group is fair game for his pastor.
Even then, though – it just occurred to me how scary it is to think of a small-group leader sort of summarizing everyone’s “needs.”
Nobody is a 100% perfect listener…let alone a lot of guys, especially the guys who would qualify for leadership roles within SGM.
(No offense meant to any care group leaders out there reading this of course!) How many times have we experienced re-telling someone else’s story and either completely missing the point or else leaving out some crucial detail that changes everything? I just wonder how often this happens in these small-group reports? I’m guessing more often than most people would wish!
I’d MUCH prefer to have some jurisdiction over my own life events, sins, and needs, thankyouverymuch! If my small-group leader thinks I need to run something by my pastor, then he should tell me, and let me use my own judgment about when and how (and if!) I decide to share it.
November 30th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I’m a “guy” and I listen…sorry..couldn’t resist
November 30th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Guy…
Heh. You ARE a great listener. But then again, I doubt they’d ever have made you a care group leader, either.
November 30th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I was actually voted “Most Likely to Never Be a Care Group Leader” in high school..imagine that.
November 30th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Y’know, I just realized that I don’t really like my “men aren’t good listeners” crack in comment #25.
The truth is, PEOPLE don’t often listen well enough to be super-accurate in the re-telling of stories and situations and whatnot. After all, what is the age-old childhood game of “telephone” about, if not to illustrate how easy it is to muddle what someone else tells us?
It’s not a man thing. It’s a PEOPLE thing. Sorry, guys. (And Guy.
)
November 30th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I got to thinking about something. (Dangerous thing, that.)
Over the past couple of years, I’ve heard from enough former small-group leaders from enough SGM congregations all over the country that I think it’s pretty fair to say that the vast majority of SGM churches do indeed practice this “small-group leader reporting” thing in some fashion.
So I’m wondering, all you SGMers out there – were you told that this was happening? If so, how? Was there ever a time when sensitive information (information you had assumed would be kept private among your group members) was shared with your pastor(s) without your knowledge or permission?
Is full disclosure about the reporting practice common in SGM churches? Did it catch anyone by surprise?
November 30th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Kris, I appreciate the link to Provender–which then led me to another interesting site about this whole idea of pastoral authority: http://coveringandauthority.com
Leighton Tebay does a great job of outlining the Theology of Covering (a la Watchman Nee — I think I still have a copy from CLC) — and debunking it point by point with scripture and reason.
Here are some excerpts:
“The challenge in crafting theology is coming up with ideas and concepts that best represent the whole counsel of scripture. To get “Covering Theology” to work requires ignoring significant relevant passages in scripture. It just doesn’t fit with Jesus’ words about leadership. It doesn’t fit with Pauls concept of the church as a body. If submission to church leaders is based on their position is so important why isn’t it clearly laid out in scripture and reinforced by example? Why would Paul go to such great lengths to the convince the Corinthians that they should listen to him because of his life and ministry and not the people who had “letters of recommendation” and judge things according to the flesh? How could prophets like Jeremiah and John the Baptist say such negative things about their leaders if we are called to be unconditionally submitted to authority? Why aren’t we warned in the New Testament that we open ourselves up to demonic deception and spiritual disaster if we don’t submit to the authority of church leaders? This would be a really big deal if it were true and yet the entire New Testament is silent on it? ”
“Being a leader isn’t easy. Watching people make their own choices and their own mistakes is difficult. However we cannot fix that by scaring them in to listening to us. It doesn’t work, it doesn’t help, it is isn’t leadership and it certainly isn’t biblical.”
“Covering Theology wielded in the hands of a secure, caring person will only have a moderately negative impact on people. If the authority in question has issues like dependency, anger, insecurity, desire for control then the abuse can be acute and devastating.”
November 30th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I new it was happening because I would hear the care group leader say privately to us about someone else’s situation “we need to tell the pastor’s about that”. Or they would tell us about some other problem they heard about in small group leaders meeting that was going on in someone else’s care group. So yeah I knew that the pastor’s were well informed but at the time I kind of liked the “tattling” aspect of it. In fact, to be honest, we did our fair share as well.
I guess we just didn’t think that people were doing the same thing about us. Little did we know…….
I am telling you, we were SOLD OUT! Maybe that is why we have swung so far in the other direction. I am so sick of it now that I can’t even stand to hear old SGM songs when there really isn’t anything inherently wrong with most of them.
November 30th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
The tattling and reporting is sickening.
The parents of youth and college kids were always particularly bad. They were CONSTANTLY scrutinizing the kids and sharing their “observations,” and the kids knew it. You could watch them and tell by their body language that they knew the adults “were watching.” At times it felt as though the adults almost enjoyed it….it was weird!
SGM teaches “no gossip and slander,” and then they turn around and actually encourage such by implementing some of this stuff..
It’s crazy!
November 30th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Hey Guys,
This is my first, probably only post as I am not sure overall it would benefit me to be on here much, but really wanted to share.
I didn’t know where to put this, so Kris – or whoever- if you could please move this if there is a more appropriate place I’d be really grateful. :-)
I’ve been reading a bit the past couple days and then several months ago, and I’ve been super conflicted, so I decided to share my story and if that could even encourae one person or help clarify anything or give hope I’d like that. :-)
PREFACE: My family is NOTHING like what I will say anymore. The pastors we dealt with I have heard are totally different men now. I am not posting this for a “woe is you – look at what those awful men did to you”, but rather so you can see I know where you’re coming from and I am not unaware of the issues and problems. I am not talkin about all of the GOOD things that came from old church just in the interest of time and such, but God did do a lot through that church and specific peers and adults growing up were great examples of Christ to me, but they don’t get highlighted here. :-p
I am 26 years old, and I have been part of SGM since I was 5 and we were “People of Destiny” :-)
We started attending when I was 5 and it was just me, my mom and dad, and baby sister. I don’t really remember any major changes because I was getting numerous spankings a day before we ever met our SGM pastor. *grin* From 5 – 14 my family was fairly normal. (and increased to several more kids) My dad had an explosive temper and was mildly abusive physically. But,since we were in a church that encouraged frequent and “serious” spankings I just thought everybody’s family was like that. If you got bruises sometimes it’s just part of being spanked. My mom homeschooled us and we went to homegroup and all of our friends were home schooled *i was specifically told not to TALK to public schoolers because they would teach me bad things, and their parents didnt care about their souls* I loved to sing and dance – I wanted to speak in tongues – I wasn’t popular, but I loved my church and my life. Overall…
Then things to started to change… my mom stopped coming to church as much, and when I was 14, a member of our extended family had major health issues, and I got primary responsibility of the house and the kids. By the time I was 15, this family member had died and we stopped doing school altogether. My mom stopped going to church at ALL, stopped leaving her bedroom let alone the house. (but continued to procreate) I wanted to protect my family. ALLLLLL growing up it was “Don’t dishonor your family” “make the family look good” because my mom was always afraid pastors or home group leaders would judge us, would judge her. So, I didn’t say anything – I actually didn’t know anything was wrong for years. I had been taught my whole life that my parents were right, I was wrong, and to make the family look good. So I did… or I tried. I still went ot church, I still went to homegroup – I made dinner ,did dishes, changed diapers, vaccuumed, made my mom all her meals in bed, tried to make my dad happy, but that was a lost cause. I couldn’t make him happy because he thought I was lazy. He thought I was argumentative. He thought I wasn’t good enough. No matter what I did I wasn’t good enough. So, I started being bulimnic. Not eating and then eating a lot nd throwing up. I hated myself because I couldn’t be a good homeschooler. I couldn’t do the right things. I tried talking to my youth pastor’s wife, I said “Mrs. X, if I have to change another diaper I’ll scream!” and she chided me for not wanting to serve and complaining. I asked for prayer every week and then it got to a point where she told me “I am sick of praying for you because you don’t change.” At one point I called my pastor and I said “Mr. Z, I don’t know what to do. We haven’t done school in 3 years and my 9 year old brother can’t read.” and he told me verses about honoring my parents and told me i needed to confess to my dad THAT DAY that i had talked to the pastor and that i had dishonored my parents. (he has apologized to me since) Another time I prayed with a pastor’s wife for what I perceived as lust in my heart, but because the sermon had been on sexual sin my pastor called my parents (I WAS 20!!!) and told them i was keeping immorality from them. and my mom got mad because i had dishonored the family by publically praying after a sermon like that. It was REALLY REEALLY hard. I had people who befriended me, but over and over because I didn’t change they would not want to be my friend anymore. I was told constantly that I was not good enough. I was a bad christian.
