Larry Tomczak’s Story
December 2, 2011 in Sovereign Grace Ministries
From Larry Tomczak’s website comes the following:
THE TOMCZAK DEPARTURE FROM S.G.M. — WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
— Larry and Doris Tomczak (November 2011)
As you read of our time with Sovereign Grace Ministries, we are sharing some traumatic experiences, yet endeavoring to do so accurately and redemptively. I want to say at the outset that I am not blameless, but I at times yielded to a spirit of fear when told I “lacked discernment” and was at times cowardly when I should have addressed unrighteous behavior. Where we participated in any unredemptive treatment of God’s people, we ask for your forgiveness. Over the years Doris and I have met with numerous people to ask forgiveness and people have been most gracious to us. Feel free to contact us if you feel a need to revisit any past experiences. Thank you in advance for your mercy and love. Let us unite in prayer that what we communicate will help many, bring healing and glorify our Lord Jesus Christ.
“But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. So therefore do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones. So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.” Gen. 50:19-21
“Encountering departures and desertions from our ministries—we must see them as tutors—revealing our real motives and deficiencies in our methodology. These are tests from God. They will reveal our hearts.” -Dave Harvey, SGM Leader
Note: This quote appeared on the cover page of a paper I submitted to SGM leaders one year after our 1997 departure, “An Appeal for Repentance, Reconciliation and Closure.”
Five issues were highlighted at that time: 1) Pride, Sectarianism and Elitism 2) Self-righteousness and Judgmentalism 3) Blackmail and Intimidation 4) Lack of Integrity and Deceitfulness 5) Abuse of Spiritual Authority.
The paper cited the names of 61 former leaders who experienced mistreatment (the list is currently over 100) and included an appeal for a forum where “individuals with outstanding offenses and unresolved issues could be addressed…these issues will not simply fade away but will continue lingering for years until dealt with redemptively and honestly.” I received no response from any team leaders to the paper or appeal for adjudication. Date of submission: December 1998.
“The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them.” (I Tim.5:24)
Next year I will celebrate God’s faithfulness in my 40th year of full-time Christian ministry. At this juncture I sensed it would be helpful to tell the story of a painful turning point in my life and ministry.
Recently, I wrote a “Statement of Reconciliation” with CJ Mahaney, attempting to be as gracious and discrete as possible regarding specifics. But as more details surfaced on the Internet it became apparent that God wanted everything in the light. Our experience is not an isolated case. It is probably one of the most egregious and ignominious examples of deceit and abusive behavior surfacing in SGM at this time. But it did not create the crisis. Instead, it revealed how root issues have been ignored and left unaddressed for too long. May we all proceed in humility and mercy, mindful of Prov. 28:13, “He who conceals his sin will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes his sin will obtain mercy.”
After 24 years of service in the DC area with the “Take and Give Ministry” (TAG), cofounding Covenant Life Church in our home and then serving in leadership in Fairfax Covenant Church, I with my family departed disappointedly, yet hopefully, for better things in Atlanta in 1996. We knew for a number of years that I was being marginalized in Sovereign Grace Ministries (formerly People of Destiny International) and when differences with Reformed doctrine began surfacing, the tension only increased.
At a youth rally in Atlanta, one of our teen-age sons responded along with other youth to an appeal for living genuine Christian lives. That night at home he voluntarily shared with me areas of waywardness and his desire to change, but the door was now open to confront me for “failures at home” and “character deficiencies.” “Apostolic Team” leaders forbade me to be present for a later meeting with my son where he was told to “share all your sins” with the vow of their “confidentiality” (which was later broken).
Subsequently, the team said it “lost confidence in my leadership,” and agreed to a “leave of absence,” sending out a “letter of confession” written by me, then undergoing several revisions affirming SGM leadership and inserting material with which I was uncomfortable but required to include. At the church meeting announcing the shift, I was told to nod in agreement for the congregation to observe.
The agreed upon 6-12 month period was short-circuited when we experienced a pattern of spiritual abuse, deceit, harshness and hypocrisy (including premeditated blackmail, communicated and reaffirmed on numerous occasions and subsequently left to silence and hang over us for over a decade). The entire apostolic team and the new senior pastor and his staff participated in this. We also were told to consider uprooting to Virginia Beach or Phoenix, which we said we could not do because we did not sense this to be God’s will for our family. Criteria established for returning to my former role as senior pastor made that outcome an impossibility unless I embraced the Reformed doctrinal tenets (although people nationwide were deliberately misled with information to the contrary).
My wife and I finally left PDI when things finally reached the “untenable” point. It became for us a matter of conscience. Disingenuous public statements and letters sent nationwide misrepresented what actually happened and I was publically slandered at Covenant Life Church, called a “liar” (with guests and non-believers present) as the leader declared, “I’d rather be dead than do what Larry Tomczak is doing!” Local leaders were affirmed leading to an almost unanimous standing ovation. My reputation built upon 25 years in ministry, was debased nationally and abroad. My “Seven Reasons for Departing PDI” were not conveyed and for 13 years this perception remained in the public domain, separating our family from many relatives, friends and leaders in the Body of Christ. It also resulted in serious financial repercussions for us as a family of six.
For over a decade we tried to bring CJ and the apostolic team to account for the injustice, even enlisting nationally known leaders in the effort, but to no avail. Finally, in November of 2010 he consented. Years of confrontation by SGM leaders and CLC pastors along with the turmoil and defections of people in the network of churches brought CJ to the realization he needed to repent of longstanding sins, some of which were committed in our unfortunate departure. CJ later made a public confession of some of his transgressions at Covenant Life Church and announced a “leave of absence.” Many believe his confession was a start but was incomplete and minimized the severity of the issues. We were invited to the November SGM Pastors Conference and Covenant Life Church to speak on reconciliation, but the invitation was rescinded. At the conference CJ shared he regretted having taken the leave of absence.
CJ’s example, problems surfacing in churches affiliated with SGM, and Internet disclosures from a former apostolic team member were catalytic in some SGM leaders beginning to come forward to repent and rectify matters with our family. One former team member had already done so years previously, after experiencing abusive treatment leading to his departure. An independent advisory panel, Ambassadors of Reconciliation, has been retained to engage in a discovery process to help facilitate reconciliation with former members and leaders who believe they have been spiritually abused. The panel is also collecting information to assist with reforms needed in SGM as well as assist in determining CJ Mahaney’s future status.
May the Lord guide us all as we redemptively deal with past transgressions and find His grace manifested in this time of reconciliation, reform and discipline for Sovereign Grace Ministries. The changes are not cosmetic but substantive to effectively eradicate systemic issues and transform a leadership culture that has drifted from Biblical norms. Two of the churches in Revelation faced the practice of the Nicolaitans (“suppress the people”). One hated it; the other held to it (Rev.2:6 & 15). May SGM leaders align with the former.