Well, in 2004 my parents repented and rededicated to The Lord and started going back to church, but because of the judgement they feared from our previous church, they started going to a new church and that church saved my family and saved my life. Literally.
But, at the time I was still dedicated to our previous church, sort of. I planned to go away to a Christian college and then come back. I had started cutting myself and contemplated suicide every day. I hated myself SO much. Went to Christian college, got kicked out, came home, and first sunday back a girl from my caregroup said “Why haven’t you been at church the last couple weeks – that’s really not good for your spirit.” I politely informed her that she had been at my GOING AWAY PARTY and then I went home and never went back.
My first sunday at our new church – or one of the first – the senior pastor used an example of cutting in his sermon, and i went up to him and i said “Mr. X, I didn’t know you knew about me, but thank you for talking about that issue openly. No one ever wants to admit it’s a problem.” and he looked at me and he said “I didn’t know. But I love you, and I care about you, and I want you in this church.” I couldn’t believe in it. Someone wanted ME!!! Someone felt that I could receive God’s love. I could receive grace. I could be saved. I wasn’t God’s biggest mistake. Over the next several months and years I was welcomed . I had pastors apologizing to me for the wrongs done at my previous church, even though 95% of the time they hadn’t even been involved. I was told the Gospel in a way I had NEVER heard it before – in a way where I didn’t have to be good enough. I didn’t have to be one of the few and select. God loved ME just as much as my pastor. I could walk up to my pastor and TALK! I didn’t have to go through the hierarchy. I could be honest about my family. I had a pastor tell me that if I said the word he’d support me in calling CPS and getting my siblings out of there. MY pastors are FOR me!!! They LOVE me. And the LOVE JESUS more than their reputations, more than their desires and what they want the church to look like – they are not out to impress the SGM big wigs or anybody else except Jesus!! They want to serve because they love us. They want to help becuase they love us. And when they confront, or correct, or discipline it’s because THEY LOVE US!!! There have been REALLY HARD situations in my church. Molestation, rape, audultery, divorce, homosexuality, and then “Every day sins” like cutting, alcoholism, eating disorders, premarital sex, etc… and you know what? Every person has been told “I sin big time too” and every situation has been handled for the glory of God. They have made mistakes. They have hurt people. They have sinned, but their aim and intent has always been for the Glory of God and the good of their church. And when they mess up – they admit it. They ask forgiveness. They ask for help. My pastors are the humblest men I know – and that’s not the empty flattery y’all are concerned about. It’s just true.
*deep breath* I know that was a lot. I know that’s a lot more detail than most people give, and believe me I did think about, but I am not afraid of “SGM Big Wigs” reading what I have to say and being offended because I know it’s true, and whatever may have happened in the past or in specific churches in the present – I know that my pastors and the men who oversee MY specific local church love The Gospel, love the truth, and love me.
Incidentally, my siblings are now in a great homeschooling program, parents have a lot of accountability from friends and their caregroup, my mom and dad dont believe in spanking except in VERY rare sitations.
I hope this was okay to write…. I just want everyone to know that it’s not SGM it’s specific pastors, it’s specific situations and specific sin… I made it through the “SGM HEll Hole” and GOD brought me out!! GOD rescued me, and it didn’t take leaving SGM to do it. It might take it for you, but please don’t hate SGM and all of her churches… there is good… and soooo much has changed!! At least from where I sit… I stil don’t go back to my previous church, but I am sure there is bitterness there. I get physically ill when I walk through the doors, so I cannot speak for them, but the church I am in now is great!
November 30th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
sorry for all of the spelling and grammatical errors :-p
November 30th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
November 30th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
Thanks “Acme” I LOOOOOVE your profile pic!!!
Thanks for the welcome – I was really scared posting a semi pro SGM post… 
November 30th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
SGMChick,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad you and your family are in a healthier place and growing in love with Jesus more and more!
November 30th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
A…HERE
SGMChick…my heart breaks for what you had to go through. I see that crap now and it breaks my heart.
The worst is here.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Hi, SGMChick…
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Like the others, I am grateful that you’re in a much better place these days!
November 30th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Thanks Bunches Guys!! I feel welcomed- thank you!! i wish i knew where more people were from as they share stories – I have been SO SURE some stories came from FCCers because they sounded so like what I knew growing up :p
November 30th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
SGMChick…
Something I’ve come to understand as I’ve done this site for a little over 2 years is that the stories come from SGM churches all over the country. I know that you believe that the issues are limited to certain churches and certain pastors. Certainly, some names and places seem to come up a lot more frequently than others.
But I think the problems are not really about individuals or particular congregations. The bad things that people have experienced because of SGM happen through what I call the “perfect storm” of things – the first and foremost being SGM’s beliefs and teachings on authority. Then you add to that their firm belief that pastors are called to model very specific behaviors and lifestyle choices to their people, behaviors and choices that leadership deems “more wise.” Then you factor in the “X” factor, which is the individual member’s neediness, messiness, or particular vulnerabilities.
But the bottom line is that about 99% of the wretched stories shared here would not have happened without SGM’s teachings and views on pastoral authority.
November 30th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I should add, SGM’s teachings and views on pastoral authority then trickle down into “authority” in all facets of a member’s life. So what parents are taught about their authority, and what young people are taught about how they must respond to authority, all connect to pastoral authority.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:39 am
SGMChick — thanks so much for sharing your journey. I was heartbroken to read about your mom not being able to leave her room. It sounds as if she had no friends around to help her out, pray for her, etc. You deserve much praise for changing all those diapers, and I hope you now realize that your sacrifices helped strengthen your family in difficult times.
Kris — about care-group “reporting”. At one point in time, ushers at the “meeTing” were told to go from merely counting the number of latecomers to WRITING DOWN THEIR NAMES so that their lateness could be reported to their caregroup leaders. Really. But then, one usher said, “No. I’ll count numbers of people who attend; I’ll count the number who are late. But I will not write down their names and tattle on them.”
The practice was not continued. Don’t know if they do it now or not, but if I were a betting man, I’d say that the same people late back then are likely to be late today — whether or not they were tattled upon and received an ensuing “observation” or “correction.”
(Constant lateness can be a sign of rebellion — or a symptom of having multiple kids in need of shoes to re-tie, last minute diaper changes, hairbows, and barrettes!)
December 1st, 2009 at 8:33 am
Nickname,
Wow – ushers who take attendance and report “tardies” to the authorities?
It occurs to me that life in a Sovereign Grace church must be stressful. Maybe not overtly stressful, but stressful on some subconscious level, where there’s that nagging feeling that something isn’t quite right.
I mean, the very definition of “grace” is overlooking the wrong that someone does. Yet so much of what SGM seems to be all about is honing in on the wrongs – the mistakes, the bad habits, the sins. The funny thing is that the typical church-going believer – especially one who has exhibited enough seriousness about his Christian life that he’s committed himself to a church like SGM – will usually have cleaned up his life enough so that he’s no longer engaging (if he ever did engage) in the more blatant sins like lying, cheating, stealing, sexual immorality, drunkenness, or even something like swearing. The typical “serious” Christian (and I’d say that SGM rarely appeals to any other type) has, through the grace of God, already cleaned up his act in those areas.
Yet SGM is way more hyper-focused on “rooting out” sin (as if such a thing were possible) than the average “normal” church. So what’s left to do? It seems to me that people just get pickier and pickier over each other, where leaders hone in on something as innocuous as getting late to church and then attach all sorts of deeper spiritual significance (like the possibility that the tardiness is a symptom of rebellion) to it.
On the one hand, I can see how some people might think that such constant watchfulness from those around them would help them to grow. If your small-group leader comes to you with an “observation” about your habitual lateness, and if you care about what he thinks (and what your pastors think), you’ll probably make an extra effort to avoid the tardiness. And maybe – if getting late to church is really about something sinful like “rebellion” – you’ll attempt to deal with that.
BUT…
Often, chronic lateness is merely a matter of having an inaccurate concept of time and how long it takes to do certain things. It can’t be very helpful to have the “sin” label slapped on to something like that.
It strikes me that such watchfulness is far more likely to cause people to just get paranoid about outward appearances.
I know that Brent Detwiler has detached himself (or been detached) from SGM now. But he was a significant force in the organization for many years, and one teaching that he did – which several people have mentioned here – was about how having a junk drawer was a sign of a lack of integrity. Can you imagine?
Again, like I said, I know that Brent is no longer a leader in SGM these days. But he was enabled and encouraged to give these sorts of teachings because – I believe – this is one of the huge underlying assumptions of SGM’s approach to the Christian life: that anything that falls short perfection is symbolic of some sort of sin, which then needs to be attacked and dealt with in order to please the Lord and (as CJ wrote in his Humility book) “attract more of God’s grace.”
Another underlying assumption – that works in tandem with honing in on the spiritual symbolism of something like having a junk drawer – is that the average Christian is so stupid and so oblivious to his shortcomings that he needs others to point them out. So this leads to a culture where people are trained to beam an ever-stronger magnifying glass on the little things that need fixing. Things like tardiness and junk drawers.
The natural result of such sin-sniffing is going to be a church where everyone is constantly thinking about the negative, about what NOT to do.
I think that’s sort of the opposite of what the Bible tells Christians to do, in terms of supporting each other.
Rather than honing in on what is WRONG, and then magnifying every little short-coming to reflect some larger sinful attitude or thought process, Scripture would instruct us to encourage one another and spur each other on to good works. Directing our attention and our energy toward finding good things to do is very different than being nagged by a constant pressure to avoid bad things.
And, like I said, the irony about all of this is that a continual awareness of sins and shortcomings – our own, or those of others – is the exact opposite of GRACE.
December 1st, 2009 at 9:53 am
Kris — the “constant lateness can be a sign of rebellion” comment was something that did NOT come from SGM — a quote from a preacher elsewhere — so I don’t want to infer that they ever said that if they didn’t.
I’m glad you gave the source (Brent Detwiler) of the “junk drawer” thing — I’d heard that tossed around, but never knew where it came from. Around 20-25 years ago, Gordon McDonald wrote a book with a title that may have been “Ordering Your Private World” — the premise was something like “how can you have order in your spiritual life if your physical surroundings are a mess?” It was a good book, written before McDonald stepped down from being head of Intervarsity.
But those kinds of directives do not take into account that all individuals are not hardwired to be neat freaks — and that being a neat freak can also be a sinful obsession. Some people have an obsession for being “on time”. Others just have habits of being neat and on time. There’s a huge spectrum — and sometimes the working out of such things might be sinful, and other times it’s just LIFE — which, we have ABUNDANTLY!
The hiding of individual personality traits results in “plastic faces.” A woman with a bright, bubbly, loud personality can easily be seen as “unsubmissive”, so a woman with a much quieter personality seems to be spiritually superior. It’s not true. Whew, don’t get me started….
The spectrum idea also applies to the mental health discussion. Often, when folks have mental issues, it’s hard to tell where sin ends and sickness begins. Recently, a counselor friend from the reformed perspective mentioned that they’ve begun to re-think — and realize, hey, if physical body ailments are affected by hormone imbalances, chemical imbalances, etc — it stands to reason that the brain can also be so affected by same.
Grace.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm
What would I do without a junk drawer, physically and symbolically? I think that allowing for a junk drawer shows that it’s OK to have messes in life that you’ll be able to clean up eventually. It’s better than letting everything hang out all over the place and messing everyone else up too. The junk drawer is the safe place to do that. It keeps it somewhat contained while you’re working it out. Not everything has to be perfect and in place at the same time, spiritually speaking either. Grace, grace, much grace.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Question for those still in — Do you find it difficult to see these red flags and not want to run out the door? I see these things and want to shake people awake! I am also having a hard time trusting — especially those that are still obviously sold out to the SGM way.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:25 pm
SueBee, YES I have felt exactly the same way. For a few years I felt uneasy and wanted to shake people awake when I felt like they were just blindly following… Then I had the urge to run out the door for about 9 months before we eventually left. It was and still is so hard to see people I love so much blinded and not utilizing the discernment that God has given us through our minds and the Holy Spirit.
To leave or not to leave can sometimes be VERY complicated.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm
SueBee – Sometimes… It can be hard when I remember the things in my past and when I hear of churches currently where grace is not being extended or taught or where people are being hurt by their pastors because of pastoral arrogance or fear. I really do think sometimes it’s fear – fear of man which relates to pride or fear even for the person because THEY see such a “big sin” and are concerned. And that isn’t trusting God and still has a lot of pride because unless it’s black and white in the bible (or red ;-)) then it’s a “disputable matter” and they can trust God can lead that person in a direction different that they (pastors) might see fit.