To be faithful to criteria for Biblical leadership; to steer clear of the sin of favoritism and partiality; and to be consistent with what was expected of former SGM leaders, I believe senior leaders should step down for a season to be retooled for ministry according to I Pet. 5 and I Tim. 3 standards. Public repentance and public statements should be made along with restitution where appropriate. Then and only then, can the favor of Almighty God return in its fullness to this ministry and unity be restored. The warning of God’s “lampstand” (His Presence) being removed (Rev. 2:5) is very real when a church or ministry is being evaluated by Jesus and fails to respond. Many onlookers are hoping and praying that will not happen.
Then we all can pray like Nehemiah did after he instituted reforms to restore the walls of the city of God: “Remember me with favor, O my God.” (Neh. 13:31)
ps: Because the issues and contents of this statement have already been made public at church meetings and on the Internet for months, I sensed it was appropriate to release my story at this time. CJ and I are almost 40-year friends and our reconciliation statement still stands. In my study I keep a plaque he gave me decades ago. On it are the words: “My Brother, I would not be the man I am without your care and example. I am eternally indebted to you. Your Yokefellow, CJ.” I would add: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” (Prov. 27:6)
© 2011, Kris. All rights reserved.
MM #46. I agree with you. I’m feeling a bit…no, a lot, duped by all the guys who knew stuff and never spoke up loud enough so that EVERYONE would know.
Why is it that none of the hurt pastors didn’t speak up. Why didn’t Larry stand up at that church meeting, rather than sitting there nodding, and say “YOU ARE LYING!!!” I don’t get it.
Where did God and the Holy Spirit fit into the equation? Did ANY of these guys have a conscience? Why were they willing to allow all of God’s people be so disenfranchised for so so many years? I know that I NEVER would have even so much as dated-let alone marry- my SGM churches had I known how messed up things really were.
Maybe I’m just super naive or something.
I’m glad Larry spoke up. The more of them who “come out,” the harder it will be for SGM to hold onto their grip. They are slipping. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but at least, hopefully, the silenced ones will have a voice.
I’m sad and disheartened that the “blog folk” are pretty much worthless in the world’s eyes. We’ve been here for 4 years saying the same thing, over and over again. But, oh well, one day, someone will realize that we aren’t just “a small group of embittered people” as that SGM leader dude refers to us.
Anyway, I’m feeling pretty dang duped.
Yellow is a happy color,
Comment #45 –
The Tomczak kid was not the perp in our story.
Syndey 51 I guess we need to host a big event where everyone who knew better can repent from being too afraid to confront CJ. Do you think the IUP Campus is still available?
Is anyone on here from the Atlanta church and comfortable admitting it?
BT @#48 — well said. And I would add that we come to realize just how great is our need to depend on God and only Him. We need not feel good about ourselves, our goodness is in God and from God. In His sovereignty, He has ordained our suffering to show us Himself, our greatest treasure. Here’s a poem by John Piper. I repeat is to myself often.
Not Grace to bar what is not bliss,
Nor flight from all distress, but this;
It’s Grace that orders our trouble and pain
And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.
Praise His Holy and Sovereign Name.
I’d be interested to hear messages preached from pre “reformation” and compare them to now. I mean, obviously pastors are people and they grow and change, so I am not saying it’s bad if their focus has shifted some, but I’d be curious how much their focuses have shifted and what kinda stuff they were preaching way back when. ’cause I know some of it was poppycock, but I wonder if some of it was really good, simple truth that has now been traded for “deep theology”
Did anyone on here read “Waiting for her Issac” “The Courtship of Sarah Mclean” ummm.. anything by Jonathan Lindvall or Doug Phillips – these are the kind of men who were influencing Gregg Harris and other parents of my generation, so while Josh might have some stuff that was harmful in his books they were useful guides compared to this stuff. :)found this and it made me laugh – http://www.beforethekiss.com – “I recommend that anyone who is just starting out on a journey to find out more about courtship (young and old), should start off with the book, “The Princess and the Kiss”. This book lays the foundation and attitudes for courtship. It can be found in the courtship section of this website.
From there I would recommend The Courtship of Sarah Mclean and Jeff Mclean: His Courtship. These books lay out courtship in an easy-to-read story form. They are packed full of information about courtship that makes it easier to take in through story form. The Courtship of Sarah Mclean is written more from a girl’s prospective, and Jeff Mclean: His Courtship is written more towards a boy’s. I would recommend that you read both so that you can see both sides. Both of these books can be found in the courtship section of this website.
From there I would move on to the book Her hand in Marriage. This is a no fluff, give-me-the-facts-about-courtship book. For people who would like to get straight to the point, you might want to skip the Sarah and Jeff books and go straight from The Princess and the Kiss to here.
Then I would move on to the CD How to Evaluate a Suitor. This would be especially for Dads, but I recommend that all involved listen to this. That way you will all be on the same page.
After that I would start with the preparing for courtship section. Here you will find life lessons on how to prepare to meet your life-long mate.
Don’t forget about the related items. The CD by Jill Moore would be wonderful to have playing while you are reading the books.”(i am only partially joking… ) http://www.beforethekiss.com/courtship.html ROFL – wow with titles like “Before You Meet Prince Charming…” what girl wouldnt get swept away – this is why I wasnt crazy about IKDG, ’cause I Was so off the deep end his stuff sounded worldly ;)
Nice poem Oswald,
It’s hard to explain how we come to depend on the approval of the church and it’s leaders to a point where it is like a drug addiction. Add to this that we’re told that if we ever try to break that addiction that we will be in rebellion to God and all kinds of bad things will happen to us. Breaking this addiction is tough, but the only way is to go cold turkey. As I’ve said, that means you don’t jump into another church to get another fix. It’s true that there are those who leave churches like this and go downhill, but that’s just because their rebellion has changed from legalistic to heathenistic. It was the same rebellion but just channeled in different directions.
I won’t go into details, but for the several years I was involved in this kind of church system it was like I couldn’t buy a break in my life. This was especially true in finances, and I was a faithful tither. I kept thinking it was just the devil fighting me because I was serving God. When I got out of that church God began to move and one break after another opened up for me. I’ve continued to see favor all these years. It was like God was saying “I’ve been waiting on you to start trusting me instead of a church.” I know firsthand other stories where people got out of an unhealthy church system, began trusting in God’s grace, and their lives turned around.
BT @#57 — So you came to see that God was truly there to sustain you in the darkness and lead you to the light. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
As has been said (I’m sure several times) I don’t think it so much the individual issues as how these issues are used at places like SGM. I would describe myself as Reformed/Charismatic/Complementarian, but the churches I experienced the most problems with were thoroughly Arminian and Egalitarian. I think the same goes for the homeschooling and dating. The problem is the underlying Discipleship/Shepherding attitude that feeds into a parental attitude among the leaders. They sincerely believe that if they don’t take a strict level of control over their parishioners lives then they won’t truly live for God.
Oswald,
Yes that is correct :)
Been there#59-I work with someone who is arminian and egalitarian and she is a piece of work. I too would think of myself as reformed/ charismatic/complentarian. However, i don’t think sgm knows what it means to be reformed.
“Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
This is going to seem kind of random, and will probaby end up being too long-winded, but a couple of recent comments have helped to flesh out an idea that’s been floating around in my thoughts for awhile…
First of all, yesterday, “Argo” wrote this:
Then “Been There” shared this:
I think these two comments go a long way toward explaining the almost impossible-to-understand allure that SGM holds for people. I’ll be honest, many times over the past 4 years, people have shared with me their stories of terrible manipulation/control/spiritual abuse at the hands of their SGM pastors…and while my heart always aches over these stories, there’s a part of me that has a difficult time really grasping what it is that makes people stick around for as long as they do, taking the abuse for as long as they take it. I mean, yeah – I can understand elements of what makes people want to remain in their SGM churches. I get that for many, because they took their leaders’ instructions seriously and did indeed make other members of their local church “closer than family,” leaving church would mean jeopardizing all their most meaningful relationships. I also get that it’s easy to feel paralysis at the thought of having to go out “church shopping” again, particularly if one sincerely believes that the only churches with fully “sound doctrine” will be both Reformed and continuationist.
But the full scope of SGM’s magnetism for people, particularly people who have realized that they have been mistreated, manipulated, and controlled – well…it’s hard to understand.
But – and here’s the thought that’s been floating around in my brain for awhile, the thought that the two comments I quoted have sort of helped to gel – I think SGM holds such a deep and abiding attraction for its members because there is within all of us a drive to find The Perfect Answer and then yield ourselves to it.
I think there’s something built into human beings that simply longs to yield ourselves fully to perfection.
And while to those of us who are Christians, the obvious object of our yieldedness is going to be the Lord Jesus – the only Perfect One – it’s very easy to confuse yielding to Jesus with yielding to a particular church system…especially if a particular church system is pretty much built around the notions of yieldedness and its own perfection.
I go back and forth in my thinking about whether this was done deliberately, by design, or not (right now, I’m leaning toward not), but SGM is a church system that up until just recently has always presented itself as about as close to perfect as one can get. There was a great deal of pride in the humility of SGM’s leaders. There was a great deal of pride in the notion that SGM’s pastors were held to a much higher standard than ordinary pastors. Within SGM, you didn’t have to be caught in some nasty sex scandal to be defrocked – you could be made to step down for far more nebulous sins like “pride” or the “fear of man.”
SGM’s purposefully non-churchy lingo – referring to their services as “meetings” or “gatherings,” calling sermons “teachings,” refusing to admit they are indeed a denomination – was also a way to set the organization apart from other churches. So was the SGM’s in-house music, its conferences, its Pastors College. As one of the comments I quoted said, SGM created a totally contained little universe that – deliberately, it seems – was set apart from (superior to) the rest of Evangelical Christianity.
So SGM has for many years presented itself as different and better. (To those of you who don’t like this characterization, think about SGM’s approach to “missions,” which has – until recently – been strictly about planting more SGM churches in areas with the usual upper middle class demographic, where there have already existed multitudes of other good, Bible-based gospel-proclaiming churches. If SGM did not believe that it is superior and offers something better than these other churches, why would it ask its church planting groups to sacrifice so much just to plant another SGM church somewhere where there are already plenty of other good churches?)
In addition to presenting itself as practically perfect, with ideally humble pastors who have ideal marriages and ideal families, SGM also has in place many deep-seated beliefs, teachings, and systems that require total yieldedness from its members. Just read the transcript of CJ’s oldie-but-goodie Happiest [Dearest] Place sermon. Yes, it’s true that in the past couple of years, some SGM pastors have been shying away from the “Submit to and obey your pastors, because God wants happy pastors” spiel. But it’s still deeply embedded in the culture. Members are expected to open themselves up and believe that their pastors have some special unique ability to know their sins and their hearts better than they themselves do. Members are expected to go to their small groups and make themselves accountable to the other group members. For years and years, members were expected to happily entertain others’ “observations” about possible sins they might be committing.
Yieldedness – it is a natural state of mind within SGM. SGMers by default need to be fully yielded to the SGM way of thinking about pretty much everything…or at least be quiet about where they’re forging their own way.
Combine the image that SGM works so hard to protect and project – an image of near-perfection – with that hardcore yieldedness, and I think SGM becomes a perfect storm for a lot of people, particularly those who love the idea of being able to trust their near-perfect leaders to do all the hard thinking for them.
And, because there is plenty within the New Testament that does sort of blur the lines between Christ and the “Body of Christ” and church-as-we-now-know-it, yielding to the SGM system does not necessarily automatically have to be wrong…particularly initially, if the yielded person is still submitting himself in his thoughts first of all to Jesus.
I think yieldedness, combined with the triumph of believing you’ve found near-perfection, produces in people a glorious euphoria. And, like I said, especially at the beginning, if you’re still thinking primarily of Jesus as the recipient of your yieldedness (and believing that He is merely using your SGM pastor and church as a tool to get you there), there will be this wonderful sense of victory, of tremendous growth.
I think people get hooked on that sense of “yielding-to-the-perfect,” and the euphoria that it produces.
But somewhere along the line, the lines blur, and the system (because it is here and now and visible) takes on a much stronger life of its own. The system moves to the foreground and Jesus is relegated to the role of “The Savior.” Pastors and programs consume a whole lot more of one’s time, as does thinking about one’s sins and trying, always trying, to do more to eradicate sin.
Pretty soon, cracks begin to surface…
Something happens, and it becomes obvious that the near-perfect place actually might be riddled with problems. And the yieldedness – well, it becomes a channel for abuse. But by that time, a person is so confused, and so dependent upon the old euphoria, that the idea of seeing the system for what it is is practically beyond comprehension. The idea of actually leaving the system can produce near panic.
I think this is how I would now explain SGM’s great pull on people, even those who have been harmed by SGM.
WOW. I remember reading the original official letter from SGM explaining that Larry had become the red-headed stepchild. At the time, I was suspicious, but several hundred miles away and far too insignificant to the SGM machine to even think about asking questions.
The part about him being told to nod in assent in a public meeting is a good snapshot of a bigger picture. Even Larry appears to have been ingrained with the idea that so many of us accepted, i.e., “I must be gracious and magnanimous in accepting criticism/discipline/spiritual homicide because it’s more important to protect the guys who are abusing me because they are ‘godly’ than to let truth stand up to scrutiny.”
That, in a nutshell, is the cool-aid. Condensed, unreconstituted, no-sugar-added — pure, unadulterated poison. And we guzzled as if it was communion wine.
Somehow, by being quiet, we thought we were protecting the name of Christ. No. We were protecting and enabling a bunch of power-hungry, money-grubbing spiritual tyrants.
No more. No more. Tell the truth in love — be discreet to protect victims, but completely truthful — let truth be open to the public, and let the chips fall where they may.
Kris,
Good thoughts. I think volumes and volumes of books could be written on this, and we’d still only scratch the surface. I don’t know about others, but I was in fundamentalist circles up to my early 20’s so I was conditioned for this kind of church atmosphere. The idea of unconditional surrender to spiritual authority is so pervasively taught in evangelical circles that no one ever thinks to question it. I also think that we’re so broken as a society that a significant number of Christians longggg to be approved by an authority figure.