But what keeps me where I am?? mostly it’s the relationships and the fact that I trust MY pastors – I might not fully trust any pastor in SGM, but I trust mine. I have had many doubts and questions recently – mostly when my pastor says a phrase or illustration that reminds me of “the old days” and i get fearful that maybe they aren’t trustworthy. but then i remember reality – what i have seen and heard and felt in this church and i remember that i was 100% NOT going towards GCC when God lef me there. He specifically told me that apart from all of the things I DONT agree with or all of the questions I had that I was supposed to be at Grace. and I saw more fruit and change and peace and joy in the first 3 months at grace that the last 10 years at fairfax.
my pastors and cg leaders are always open to questions or concerns or “i dont agree with that” and they are ok with that. we have people in our church who dont believe in the gifts or don’t believe in predestination or whatever… and they are full active members – children’s ministry teachers
and it’s ok to disagree and to have different viewpoints.
i am rambling here, but that is why i stay. lately i have felt a strong pull to move to a new church, but as far as i know it’s a pull to plant an SGM church not leave the ministry.
and who knows…it might be PMS that makes me want to leave. there are no concrete reasons. 
December 1st, 2009 at 2:36 pm
oh yeah, in regards to the tattling question…yes i had it happen and it was awful and i felt betrayed. my cg leader’s assistant is and was my best friend and it was awful when i realized she had told my pastor intimate info about me and i didn’t know. but, once we talked and i asked her to please tell me before she told them anything else about me she agreed and we have had the same intimacy as before.
i didn’t know it was a policy, and yes that is something i would make a lot more public to the members of the church.
December 1st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
SueBee, I would love to hear from you as per your comment on the previous post. Did Kris pass my e-mail to you?
December 1st, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I’m just a tad curious (and a bit nervous as this is my first post)
I’m sorry if this post seems brash and trite in the midst of this conversation. Apologies for any perceived feelings of disregard, but I just had a quick question for kris and guy; where does the proceeds for all of the ‘Survivor Goods’ go? Sorry, i don’t mean to be rude or intrusive I’m just curious. Also, I think this site is very interesting. I’ve been reading up on it lately and it has sparked my interest. Thank you for your time!
December 1st, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Benny –
The proceeds (all $17.00 of it from beginning to present) go directly to pay for the site (hosting, etc). Trust me…it’s only to defray a small part of the cost. Nobody’s making money off of the site, but whatever can be done to offset some of the cost is appreciated. FYI, Kris was (and is) against any “commercialization” of the site, but, since I have knowledge of the inner workings, I chose to veto her. I’m cool like that
Guy
December 1st, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Oh okay, thank you! That was a very honest detailed answer lol. Sorry if that seemed suspicious. I just generally ask questions when I want to know something.
December 1st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
[I apologize in advance for the way this comment is out of sequence. I'd had it written and ready to post this morning and got interrupted. It was in response to Nickname's comment #46.]
Nickname,
I see what you’re saying. I suppose for some people, people of a certain inclination, spiritualizing the practical details of their daily lives can make those details more meaningful…can help them get motivated to change bad habits or something.
This is such a confusing thing, though, because especially in a culture like SGM’s – where pastors believe that part of their role is to be examples that their people can imitate – I think there can be so many pitfalls when teachings contain examples like the junk drawer. I can imagine that there’s a lot of peer pressure for pastors (and, more importantly, their wives/families) to be all shipshape and tidy. I’ve heard from more than one individual, actually, that such a “together” image is sort of a qualification for being considered for official ministry within SGM.
December 1st, 2009 at 8:11 pm
In light of our discussion about junk drawers and stuff, I thought it’d be interesting to talk about this particular point from the “Red Flags” list above:
I’m fascinated by how most SGMers at some point have believed that their church is “all about grace.” Talk of God’s grace IS sprinkled liberally throughout SGM’s teachings. And yet, a lot of times, it seems like when “grace” is discussed, the focus is invariably on how rotten and sinful we humans are…how somehow, even despite our wormishness, God made a way for us to find acceptance in His sight…but we’re wretched sinners nonetheless. Which inevitably leads – in some fashion – to, “Here’s how we can tackle this or that sin and attract more of God’s grace.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I feel like SGM’s grace talk is first of all too focused on us and our sinfulness, rather than on God and His unending mercies. And then secondly, using the “worst sinner” babble to somehow motivate us to do better is actually the antithesis of true grace.
If grace involves something that WE must contribute to the equation, than it’s not grace at all…right?
I wrote this morning that I was thinking of how stressful it must be to be a Christian in an SGM church. Now I’m thinking it must be gut-wrenchingly confusing, too, because words like “grace” get all tangled up in certain specific ways of BEING and DOING.
It’s also interesting how there is so much talk of humility, and yet some of the pastors, at least, say things in their
sermonsteachings that sound (to an outsider) terribly self-important and puffed up. Also, the way that folks have shared that pastors will give big long flowery introductions to visiting SGM higher-ups is NOT about true humility – or else the visiting higher-ups would issue an edict declaring that they do NOT want those sorts of introductions ever again.The fact that the higher-ups don’t do anything meaningful to put a stop to the ultra-flattering and adoring intros demonstrates a serious LACK of humility…even as they are being lauded for how humble they are.
December 1st, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I think that Kris you hit upon something with the we’re still sinners bit, because in SGM Music (written by SGM not other praise music done at SGM churches) says this all the time. It actually is a distraction it is spoken so much. It’s almost like a self-pity party. Woah is me I’m so terrible attitude. It doesn’t look very humble, at least in my opinion.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 am
Kris so with you on the ‘all about grace’ bit being used as a front for let’s discuss how evil were are (which we are) and not focus on the grace God has extended to us (which He has).
I found that when I focused more on the “put on’s” rather than the “put off’s” in my spiritual walk, my ability to overcome sin increases ten fold. A simple perspective change can make a world of difference in our lives!!!!
I think many Christians are living a ‘self-pity party’ and not allowing themselves to experience the grace and victory in Christ. It’s just more evident in SGM-ville because of obvious reasons.
For me by looking to the resurrection of Christ I’m given more hope in the fact He has defeated sin and it’s consequences and that is available to us!!! That is the Lord we serve and worship, by the GRACE of God!
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:43 am
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Ahhh
SGM Grace, which differs from Gods grace, is one of my favorites.
Gods grace is the amazing gifts of life, creation, and the savior, which I do not deserve, nor will I ever truly appreciate until I am brought back into the eternal
presence of my Heavenly Father.
SGM Grace is the forced hyper awareness of one own wretchedness and unworthiness.
The notion that the Governor called just seconds before the execution, and the subsequent attempt to prolong that feeling of simultaneous condemnation and relief
as the life long perspective for ones relationship with the SGM Pastors as agents of the Governor.
Or in another phrase, “You deserved Auschwitz, but we are giving you Rikers. Be good or we will send you back”
Yes, lets spend this life rubbing our noses in the perverbial poo that we brought to the cross and sit there in it for the rest of our lives.
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I need a bad dog icon, but this will do
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“God’s people can never by any possibility be punished for their sins. God has punished them already in the person of Christ, Christ, their substitute, has endured the full penalty for all their guilt, and neither the justice nor the love of God can ever exact again that which Christ has paid. Punishment can never happen to a child of God in the judicial sense”.
C H Spurgeon – “Chastisement” – New Park Street Pulpit – delivered on Sabbath Morning, October 28, 1855
Yet SGM Grace loves to reflect on the punishment that never was….or that could be if you fall out of the flock. Now don’t you forget!
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 am
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“I think many Christians are living a ’self-pity party’ and not allowing themselves to experience the grace and victory in Christ”
That is by SGM Pastoral design.
Personally…..
I love to start my workday by telling myself, my co-workers, and my boss what
a lousy wretched employee I am, how I am the worst manager in the kingdom of executives.
I thank my boss ever day for not firing me, and leave posters of my latest atrocities on my office wall.
It’s a humble existence, but one that I am sure my employer appreciates.
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
Kyle,
When we arrived at our SGM church, we were completely unfamiliar with SGM music. I think that, plus the fact that the hyper-Charismatic church we came from frequently sang songs of no depth whatsoever, made me appreciate the thought that went into the lyrics. At first all the sin talk woven throughout the songs was grimly refreshing.
But after awhile, I started feeling just sort of sad. It’s important for us to be reminded of what we were, and where we were, when we were redeemed. And it’s good to do this in song. But the far greater emphasis has got to be on God and His goodness, or (in my opinion) we just get distracted from the wonderful things He has for us to do.
And sometimes, the over-emphasis on the “wretched sinner” aspect felt almost mechanical, like some sort of mental exercise we had to go through…as though there’s an unspoken liturgy where week after week we first must go through and remember our sins and how bad we are, so that we can drum up appreciation for God.
Interestingly enough, though, when the Bible gives us glimpses of heaven and the saints and angels around the throne, those saints and angels are simply worshiping God. They’re not singing about themselves and their badness. Their focus is on God and His awesome holiness alone.
It’s almost like SGM has it backward. Rather than starting with our sinfulness, we need to start with God. If we get the faintest sense of God’s holiness and greatness and goodness and fearsomeness and love, we’re going to find ourselves saying, with Isaiah, “Woe is me, I am undone.”
More importantly, though, we need to end with God as well. Instead of harping on our sin, making the rounds once again of rehearsing where we came from and how we continue to fail, I’d rather focus on the Lamb of God seated on the throne, and celebrate the wonders of what He has done for us.
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 am
Wayfaring said,
Yep! Definitely!
I’ve shared this before, but to me, thinking of the Christian walk in terms of what we cannot do or should not do or of what we need to tighten up and fix is ultimately exhausting and discouraging. It reminds me of some of my unsuccessful attempts at dieting. If I approach staying in shape as primarily thinking about what I’m NOT going to eat, I will find myself thinking about those things – the potato chips, the hot berry pie with ice cream, the chocolate brownies, the perfect pizza – and even obsessing over them. And for some reason, the struggle to resist those things will seem just too overwhelming, and I’ll cave and bake a pie and deliberately sit down and eat too much of it.
But when I change my perspective and instead focus on the positive aspects of the task – the healthy foods I need to incorporate into my diet in order to have balance, and the process of exercising just a little bit more every day as I get into better shape – I’m not NEARLY as tempted by the pizza and the pie and the brownies. In fact, eventually, after I get some momentum going, I’m so focused on the good and the healthy that I actually lose a lot of my desire for the unhealthy. I will find that I can go weeks without even thinking of French fries, if I instead begin to enjoy the benefits of eating more vegetables.
That extends into my Christian life as well. Having the focus of “Lord, what do you want me to do today?” will keep me so busy that I tend to forget about the “sin that so easily entangles us.”
Interesting.
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
Unassimilated,
This –
is dismayingly accurate, when you think of CJ’s emotional declarations of, “I will never move on from the cross! Never!”
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
The subject of “flags” got me to thinking about something else that bugs me about SGM, and that is their habit of formulating “gospel-centered” and “biblical” positions on things and then putting their own personal stamp on them.
If you are in SGM, there’s nothing really special about obedience or walking by faith in areas where they have already claimed ownership. If you have a unique calling to stay at home with your children, that’s nothing special – you’re just following procedure. Are you a guy that has that special gift of leadership combined with a pastoral gifting who knows how to make a small group experience rewarding for all involved? Pfft. That’s nothing compared to the gifts of those in Leadership leadership.
SGM plants their flag in the middle of every marriage, every family, every relationship. They planted their flag in the middle of the Gospel and upon The Savior. The SGM flag flies high over The Cross and over The Local Church.
If there is a way to take an issue and formulate a position on it and pass it off as “biblical”, the SGM stamp gets placed on it and your conformity is credited to SGM’s account. In so doing, you become part of the Happiest Place and a real joy to pastor. Oh, and thank you for serving!
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:52 am
Claireon,
That’s a really astute observation.
I sort of think of it like those SGM cliches are almost trademarked. Like,
Oh wait. Starbucks actually does have a trademark.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Kris – hahaha lol!
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:38 am
On the topic of constant sin-talk and authoritarian teaching, here is a possible scenario.
Suppose there is a young lady who loves the Lord and has been faithful and fruitful in a ministry which makes a real impact on those around her. This lady has a husband who allows her to do this, but doesn’t really value it because it is not benefitting him directly. He latches on to the sin-talk and authority emphasis at SGM and constantly ridicules her shortcomings as a wife and homemaker. He accuses her of sinful pride because he thinks she is trying to draw attention to herself through other people’s approval of her ministry. Emotional intimacy in the marriage wanes under the negativity in the home even as she is trying to keep her joy. Then the lady meets another man who seems to truly appreciate her personality and spiritual gifts. She is instantly drawn to that to the point that this becomes a strong craving. She doesn’t want to be guilty of emotional adultery, so in keeping with SGM protocol she confesses this temptation to her husband, in the hopes that this will also make him more sensitive to her vulnerability as a wife. Instead, this brings on more accusation and judgment over a long period of time. She keeps trying to hack this “horrible” sin out of her thought life (which is as far as it ever goes), all the while being reminded at church how sinful and self-deceived Christians are. She doesn’t experience complete victory, just more temptation and condemnation as she plods along trying to her best to be faithful in her thoughts.
But God! At some point in time, the young lady starts realizing what is going on with the sin-focus, and begins to study Scriptures and other Christian books on grace and her precious worth in Christ. She stops looking to her husband and church leaders for approval. She has healthy conversations with friends outside of her church who assure her that she is normal and loved. She continues her ministry with a totally new compassion for those who are hurting. She now has the confidence to speak up for herself and stop being a wormy doormat, no matter what her husband or church leaders say. Then she realizes that her thoughts are no longer stuck on the other man. She rejoices in her true freedom in Christ.
Focusing on the sin leads to more of it. Focusing on grace leads to more of it. What’s your choice?
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
It takes me back to the place I choose to live.
Jesus said with His own mouth “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.”
I firmly believe, as many here have discussed already, if we focus on our sin, we are distracted from what Jesus Himself said we are to do.
I used to have arguments/discussions with people in SGM, (and even the pastor) about this, and they would ask me if I were aware that I was sinning. I would quickly grab my wrist to check my pulse and after a brief look of concentration as though I were looking for my pulse, I would put on an exaggerated look of excitement and proclaim “Yes! I’m still sinning! Praise GOD!” Meaning, I’m still alive. No need to plan the funeral yet. I’ll be sinning until I’m dead, or Jesus comes back, whichever comes first.