I’ve never been to an SGM church, but I do know they are a unique network that believes in both reformed doctrine and continuation of the gifts. For decades there has been a hunger for churches that both teach sold doctrine and have the life of the Spirit in their services. Since SGM markets to this segment I can see how they grew so rapidly. My guess is there are many who see the problems, but just like you said; if you’re looking for a church that is both reformed and non-cessationist then what are your options if you leave? While there is a generally unhealthy atmosphere, I would venture that not everyone feels the effects in the same way so those who feel it on a lesser level probably decide to stick it out and believe God will bring change.
Are CJ’s deleted confessions just more search engine marketing?
How come when you Google images of CJ, there is nothing but professional photographs with him and great theologians strategically placed on assorted websites? What ever happened to his life before the RBD’s?
Weird.
Sidney said, “I’m feeling a bit…no, a lot, duped by all the guys who knew stuff and never spoke up loud enough so that EVERYONE would know.
Why is it that none of the hurt pastors didn’t speak up. Why didn’t Larry stand up at that church meeting, rather than sitting there nodding, and say “YOU ARE LYING!!!” I don’t get it.
Where did God and the Holy Spirit fit into the equation? Did ANY of these guys have a conscience? Why were they willing to allow all of God’s people be so disenfranchised for so so many years? I know that I NEVER would have even so much as dated-let alone marry- my SGM churches had I known how messed up things really were.”
Sidney, I feel just the same way. I appreciate the men and women stepping forward and telling the truth now, but I, too, feel betrayed by those who KNEW the dirty stuff and kept their mouths closed. What could possibly have been your motivation to not stand up and broadcast the truth way back then? To think of the thousands who could have been spared a lifetime of agony if only no one had been willing to be a cog in the dirty wheel of SGM.
Spelling correction:
In above post: sold doctrine should be solid doctrine.
For those who are upset at the leaders who didn’t come forward I’d just say that you should probably remember that they were captive in many ways to the same system as you were. They didn’t speak up for the same fears that many of you wouldn’t speak up. And let’s be honest, even if they did wouldn’t they have been condemned, shunned, and marginalized? Wouldn’t most have disbelieved what they said as coming from those who rebelled against their spiritual authority?
BeenThere (#69), I think you are right. They were captive too.
And I think they didn’t know how much was right for them to say. They were believing the story we were all told about how gossip was bad and complaining was bad. They were afraid to drop a bomb and upset everyone.
And it’s also true that there are folks who would have quit trusting them as soon as they spoke up. For some people who are loyal, the only people who can be trusted are the ones who have a good opinion of PDI/SGM.
Been There 69
Are you saying members’ only recourse is to vote with their feet?
Been there, I got kicked out of SGM because as soon as I found out anything (after 15 years), I was given the left foot of fellowship. Many of us did speak up the moment we found out something was amiss.
I do believe that many would have been marginalized, condemned and shunned. Just as I and hundreds others were.
My question and feelings of betrayal come from the fact that these brothers were in my heart, my brothers. I and many others here, spoke up on their behalf. Yet they spent years in silence.
Not only do they need to ask themselves why, the rest of us need to recognize when we are doing this in our present lives and in our future.
Do I feel betrayed? Yes. That is appropriate. Am I kind of grossed out that I actually believed some of these men and women to have had integrity when I now realize they were scared little children who wouldn’t stand up “for the least of these”? Very. Again, I find it appropriate to be concerned about the deception. Aren’t you, as well?
Many of these “leaders” PREACHED and tried to force integrity down the throat of thousands, all the while they knew of dirty back room deals and did nothing to inform thousands of people about it. This was truly the case of leaders strapping weights onto the backs of others that they themselves refused to carry.
You said, “Wouldn’t most have disbelieved what they said as coming from those who rebelled against their spiritual authority?”
You are 100% correct. But that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have spoken out. Doing what’s right never has anything to do with the outcome, it has to do with what is right.
Speaking as one who was (as you said), “condemned, shunned, and marginalized”, I can tell you that I have little admiration for those who would choose cover ups to exposing the truth and rescuing hundreds along the way. Even if the hundreds don’t believe you initially, you tried your best. That is all we can ask.
Stunned, Sidney, others,
When pastors (and Apostles) are removed there is probably some understanding about how the separation will go. There likely will be a positive or neutral reference sent to future employers. There is probably one, two or three months of continued pay as the separated pastor leaves the church and perhaps the area. The degifted may be permitted to remain on church health plans for up to a year.
There are many ways to keep an ex-employee from causing too much trouble after separation. And those I mentioned are just a few from the business world. There are likely other more unique things in the ministry world that defrocked pastors would need as they venture out into the non-SGM world. (Imagine the hold they had on Keith in Colo to degift him yet insist he continue attending a SGM church!)
So don’t judge them too harshly for not speaking out. Their world gets rocked and they think of their family first. These pastors are not in any position to point out the problems in SGM at the time. I don’t blame them and even admire their ability to carry on under such dire circumstances. (You have read how devastating it is to be asked to leave a church that you attend…imagine if your livelihood was also tied up in that church!)
Jim over at Refuge would be a great one to comment on the particulars in an SGM court martial. As would any of the abused pastors posting here.
Stunned,
I completely agree that people are responsible to do what is right no matter what the expected outcome may be.
In the Nick of Time,
For starters, I am not talking about pastors who have lost their jobs and who are going through the devastation of trying to figure out how to feed their kids. In many SGM situations where the pastor came up through the ranks from regular member to leader to pastor, the pastors who got to that point had sold out their integrity as well as the weakest people in their church LONG before that. Back when they were still homegroup leaders and first saw the dirt and the filth, back BEFORE they ever had any job on the line, these “men” (I use the term loosely) CHOSE to turn their back on love and truth for selfish gain. For the praise of man over pleasing God and loving others. These acts were acts of cowardice and dispicable in the Lord’s sight.
I pity them because they are mere humans and as we all know, it can really suck to be a human. But I find zero pity for them because somehow they didn’t have any choice to speak up back the very first time they were confronted with the truth and chose to sit on it. I understand that for some of them and I even bet most of them, there were moments that they believed the lie that covering it up was best for others. But I also don’t believe for one cotton pickin’ moment that God did not work double hard to convict them and that nearly every single one of them purposely hardened their hearts against loving their fellow man in order to receive the praise of others. Again, dispicable to betray someone lower on the ladder than you in order to garner favor from someone higher up. I ask you not to think of this too lightly.
PS. If they are thinking of their family first, then they best consider the example they are setting for their children. Will they put their trust in their heavenly father and do what is right and leave the consequences in God’s hands or will they continue to worship at the feet of fear?
I have no doubt that you are right that I am being too harsh. I tend to do that when I see people being destroyed and the people who are doing the damage have yet to repent, yet are quick to be given “awww, they couldn’t help it” passes.