It would irritate them that I refused to put on that “Oh what a poor miserable sinner I am” garbage.
Anyhow, I have found that as I focus on His righteousness, I am filled with unspeakable Joy over knowing that He has clothed me in THAT righteousness, and I am declared righteous before the judgment thrown of God. (I already know I am a sinner, I need to know my current status before God, RIGHT NOW.)
In response to that, I choose to not knowingly sin. Do I choose what you might choose, probably not, but that is between me and the One who declared me righteous, not me & you.
What is between me & you is if I sinned against you. It’s still against God, but I should ask your forgiveness to return our relationship to something more glorifying of God. Right?
So, when you get a bunch of people focusing on their sin, they get real discouraged, or they become pharisees.
(Or both.)
Every organization that starts that stuff, goes bad. The Pharisees did it, the Puritans did it, and many churches are doing it right now.
Just go back the red letters of Jesus; “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.”
When I confronted Keith Jacob on that issue, he could not respond.
The word of God is POWERFUL!
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:14 pm
ROFL~~ Sorry, mostly unrelated, but when you mentioned Keith Jacobs it made me laugh. He was my Middle School Pastor/teacher once a month and I vividly remember the day he did a whole sermon/lesson on why we as teenagers still needed to be spanked and if we weren’t being spanked our parents weren’t caring enough and he made his daughter share with the class that if she and her sis were bickering they’d both be spanked… :-p :-) I actually loved Mr. J DEARLY and was soooooo sad when he went to Colorado or wherever he went, but thast story always makes me laugh
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Defender
I led a care group at SGC in Fairfax and never submitted any written reports on anyone. (This was a good thing, since I really don’t like report wrting.) Not all the in the SGC denomination are the same. (I’m not tech saavy enough to do the strike out text.)
Not walking in lock-step at SGC.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Kris,
I appreciate your list, it is helpful and informative.
I saw hints of some of this at our first SGC but, by the time I left there was movement toward a greater focus on our freedom in Christ. Not perfect but going the right direction. Jesus is far more jealous for His bride than any of us; He will hold accountable those who lead “His little ones astray”.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Defender
You said. “I am reformed, and a Holy Spirit baptized, tongue talking, lay hands on healing charismatic, …. BAREAN.”
Amen brother!
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
To answer Sue Bee #48-Do you find it difficult to see these red flags and not want to run out the door?
Our local church is not a mini-Covenant Life.
Our pastors do not preach in CJ voices. I have never heard them say they are the worst sinners they know.
They don’t say, when you ask them how they are, that they are better than they deserve.
We do have worship, then a break to take children to their classes, but so did all of the Assembly of God churches I went to.
We are not assigned caregroups.
Our caregroup does not have follow the standard “talk about the sermon then share our prayer requests” format, although we have done both of those at times.
Recently we went through the book of James together and discussion questions were taken from a Navpress study book. We don’t constantly look for the speck or confront others about their sin.
I can bring observations to my pastor. He is truly a humble man (and doesn’t mention how humble her is). His counseling style is to listen, ask questions, and will possibly make suggestions while acknowledging that he doesn’t have all the answers. No sin sniffing there.
We have many wonderful relationships at our church. However, I am involved in other non-church activities and have wonderful non-SG Christian friends, and so do my children.
Do I see SG red flags? Plenty. I think it is fairly easy to stay here because very few of the flags come from our local leadership. Our pastor actually told the congregation that he had noticed legalism creeping in, gave specific examples, asked for forgiveness, and re-iterated that our hope should be in Christ alone, not in certain practices.
My thoughts are that church members are exposed to a lot of the Corporate SG Bad Stuff, and carry it with them. In normal conversations I feel completely free to say that “I don’t buy that” and then say what I feel the error is, or what I believe Scripture to say.
And there is a lot of stuff I don’t buy. Don’t get me going on modesty-
( I think all young men should head to the beach and be exposed to what real female bodies look like. And if lust begins in the heart of men, why are the only public teachings in SG on how women are responsible for it all unless they are dressing modestly?)
(Disclaimer-I do believe women should dress modestly.
I just think the constant “reminders” are insulting and very one sided as I have only heard-”Now, ladies, we are going to the beach-please remember to dress modestly!” and never-”Young men, we are going to the beach. Remember to control your eyes and thoughts, and if the temptations are too great for you, you should not go on this social outing.” )
OR that the major role of a wife is submission as SG teaches it-
(The best book on the subject that I have found is “Rocking the Roles” found in our church bookstore.
Let’s look at the Proverbs 31 woman-she is off buying fields with her own money WITHOUT asking her husband about it!!)
(Disclaimer-there is one verse in the bible that says wives should submit to their husbands. I think that SG is WAY OFF on how they elevate that one verse and make the entirety of biblical womanhood about submission.)
OR that biblical womanhood is synonomous with wifedom and motherhood.
(Don’t you feel sorry for the single woman who is trying to figure out biblical womanhood?)
(No disclaimer here. Nowhere in scripture does it say you need a man to be a godly woman.)
The ugly truth, though, is that for many years (and at a different, legalistic SG church) I was that elitist SG person who bought into all the bad stuff.
So, how did I get from where I was to where I am today?
God’s grace. Time. Getting older and thank God! just a little wiser. Moving to a different church not steeped in legalism and much farther from the mothership.
I value this site because over the years I have had that vague feeling of something not being right, and someone here puts their finger on exactly what the problem is with whatever was troubling me. I glean from here, then keep my ears and mind open and aware of what is going on in my church. If the climate here changed to relect more of what we came from, then we probably wouldn’t be here any more.
I apologize for such a long post. Hopefully your eyes have not glazed over….
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Hmmzee,
Thank for the semi-hypothetical situation. My wife has had to put up with some (a lot) of this foolishness from me. Her solace came from trusting that God would change me, which He did. Christ laid down His life for His bride, how can I do less? I’m proud of my Proverbs 31, alpha-female wife and am happy to be raising several alpha-female daughters, better watch out guys!
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Kyle,
To which SGM songs do you refer in post #58?
Here are the lyrics to one of my favorites:
My Savior’s sacrifice paid for all my sin
So in my suffering I look to the cross again
No need, no want, no trial, no pain
Can compare to this
The wrath of God, once meant for me
Was all spent on Him
CHORUS
Before the Cross, I humbly bow
I place my trust in the Savior
Your finished work captures my gaze
You bore the wrath, I know the grace
In my darkest hour, Your presence is my peace
In my days of joy, Your grace carries me
Jesus, my Great High Priest
The One who pleads for me
My heart is filled with faith in You
Here at Calvary on my knees
Chuck
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
SGMChick & Merlin,
I think we may know of each other.
SGMChick, you are much younger and we may have only seen each other in passing.
Merlin, I’m not sure, but did you once give me an antique Aircraft Mechanic Handbook from your father’s attic?
(Or was that another CGL?)
Anyhow, Keith came out here to Colorado, and we did love him dearly too, until something went terribly wrong. (And we found that that love was one sided too.)
Or whole story is in the archives here using my screen name “Defender’s Story”.
Anyhow SGMChick, your story touched me, because I can relate to having been at your church at the same time you were there.
You mentioned being at a better church now, and you described a church that reminds me of one we know. If you get to know anybody from Oak Brook church in Reston, you’d be in good hands there too. Dan Wolfe was the Sr. pastor, but is semi retired now and just pastors the pastors there and other places as I understand. Dan was like a father to me. We left his church to go to FCC.
God bless you, my little sister.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Great list, Kris. Back in the 80s in ALCC in Pasadena, I could see most of these, especially 1,2,4,5,7 & 8. Elitism was huge. You make a good point that people aren’t waking up every morning thinking, “how can I abuse the flock,” but this is highly ingrained behavior that has slowly developed through a subtle form of brainwashing. This helps understand why it happens and helps us forgive the abusers. They are literally programmed to think this way.
It’s hard to see red flags sometimes because the average person is not trained to look for them AND there are some good things going on… that’s the danger of half-truths–one half is true. One key is to look at the long-term fruit. Hence, Didi’s testimony of her family falling apart under the load of legalism and fear of dishonoring family. (So sad, and Didi, you are so brave to stick it out, expose it as much as you could, and grow from it all).
Since I’m coming from SGM/PDI so long ago and have been in MANY other churches or Christian groups similar to SGM, I feel like this problem is systemic in the body. There are true grace-filled churches out there, thank God (like Didi’s now), but these good churches need to have a strong foundation of grace AND I believe they must have outgrown something that I think is a leading cause of spiritual abuse: Bible abuse–where literalistic mindsets take over and selective verses are used beyond their original intent by readers ignoring the historical, cultural, and literary context, and the real possibility that some words are mistranslated. This is how some of these strict doctrines begin like pastoral authority, naval-gazing sinspeptors, and demonizing everything non-SGM-type. Just one example is the way spanking became a command from God based on highly questionable verses in the OT.
If folks could outgrow Bible abuse (mostly done unknowingly), a lot of this spiritual abuse would be avoided and folks would see that Jesus works, not because of what we do, but in spite of what we do, is far more full of grace than we could ever imagine, and even loves unbelievers and does mighty works through them.
Well, my two cents. Great thread here. Thanks to everyone for sharing.
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Defender – thanks!! I just read your story – I am sorry you and your wife had to go through that even beyond the hurt it sounds FRUSTRATING!!!
Now I am super curious… i wonder if i ever actually met you
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Well SGMChick, you would have been 16 when we left for Colorado, and I dd not have much contact with the youth of that age in the church except for the CG context.
We were in the Manassas CG.
That help?
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Defender,
I’m not the one who gave you the aircraft mechanics handbook. But if you were at FCC for more than a few years then we may at least know of each other.
“For every look at your sin take ten looks at the cross.”
Michael,
Great point, “Jesus works, not because of what we do, but in spite of what we do…” The scriptures say that God causes it to rain on the righteous as well as the unrighteous.
I’ve really come to a greater undestanding of Rom 8:28 over the past few years as God has worked in me to produce fruit that brings more glory to him.
I’ve found my faith far more stable despite my performance in the “means of grace”. I love Him more even though (or beacuse) I see my sin more clearly. His grace towards me is so much more amazing in light of my own attitudes and I find myself rejoicing at the picture of the elders around the throne casting their crowns at His feet. Everything I am and all I have is through Him and becuase of Him. This is what my co-workers don’t understand when I try to communicate my gratefulness to God. They just see me as competent, hard-working, and maybe a “company man”. They don’t get it when I tell them that I work to glorify God in all that I do and that I consider my employment a “calling”, a true vocation from God.
Amazed that he would stoop to look on me.
December 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 pm
#51 SGMChick said…
“oh yeah, in regards to the tattling question…yes i had it happen and it was awful and i felt betrayed. my cg leader’s assistant is and was my best friend and it was awful when i realized she had told my pastor intimate info about me and i didn’t know. but, once we talked and i asked her to please tell me before she told them anything else about me she agreed and we have had the same intimacy as before.”
Wow, SGMChick. I’m blown away that you so readily forgave your friend for tattling to the “SGM police”, and just “asked her to please tell you before she told them anything else.”
I’ve always thought the whole SGM “tattling” thing was sick. I know SGM parents that acted as though they couldn’t wait until the next caregroup meeting so they could share the “sins” recently committed by their children with the group – like it was a “brag worthy” event. They were constantly “looking” for sin in their children’s lives so they would have some “sin” to report each time. It was quite common.
Sick, sick, sick!
(Kris, add “we’re dealing with a ‘heart issue’” to your trademarked list.)
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:10 am
Funny…
My parents and grandparents never needed a care group or group of pastors to report their children’s “sins” to. They handled them just fine on their own. I don’t think they ever ran into anything that a good “tongue or bottom lashing” didn’t take care of. (Yeah, they spanked. And everyone appears to have benefited from it.)
Imagine that. No SGM reporting, “how to’s,” or parenting books.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:11 am
I remember coming across the phrase “applying grace to” someone in the Girl Talk blog and wondering what that could mean. I stopped reading and thought, well it must mean overlooking something and loving the person instead. Grace is about getting something good that we don’t deserve, right?
When I read on, I was very surprised and sad to see it meant nearly the opposite.
How can “applying grace” mean pointing out sin? I know the argument, it just doesn’t seem helpful as an everyday way of life.
I think God wants us to show love and care for each other, to help each other to heal from our hurts and get our needs met in good ways, to show we care in positive ways. Give practical help or advice and pray together. Learn to trust God thru this, too. Show someone how much God loves them! As someone trusts God more and follows His ways, the old ways are displaced. It’s not always easy but God is in control of this, too!
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:59 am
Btw…
My “tongue or bottom lashing” remark was made in fun and would *NEVER* be defined as abusive. It was always done in love and within reason.
I’m not sure how today’s parents have screwed up such tried and true parenting techniques. Strongwilled children tend to need such. Maybe there’s more complacent children in the world these days.
December 3rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Actually I talked to my best friend/CG Leader about it 2 nights ago and she said she doesnt hold to that philosophy anymore and would never go to a pastor with private information or share things that happened in caregroup; (i mean obviously she would if there was some huge thing, but it would be in the biblical model of going to the person, bringing in a couple others, etc…)
I thought the CO church plant was earlier… I thought I was much younger… I guess not :-p
My best friend at the time lived in Manassas and her parents were caregroup leaders, but I don’t know if they were leading then…
December 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Merlin,
Yes, there is selective reading of scripture and legalists overlook that “he sends the rain on the righteous and unrighteous.”
liz4cps,
How can “applying grace” mean pointing out sin?
>>>When I read on, I was very surprised and sad to see it meant nearly the opposite.
Unfortunately, this is all too common to change the definition of terms in order to maintain control of people. Grace means something else, a Shepard becomes a Care Group Leader (who only cares when you fit the mold), and legalism becomes pursuing a holy life. So, at first on the surface one thinks, “grace is good,” “a leader who cares” is good, and “pursuing a holy life” can’t be bad… but one must always look at the actions behind the terms that are used to see the real meaning.
December 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
“one must always look at the actions behind the terms that are used to see the real meaning.”
Yup!