In the Nick of Time,
Would you please forgive me? I spoke much too harshly to you and to others. I have been sitting here praying, trying to figure out what is going on. I still don’t know, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that much more is happening or rather, much more needs to happen. (I mean, I know that’s obvious to everyone.) For some reason I am very unsettled and worried that we might get our eyes off of some of the people who are still being affected. (Effected? I am too tired to try to figure that out right now.)
I am so aware of the people whose lives have been ripped apart (we’re talking marriages and families here- far beyond provision) because people DIDN’T speak up. (Didn’t mean to yell there, just emphasizing.) I read those who feel for Larry and Doris right now (which is good, really), but I can’t help but think of the 3 or 4 women whose lives were forever changed because of whatever it was that the blackmailing was taking place over. How could these women have been somehow forgotten in all of this disgusting mess? (Not saying you specifically are forgetting them.)
This is all so gut wrenching and I am afraid I vomited my wrenched guts all over you tonight. Please know I have no hard feelings toward you whatsoever and I regret my tone in my previous post. I really do not want to cause you any pain or grief. I am terribly sorry for doing that.
In Him,
Stunned
who is a bit of a jerk some days and apparently tonight is one of them
Stunned and intheNickoftime –
Both of your feelings are very honest and I would say that a person could experience both avenues of emotion at the same time toward most of the leaders. We could even say that all the leaders that are no longer a part of SGM have gone through abuse themselves and, yet, some were also part of dishing out the abuse. And so they are experiencing the pain themselves now.
One thing that is really irritating me right now, especially after reading your post Nick, is how CJ and his relatives have all fled to greener pastures. In fact, they left with pay – able to continue to care for their families, some with generous severance agreements, while SO many other pastors and members were shamed, shunned, ruined financially, not knowing how they would provide for their families and care for their broken children, wives and even themselves. At the moment I am really feeling sick about these injustices.
My only peace is that God is well aware of all of it and the motives in every heart, as well as the fact that He can restore every broken person. As Kris said above, I’m not thinking that it was somehow planned this way, but I am trusting that our Lord does have the plan in place to bring it to an end before anymore lives are shattered.
Bridget – #77;
“One thing that is really irritating me right now, especially after reading your post Nick, is how CJ and his relatives have all fled to greener pastures. In fact, they left with pay – able to continue to care for their families, some with generous severance agreements, while SO many other pastors and members were shamed, shunned, ruined financially, not knowing how they would provide for their families and care for their broken children, wives and even themselves. At the moment I am really feeling sick about these injustices”.
:goodpost Absolutely!! I wonder if C J and extended family even know the sick worries of financial insecurity.
Dan said:
“Absolutely!! I wonder if C J and extended family even know the sick worries of financial insecurity.”
If you want an example of CJ’s extended family NOT knowing about financial problems look at what Mahaney’s daughter and son in law Nicole and Steve Whitacre have been reporting about adopting a child from Ethiopia. Despite Steve Whitacre recently resigning his position as an SGM pastor (and thus being unemployed) he still has the money to fly to Ethiopia (2 times) and pay whatever others costs there are for adoption.
One can find these reports on Twitter and the “girl talk” blog. Been following the “girl talk” blog to see if Carolyn again characterizes what they are going through as “slander” etc. again.
I am not criticizing their adoption. That is quite giving to do. I am just pointing out that for most people if they loose their job they would have to either postpone or cancel an adoption with these kind of expenses.
With this couple despite the self imposed job loss they continue with their plans. I am sure that CJ Mahaney’s wealth he built over the years is helping to finance this couple during Steve Whitacre’s term of unemployment. Last I heard, CJ Mahaney was even still being paid even with his stepping down for a supposed “season” of evaluation.
There seems to be a struggle here about whether Larry deserves sympathy or not and whether he (and other pastors who were ousted) bear responsibility or not. I think there is a “both/and” going on here.
I have studied dysfunctional family and church systems and cults, but not lately. The realistic answer is probably something like: Yes, Larry and the other ousted pastors are absolutely 100% responsible for their own lack of discernment, thier sustained and willful denial, and failure to act. And then: Yes the system they were in is 99.9% culpable in the coersion, indoctrination and confusion of these people. These systems are nothing short of evil in thier lust for control and the biblical spin they wrap it in. (The .1% they are not culpable is reserved for the deceived person themselves, who chose to not listen to that little voice somewhere inside them telling them that something was wrong.)
As with me and many of you, it took abuse to wake Larry up. It is probably like an addiction: no one changes until the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing.
I wish I could “like” all of the comments in this and the last thread. You all are encouraging, validating and very instightful. Also, I remember liking Larry’s book “Divine Appointments” and hearing him speak about it back in the day. I was very influenced and inspired by his ideas regarding seeing God’s possible purpose in every “chance” meeting. Glad he woke up. He probably did not speak up more publicly sooner for fear that SGM would further ruin him. They are ruthless. Too bad it was too late to prevent more people from being hurt. I have those regrets too, but on a much smaller scale.
Don’t forget-Nicole Whitacre was the co-author of Girl Talk, and probably has/had quite an income stream there, which would have been in addition to the regular paycheck. Possibly, this extra income was set aside so they may have a large amount of savings.
I mean Girl Talk the book, not the Girl Talk blog
For Sidney #51
I hope to encourage…
There is a time to every season… And the drumbeats of the voices on these blogs over these last four years that would not be silenced and would not go away would not cease and refused to stop, has accomplished much, much more then realized in the Kingdom of God.
And maybe just maybe, these “little sheep voices” that would not be silenced, have enabled some of the Brent’s and Larry’s to find their voice. And maybe just maybe, others of them will too. God’s word says that the wheat and tares grow up together “until harvest time,” and the majority of the bloggers here have shown themselves to be wheat, the true church, in form, in practice and in heart. Haven’t so much been able to see any of that that within the SGM leadership (not in 17years, and not so much lately). And God is clear what will happen to the tares when it’s all said and done.
So please see this as Jesus, the Righteous Judge who has heard your cries and seen the tears of all the broken ones, and who is over all, and who is even now at work to bring about His Justice. In Revelation 5 it talks of the “golden bowls of incense that rise up to Him, which are the prayers of all the saints,” He has heard every prayer. And He is responding, this is His Time and He is responding, He will heal, He will bind up the broken and He will give them a New Song to sing.
And those on the “leadership-side” of SGM have an opportunity to respond to Him in true gut-wrenching repentance, and amen and amen if they do, but that does not change His gaze on His beloved broken ones, and that does not alter His love and His plans for them. Over all the “whys and the when’s” and the human element of timing, this is God’s time to shine the light on what needs to be exposed, so that His true bride can shine with absolute radiant beauty. Take heart, Jesus is leading this battle and He’s our read-guard forever and for always.
Blessings,
MANM
Nickname@25 on Refuge says this:
THIS expresses so much of what I feel. I’m glad LT came forward and said his piece. Even though I feel it should have happened long ago. Now SGM will have a much harder time brushing away Brent’s testimony/docs. SGM can not minimize the Survivors and their stories. They will not be able to contain all of this…collateral damage. :(
Standing with my sister, Stunned.
I suffered similar abuse from the same people in the same place (covenant FULL OF IT!) and I have the same anger at the lack of character amongst these men.
Men that are so patriarchal cloaked in terms like complementarism,(are the women ever advantaged in that system.)
Those men who are so proud of themselves for having a Y chromosome, why have so precious few ever grown a set?
And, why are some more equal than others? How many of us have been telling our stories for years and years, for some of us years before the blogs and now, thanks to Guy and Kris and Jim and Carole and others, our voices are united but we are still shoved to the side to make room for the great Larry T. or the grand Brent D.?
It is time to question everything you take for granted and elevate one person and no other and that is Jesus Christ, someone that doesn’t seem to get a lot of attention from narcissists like CJ and DHarvey who are still gawking into Erised while their world decays.
Been There #48 :goodpost
And, can any of you tell me if the following would be a mindset pressed into the children of SGM? This is from Gothard’s site under courtship:
The foundational command for the happiness and success of any marriage is “Honour thy father and thy mother” (Exodus 20:12). God emphasized the seriousness of this command by giving the following penalty for breaking it: “For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him” (Leviticus 20:9).
Steve,
RE your #79, you’re right – foreign adoption is expensive, and a family in ordinary circumstances would likely have to put such plans on hold if the main breadwinner up and quit his job the way Steve Whitacre did.
Matter of fact, don’t you have to establish economic stability in order to be approved for adoption?
I got an email the other day from a reader who assured me that none of the pastors at CLC do that well financially. This person said that he/she has been in several of the pastors’ homes, and they are merely ordinary older houses, nothing fancy. And that the one Mahaney daughter and her family only moved in with CJ and Carolyn because they were about to lose their home. Or something like that.
I’ve always said that I don’t think SGM pastors are in it for the money, as though they wish to live lives of luxury and conspicuous consumption. From everything I’ve heard, SGM pastors do a pretty good job of “living normally.”
But…logic would have it that most SGM pastors must nonetheless earn a fairly decent salary, in order to afford to own a house and have a wife who (typically) does not work outside the home.
And the Mahaney family especially seems to be kind of free ‘n’ easy, with their gigantic group vacations…as well as the ability to quit a job in a seemingly nonchalant way. I know that if Guy got ticked at his bosses, he wouldn’t have the luxury of being all vague about what his future plans were (“Oh, I may go to seminary…or I may plant a church”). And we wouldn’t be able to afford a foreign adoption. We’d need the savings for something else, like paying the mortgage and buying groceries.
Brokenhearted #56. You said “I mean, obviously pastors are people and they grow and change, so I am not saying it’s bad if their focus has shifted some”
1. Their focus didn’t change “some.”
2. They changed things and never told anyone.
In normal christianity, when things change, they TELL you.
Didn’t the catholic church just go through some big changes? I’ve been hearing about it from my FB friends for months. They all knew what was going on at the Vatican. They weren’t kept in the dark. The priests even did classes on what the changes would be. That way, people know what’s going on. In SGM, it doesn’t happen that way.
Kris: “…most SGM pastors must nonetheless earn a fairly decent salary, in order to afford to own a house and have a wife who (typically) does not work outside the home.”
When you add up a salary calibrated at a minimum to the average income of the average upper-middle class SGM congregant + benefits, plus significant clergy tax breaks, plus regular “offerings” of free services, free vacations, gift cards, etc. from cowed members hoping to buy approval from their pastor-judges, we’re talking real money.
Kris and Been There,
When trying to undersatnd the “pull” or “yieldedness” of SGM I believe one must factor in the aspect of deception, the notion that people who give their allegiance and loyalty to SGM, through their membership, are actually giving themselves over to being spiritual deceived. And it is not by the power of Christ they become deceived, it is by the power of satan they are deceived. This is why it is very dangerous to be a member of a SGM church. The deception they propogate in order to obtain an individual’s loyalty, and control over that individual is demonic and not of our Father in heaven. This is why you can present very sound and compelling evidence, demonstrating horrendous abuse and yet members of SGM reject it out of hand. They do this because they cannot see or comprehend the truth of sound reason …… because they will not let go of a faulty grid or paradigm that precludes them from processing things rightly. This is why those who come out of SGM churches often say things like, “I woke up, I saw something, I realized.” This is the language of someone having a revelation or an epiphany. It is reflective of someone coming out of darkness and into the light. I believe to be completely free from the grip and power of SGM’s deception and oppression one must actually renounce and repudiate the loyalty, faith, and allegiance they gave to them in the first place. It is similar to being delivered from something evil. I want to stress, I’m not saying the men who promote SGM doctrine and practice are evil. I am saying their doctrine and application are evil. They are deceived men (believing something to be true that is actually false), propogating what they absolutely believe to be of God, and good for the people. When in actuality it is destructive, dangerous, abusive, opprssive, and of the devil. This is why I am not for reform. I am for SGM folding up shop and the churches becoming independent or associated with another spiritually healthy organization. This is also why I can have mercy on the leaders of SGM. I view them as paralyzed (deceived men) in wheelchairs (as an analogy). They cannot get up and walk without the miracle power of God affecting their lives, opening their minds, and enabling to walk (to see clearly). This is why so many of us become frustrated as to why the are not able to see the obvious and respond to simple and logical reasoning. At times we (those trying to help them see) can be like someone standing over a cripple person in a wheelchair, yelling and screaming at them to get up and walk. They cannot walk (see) until God does a miracle in their hearts and minds and delivers them from the spiritual bondage they have embraced. And this does not excuse them from their behavior/sins, it just helps those who are bringing truth to them to have mercy and to realize that ultimately, our battle is not against flesh and blood but against powers, pricipalities, and a host of wickedness in heavenly places.
The most merciful thing we can do for those who remain deceived is to continue to insist that the truth be told, that they walk in the light, and publically confess and repent of their sins, ……. we must remain tenacious in our desire for this because, I believe, it is God’s desire and the way He has provided for all of us to be set free whenever we become entangled by sin. Until SGM leaders embrace and accept the truth of what has actually happened as a result of them being deceived, … until they listen to God speaking, through the Body of Christ, who is bringing redemptive correction to them, then and only then, will they be set free.
I am confused. If Larry has forgiven and reconciled then why keep bringing it up?
Krys (#63) said:
What fooled me, when I first attended a SGM church, was the *appearance* of perfection in the form of the church community. I witnessed families caring for families in much the same way as described in Acts 2. The pastor had a refreshing air of authority, compared to the flimsy messages and political correctness common to pulpits in the US. The weeks turned into months and we became more and more involved in the culture: caregroups, outreach activities and “opportunities to serve”. The first year went by and I had this nagging feeling that “something is not right here, but I can’t put my finger on it”. Others on this blog have asked members why they didn’t leave at that point. In retrospect, that seems obvious. But the actual answer is more involved: SGM participation becomes a full emersion into a way of life, consuming a large portion of your after-work hours. When dozens (?) of your peers reinforce “Wasabi, you are second guessing the pastors because you are PROUD and have sinful judgment”, and misuse scripture to remind you of the deceitfulness your heart (Jer 17:9) – it takes the cow prod of the Holy Spirit to make one take action. It took many years in this culture before I was able to discern specific sermons and doctrines that directly conflicted with scripture. Over the course of eight years I confronted the pastors on several occasions, and then finally voted with my [family’s] feet. As others have pointed out, it is very analogous to an addiction or the proverbial frog in the boiling water – the initial ‘high’ (in my case, perceiving to belong to an Acts 2 church), turns into a form of bondage the longer one is subjected to the SGM indoctrination.