December 7th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Revisiting RED FLAG: I took the liberty to use what Kris posted and remove the word cult and add things in several areas that happened to me. I hope this liberty is okay but it spoke to me and several folks I emailed it to.
Red Flags Re-Visited: Especially No. 5
No one ever wakes up one day and says, “Hey, you know? I think I’ll shame and abuse the flock today,” or “I think I’ll become an abusive leader.” Instead, gradual changes take place, usually involving the lure of power that slowly takes hold.
If you study spiritual abuse, you can get a feel for how this happens: despite differing manifestations of abuse in churches, there are common denominators. Several sources cited here point out the following traits and show just how it is a church can move from a healthy body to a dangerous one.
1. Elitism: We’re more special
One common finding in spiritually abusive groups is something called “elitism.” It’s a feeling that your vision for the church or the church at large is superior to that of others. Though all churches, and most leaders, feel that they are on the right path, that their doctrines or practices are what God wants, that alone isn’t elitism. Elitism happens when you look at other churches or individuals and believe that your vision or your practices are among the very few that really please God. It is a superiority complex that snares those that have low self worth and have delusions of being the greatest among many or the leader of many and will take any means to accompolish it. This initial pride and puffing up – that can begin so very subtly — ends up justifying any abusive behavior that follows.
2. Information control: Don’t trust the members
Another common denominator in abusive groups is something called milieu control. It is an attempt to control information available to members. This may start out as an innocent desire not to have heretical teachings invade the body. But this control becomes deadly in abusive groups. Before long, only those things approved by church leaders, and only material that portrays the church or leaders in a good light are allowed. Information is censored. Everything must go through the hands or control of the leader to make sure it is “appropriate,” “healthy” or “not divisive.” This can lead to tight control of information and eventually isolation from society at large, as certain information is deemed unholy or worldly and forbidden from members’ hands.
Anything the leadership wants you to believe is allowed and anything harmful to the image of the church, no matter how accurate or useful, is kept from members. In some only certain translations of the Bible are allowed. In others, only “correct” interpretations of scripture are tolerated. In some groups any information not originating from the headquarters is deemed unsafe. How does this start? How does this control over others’ lives and minds begin?
With a desire to control – perhaps at first a healthy desire to keep doctrine pure – that gets out of hand. Sometimes it begins as a shortcut to keep hassles from members to a minimum. Innocent beginnings, but they can lead to tragic endings.
3. Image, image, image
Milieu Control is strongly related to another red flag: Image Consciousness. Abusive churches/pastors are concerned about image. Sometimes, image is everything. This church has a vision superior to other churches or pastors specifically. To preserve that lofty status, anything negative must be quashed immediately, even if it is true. If a leader is caught in sin, the sin is quickly swept under the rug or a diversion tactic is used. If members leave no one is allowed to talk about it. This is COMMON practice in abusive churches and is close to idolatry, equating the church, or church leaders, to Christ himself.
4. Shame, flattery and manipulation
Image Consciousness, in many abusive churches, leads to harsh treatment and manipulation of members. To keep negative information from leaking out of the body, members are sometimes shamed or spoken against — sometimes from the pulpit. Ministries are whisked away from those who begin to ask questions, and ministries are used as rewards to “loyal” members who know how to keep quiet about the misdeeds of leaders, or who prove useful through slavish work or flattery of leaders. And in abusive groups, flattery goes both ways. Leaders know how to flatter and how to shame to keep the image of the church polished and gleaming.
5. Authoritarianism: I’m in control; you shut up
Another red flag is authoritarianism, the concentration of power in the hands of a few or sometimes even one person. Power is attractive to those that have felt over looked or are in meger positions. Power can be coveted and when found is unable to be used in a healthy manner for the good of others. The maxim power of one is often used to align others with them in inappropriate and unhealthy ways and on the flip side to malign those not in ‘favor’ which is dangerously corrupt on both accounts. Those in the church that are perceived as trouble makers or interferring, with how the pastor demands to be viewed, results in an attack to destroy credibility of anyone that dares to pose any question. Power and control corrupts leaders in various ways and there are numerous reactions to it. The most standard reaction in pastors suffering from the sickness of corruption is to divide and create factions by talking to individuals as if they are special to garner support and to go to those that will spread the concern on their behalf. Pastors will garner support for their position behind the scenes before presenting their ‘case’ so it will appear that everyone is on the same page. Anyone else speaking contrary to the issue of control is told to shut up, shamed and accused of being a gossip.
6. Two kinds of corruption
Some are lured by the financial aspects of power and begin to lavish on themselves gifts and luxuries. How does this happen? Possibly, these once godly leaders have sacrificed much over the course of their lives while watching other Christians live luxuriant lives. When the church begins to do well, they see this as a sign that it’s “their turn now,” that they deserve some blessings because they have served so long and so hard for very little. Soon, that feeling of dessert takes over and they feel entitled to more and more. Eventually some may even feel they deserve other men’s wives or multiple wives.
More dangerous, though, than leaders who fall to hedonistic ways are those who believe that because their vision for the church is direct from God that God’s mind and their mind are becoming fused. They soon begin to see their own actions as God’s. Anyone who opposes them is opposing God. When this happens, watch out. They won’t phrase it that way. They may not even realize what they are doing. They feel they have a special place as God’s best spokesperson. Because they are so special, they will steamroll over anyone in their way. Because they think they are anointed, they soon feel they have a role in rooting out imperfections among lesser Christians.
7. Excellence, or legalism?
These leaders can become more than just haughty; they can become harsh and demanding. They look down on others around them and puff themselves up, all the while stressing the need for humility. They begin to practice a perfectionism that kills. It won’t be called perfectionism. It might be called “striving for excellence” or “pursuing a holy life” or “giving God His due.” It becomes legalism and it drains the life out of individuals and churches, as members try harder and harder to meet standards that become out-of-reach. While members are whipping themselves for failing to perform, the preaching will be on grace. While members are burdened and shackled to legalistic aims, the sermons will be on freedom. But members are not feeling free or forgiven. They are loaded down with guilt and work and feelings of failure.
8. Calling concern “divisiveness”
Another red flag is a false call to unity. When authoritarian pastors want to quell dissention, they label even legitimate questions “divisive.” You are interfering with the unity of the brethren if you raise issues of concern. This tactic ensures a lockstep, zombie-like following and cements the abusive pastor into his place at the top. Who wants to be divisive? Who wants to cause trouble? Who wants to be spreading heresy or harboring a critical spirit or injecting division? (These are common phrases used against those expressing concerns about abusive leadership and serve as giant, fluttering red flags.) Most humble, sincere Christians concerned about wayward leadership will be cowed by such tactics. The abuses of the leader will continue unchecked.
9. When people slink out
The final red flag in this short overview is the telltale indication of trouble signaled by people leaving a congregation. If spiritual abuse is taking place, you might not catch on right away. People in manipulative groups will have been warned – subtly or otherwise – not to talk about church problems. They will be called weak or gossipers or immature if they mention why someone left. Those who leave also may suffer residual effects of controlling mechanisms in the church and say little about why they left.
If you notice an exodus of people from a congregation, it’s a sign to dig further and check for other signs of spiritual abuse.
These are just some of the roots of spiritual sickness to watch for in your congregation, but they seem the most common.