Krys, I’d like to suggest a topic for a post. This blog does an excellent job at identifying what’s wrong with SGM. For two years post-SGM, I thought I was alone in my discernment — continually wondering if I wasn’t just making mountains out of molehills — until I stumbled across Survivors. In the last six months there have been hundreds, if not thousands, of members leaving SGM churches. I have now been able to help several of these brothers – identifying errors in SGM culture and then pointing them to scripture….an ex-addict helping others with detoxification. Along these same lines, why not dedicate posts to specific issues that can help with Detox? That is, occasional posts directed to a specific audience. Thoughts?
Kris 63, Mole:
:goodpost :goodpost :goodpost
Mole,
:goodpost
A few days ago, I received an email from a leader within SGM who attempted to make the case that with their expressions of disapproval over CJ, Josh Harris and CLC are merely continuing the bad practice of sin-sniffing…and that poor CJ has been trying to reject the sin-sniffing for years…and that CJ is actually being very humble about the charges against him.
I really appreciated that this leader took the time to interact with me and lay out his case the way that he did, and I’ve been trying to come up with some sort of response to him that would be both respectful AND truthful. But honestly, every time I go to write him back, I find myself stymied. I just can’t understand how any thinking person would continue to have such a desire to “believe the best” about CJ.
I mean, really. What is with this baloney about CJ trying to move SGM away from sin-sniffing? That is so totally untrue!
CJ Mahaney is a man who was able to shift an entire denomination onto a completely different doctrinal path (hyper-Charismatic/kinda Arminian to Puritan Reformed) over the course of just a couple of years. Up until recently, CJ continued to wield a tremendous amount of power over all SGM pastors. If CJ wanted to tone down SGM’s obsession with sin, he could easily have done so. But instead, as recently as just two summers ago, he was still propagating his “Obey your pastors because they know your sins better than you do” message. He also has had his ghost writer compose several blog posts that focus on sin – his own, and the sins of celebrities like Bill Belachick and Tiger Woods.
It is so totally ludicrous to think that CJ was doing ANYTHING to move SGM away from sin-sniffing and legalism, because if he had been, he would have directed more of his ghost writer’s energy toward blogging about that, rather than blogging still more about sin.
Instead, it’s far more logical to think that CJ is just as human and fallible as the rest of us and is simply trying to distance himself from the doctrine that is now coming back to bite him in his own booty. It’s far more realistic to think that CJ only dislikes sin-sniffing when it’s being directed at him.
Yet obviously, my email correspondent is not alone among SGM leaders in tossing aside all logic and continuing to believe in CJ. And I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand what magic it is that CJ works on these people, that they will turn their backs on all logic and all evidence and see a completely upside-down version of reality.
So I have not yet responded to this SGM leader. I simply don’t know how to phrase up anything that would convey my thoughts in a nice way. I just want to take these guys and shake them by the shoulders and say, “Think!!! BE REAL!!!! CJ is just trying to preserve himself and his power and he’s LYING to you!!!! And you’re believing him! That’s stupid!”
But that would not be very nice. Sigh.
Mole #90, Amen! And to all who were raised in SGM, the honorable thing you can do for your parents is to truly seek God alone, not seek your parents, not seek their church, seek God only, no more idols!!! We are deceived as adults because we choose to be deceived. What is it that you are hanging on to? Many years ago I picked up a counterfeit spirit to the Holy Spirit. I picked it up at Toronto. When I discovered my deception I kept begging God to reveal to me why I was deceived. Friends told me that if my heart was right and if I was truly seeking God during my time there that I would not or could not be deceived. But I WAS. Finally, God brought to my remembrance about how I had just quietly in my heart stuffed a sense during one meeting that something was wrong, the reason I stuffed it? Because I had worked very hard to earn the money for the week long trip that I was looking so forward to. And at the moment I sensed something amiss I said to myself, this HAS to be GOD, because of all I went through to get there. When I confessed that the money and time was more important than the genuine Holy Spirit of God, the deception broke. So again, I ask, what is it that might not be quite right inside your heart, what is your idol? If the devil cannot tempt you with “worldly” sins he will tempt you with “religious” sins.
Confused, yes, that used to confuse me too when the Bible says that God forgives us yet He recorded the sins of the Bible characters for every person to see and read over and over and over again. Then I learned what forgivenss is and is not.
Sidney – sorry I think I was not clear – I am saying they didn 180’s TOTALLY moved on to very different things, not “little things” or “minor things” I just added that in to say, I understand that sermons today are going to have a different emphasis then 20 years ago, but I think we would see a DRASTIC shift not small things.
Earlier I posted that I was stunned by Larry’s recent website post re his experience with CJ. One poster here asked me why I was surprised by the post and wondered if it was because I didn’t really believe it until now. Not at all. I’ve been coming to this site since August 2009 and have had more than enough exposure to what’s going on to get a good sense of the mess…then the Detweiler docs. What really took me back yesterday was that it seemed to me and probably SGM that Larry was all “tucked in”…gotta believe that his post was a sidewinder torpedo to them as well. The other thing that I don’t get though is this: didn’t Larry publicly say that he and CJ reconciled this year in a good way? It would seem that this post at this time undermines that OR reveals that his posting about reconciliation was something he was coerced into writing OR he had a change of heart. Either way – wow. I’m a curious guy and now Im too interested in knowing: (a) is Larry coordinating with Brent (very interesting) and (b) how Larry’s post is being “read” by the CLC team/josh. Musings. Surely I won’t be able to find that out.
Confused — yes, forgiveness and reconciliation has happened between Larry and CJ. And if nobody else had been affected by the actions surrounding their rift, then there would be no reason to ‘keep bringing it up’. They’ve reconciled — now move on.
Now it appears that even the reconciliation was contrived in order to control some of the collateral damage of the documents. Yes — the reconciliation may well be real — I hope it is.
Adam and Eve were forgiven — but they still lost the garden. It affected all of us — so God told us about it.
Larry seems to have realized that this wasn’t just about the two of them — it was about a larger truth, a larger action that affected the lives of thousands of people who were intentionally deceived by the machine that even included Larry, I guess, as he stood there and nodded his head in assent in order to protect his family from the threat of premeditated blackmail.
Larry lost his part of the SGM garden back then — when people stood by and watched the actual FOUNDER of PDI humbly accept being kicked off his own stagecoach and get hog-tied to the railroad tracks by someone who not-so-humbly grabbed the reins and yee-haa’d his way into Reformation Land.
The melodrama ain’t over — CJ told Larry, “If you don’t give me the keys to PDI I’m gonna tie you to the rr tracks.” Who knew it would be Brent, of all people, to don a white hat, ride up on his white horse, and cut Larry loose?
Mole — your prophetic voice still rings truth. Through 20 years, you’ve been a voice of reason and kindness. I remember when they actually listened to you. I hope they will hear you now. Thank you.
For Historical reference (maybe this has been posted already)…here is the July 4, 2011 statement from Larry on his reconciliation with CJ. It is STILL on the SGM website as of today.
##
Larry Tomczak’s Testimony
About His Reconciliation with CJ Mahaney
July 4, 2011
I would like to take a few moments to share with you a testimony of God’s grace in my life, in my family, and in a very dear relationship. About 38 years ago CJ Mahaney and I were brought together in a complementary friendship and teaching ministry in the nation’s capital. We started with a handful of people in the home of Mrs. Lydia Little, who called us together and was the initial catalyst for our ministry. We began to study the Word of God, then we began to teach the Word of God in a more public fashion. Our group grew within a four-year period to almost 2,000. It was primarily young people meeting every Tuesday for a ministry meeting called “T.A.G.,” or Take and Give. We taught the Scriptures, worshipped the Lord, and saw multitudes of people converted. Even to this day, wherever we travel in this nation and abroad, both CJ and I hear testimonies of people who thank us for our teaching. We’ve been amazed at how God used that ministry, which was both a personal journey toward God and a revival that touched many lives.
As our ministry grew, we complemented each other—we were very different. In 1977 we realized it was God’s will to conclude the teaching and evangelistic gatherings and begin to plant a New Testament church. We tried to do it in a way that was non-divisive and began in my home. Over the course of a year or two, a church was started that is now Covenant Life Church. Thirty-some years later it is a prosperous local church in the Gaithersburg MD area, with about 3,000+ members.
As the church grew, we also caught a vision for church-planting and multiplication according to the pattern in the Book of Acts. Over the course of two decades we were privileged to be involved in planting or “adopting” about 25 churches. This fellowship of churches eventually became known as “Sovereign Grace Ministries.” We were also involved with a nationally published magazine, People of Destiny, which 20-25,000 people received.
But somewhere in the 1990’s God put a test before us. I’m sorry to say that we didn’t come through with flying colors. We wanted the ministry’s core values and beliefs to be more specifically identified. That brought about some friction, because I found myself going on a different doctrinal path than some of the other leaders who were dear friends. As time went by I felt I was experiencing abuses of spiritual authority and methodologies that were harmful and inconsistent with Scripture. Other leaders in SGM shared similar experiences with me. Because of this, as well as some pruning the Lord was doing in my personal life in terms of character, and some family issues with one of our children, CJ and I reached a place where there was not just tension, but an impasse. Eventually there was a sense in my own heart to end my time with the ministry. I felt there were issues of doctrine and direction in the ministry with which I could no longer align. As I attempted to exit, it caused tension and things did not go well for us.
For the past 13 years, CJ and I have been in a state of estrangement. I made several attempts to address these differences and to deal with offenses and perceived injustices. Both of us sought to apply principles of biblical peacemaking, but we made little progress. We struggled unsuccessfully to overcome separation, alienation, and division. We certainly did not give a positive witness for the Lord. The ripples of our separation went through the Body of Christ in many ways, affecting extended family members, churches, and individual church members.
In September 2010, I sent a letter to CJ requesting that we come together again to try to reconcile with each other. CJ gladly agreed and flew to Nashville where we met and talked for over four hours. Early in the meeting, we considered two specific questions:
First, what is God calling us to do that would bring Him the maximum glory, bring healing to the maximum number of people, and stop the ongoing divisive activity of Satan in the maximum number of individuals and churches?
Second, are we willing to do whatever He reveals no matter what the cost?
We both gave a thumbs up and a hearty Amen and said, “Let’s dig in.” We put into practice the wisdom of Proverbs 14:9, “Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.” By God’s grace, we worked hard at repairing our relationship. CJ confessed and repented of sins that had caused separation between us. Where I had also sinned and failed, I did likewise. I was deeply moved by CJ’s humility and transparency, and would give him an “A+” on his role in the conversation.
Realizing that my wife Doris had also been affected by our estrangement, CJ offered to meet with her as well. A few weeks later, he returned and she joined us for another four hour conversation. As a result of prayer and fasting and the grace of God, we saw the Holy Spirit doing a work in our midst that I would have to say was miraculous. I believe that all of us pleased the Lord by not being defensive, by listening to one another, by attempting to understand the past and lay it out on the table, with nothing ignored or neglected.
But God was not done with us yet. Doris’s father is 89 and her mother is 87, and CJ knew that they too had been impacted by our struggles. To our great joy and appreciation, he humbled himself and called them on Christmas Eve. In their words, “in a pile of tears” he sought forgiveness and expressed repentance. It was an incredible experience as God brought healing in a situation that my wife had said two months before was irreparable. Ripples went out to our entire extended family. One family member who was involved in the situation subsequently flew to meet with us in Nashville. We were able to discuss things and he repented and asked our forgiveness. We also acknowledged some failures at this time.
CJ also had a private meeting with one of our children and was a model of humility in listening and dealing with issues he wanted to discuss. A breakthrough came when he humbly asked forgiveness for an offense that had deeply hurt my child, Doris, and me. This evidence of God’s reconciling grace was crucial to our eventual reconciliation.
During this six month period, several SGM leadership couples called us or visited us in Nashville, at great financial cost, to likewise repent and seek forgiveness for sins against us and our family. Some called our children to do likewise. Many tears and lots of pain came to the surface, but this brought great glory to God and was essential to the healing process for our family. It also gave us the opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness for our contributions to our estrangement. The efforts by SGM leadership couples to seek reconciliation ushered in the healing for things that had affected all of us for thirteen years and had negatively impacted many of our children.
At this point we are all standing in amazement that after 13 years the Holy Spirit moved into our lives as we humbled ourselves for what we would call a transformational experience. Where sin had once separated us, the grace of Christ now brought us all together in a spirit of love and forgiveness. We were all impacted—not only us, but also our children and extended family members. We believe this is going to reverberate throughout Covenant Life Church, the ministry of Sovereign Grace Ministries, and also individuals who have been aware of this ministry here and abroad. Doris’s dad and mom said, “We’re ready now to be with the Lord, for we have seen the intervention of God.”
I praise God that CJ and I are now able to communicate the wonderful news of our reconciliation to those who would be encouraged by it. We have agreed that we don’t need to go into specifics, but we can tell anybody and everybody that we came together, every major issue was put on the table, we endeavored to humbly repent, ask forgiveness, and honor God by forgiving. We want to move forward now and see healing, not only in our lives and families but in the churches and ministries that in any way, shape or form were impacted by what took place.
Praise be to God, who has graciously overcome and delivered us from our sin and given us the grace to experience the forgiveness and reconciliation that Christ won for us at the Cross!